Sunday, December 10, 2006

The Return of Wilford Brimley!

Dear America and Sometimes God Damn Canada,

It's been a long God damn time since I last spoke to ya'. I ain't gonna apologize for the delay as it's my God damn prerogative when I want to say something. You should be happy whenever I grace your life with my God damn wisdom. So don't be complaining to me. Just accept me and move the hell on.

So I gots a lot on my mind today as there's a lotta crap going on in this world. And it's been Let's go through each God damn thing:

1. Britney Spears has been going around flashing her God damn clown's pocket every which way but Sunday. That ain't what a lady is supposed to do, but then again, she ain't no lady. Now I ain't one to sermonize, but I think all you young fellas these days spend too much time worshipping these God damn airheaded-meat-curtain-showing harlots and hussies running around Hollywood with their vay-ginas in the air and their heads in the clouds. That creates a culture of coochie, which is not the culture our God damn founders had in mind when they created the US of God damn A. If left unchecked, Britney Spears and her kookooyumyumpoon will destroy us all. Someone's gotta do somethin' and fast.

2. Nicole Richie got a God damn DUI. What the hell was she doing driving? Since when do skeletons have licenses? Of course she was God damn drunk. If I ate only one Cheerio a week and then drank a bottle of wine each hour, I'd be drunk as a God damn skunk too. Of course, I don't do that because I have The Diabetes and it would kill me. But that don't mean she should either. Damn whore.

3. Lindsay Lohan is in AA. Well, it's about time. She drinks more than an Irish man at a Nick Nolte birthday party. And let me tell you, that's one hell of a lot. I know she's able to drink more than most women cuz she keeps the booze in those God damn oversized boobies. But still, I think it's a healthy thing to admit when you have a problem and try to fix it. I once had a gambling problem. I didn't realize it until too late and I had already killed my bookie with a carving knife and a spatula. I ain't proud of it, but it happened, and that's final. Ms. God damn Lohan has admitted she is drunk and is fixing herself. Good for that bitch.

4. Something happened with President Bush, Iraq, and something or other, but I couldn't care less because I only watch the God damn E! channel.

That is all for now. I could go on and on, but I'll save some God damn ranting for next week. Until then, if you have any God damn relationship questions, send them to me at Eat your Quaker Oats, check your blood sugar, ignore Bea Arthur's Vagina, and be a good God damn citizen. Or I may just come and get you.

Pissed Off,
Wilford Brimley


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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Anonymous Amy said...

So glad to see you. Seriously.

8:36 PM  
Blogger Dr. Blogstein said...

Wilford is alive?!? Its a Hanukkah miracle!

11:07 AM  

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