Friday, November 03, 2006

I'll Show You What A Real Anti-Semite Is



Dear Gawker,

You think Fake Jew over at Not Chosen, Just Posin' is an anti-semite? Ha...that's pretty funny. He's not even close to the anti-semite that I am. The problem is you're confusing ignorance with hatred. NC is ignorant of Jews. I hate them. He makes little jokes about "heebs" and other such things. I changed planets JUST to kill Jews. Simply putting him in the same league with me, or Mel Gibson, or Todd Bridges is offensive to me as an anti-semite. You see, I don't even capitalize the s in semite. That's how much I hate Jewish people.

I didn't always hate "the tribesmen." Melmac, my home planet, used to be filled with Jewish ALFs. Lots of them (they were the REALLY hairy ones). My ex-girlfriend was Jewish, which did explain why she hated giving me ALF-jobs (that's what we called BJs on Melmac). Heck, my name is Gordon Shumway! Seriously, for the first 100 years of my life I loved Jewish people as much as black people love this couple. But then it happened.

On what I like to refer to as Black Monday, the Jewish community on Melmac declared cats to be Kosher and therefore off-limits for consumption. As Melmac is a very politically correct society, the politicians jumped on board with this proposal and banned cats from being served everywhere. Well...that did it for me. Preventing me from eating cats is like taking any food away from Kelly Clarkson - a terrible idea with dangerous ramifications. From that day forward, I was determined to destroy all Jews.

Unfortunately, nobody else on Melmac joined my cause and I had to flee to Earth. It's here I found brotherhood with other anti-semites like Orville Redenbacher and Judith Lite. They helped show me the way and together we are planning for the eventual destruction of the Jewish people. This, my dear Gawker, is real anti-semitism. Not Chosen is not in the same class. Not in the same league. Not in the same Mel Gibson movie! To imply otherwise offends me, the all-knowing ALF. I demand an apology.

Good day.

-ALF

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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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3 Comments:

Blogger Not Chosen said...

You are my hero.

5:38 PM  
Anonymous Velvet Sea said...

Judith Light seems to be everywhere these days.

12:27 AM  
Blogger Gigi said...

She was my airline attendant the other day, actually. Delta.

8:21 AM  

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