Thursday, December 28, 2006

A Very Special Gerald Ford Eulogy by Gary Coleman

Gerald Ford, former President of the United States, died the other day. As we have in the past (#1, #2, #3, #4, #5), we here at Please Do It Ms Hewitt turned to our diminutive friend Gary Coleman for a response. Apparently, learning from our mistakes is not what we do best.

Whatchu Talkin' Bout Gerald Ford,

Why didn't you pardon me? I was an international star of great fame, fortune, and mystery and yet you stole all of my glory by pardoning Richard Nixon instead of me. Clearly you should have been calling me up and congratulating me for playing Arnold Jackson with such wisdom and talent. But you didn't and now you are dead, robbing me of the pardon that I so justly deserved. I was on TV for 8 years! I am the greatest actor in the universe. You are not. And that is why I hold you accountable for your death.

Clearly we should be celebrating my life. Yet, you go and die, making the world focus on your "presidency" and "legacy" and "hair." Why must you do this to me during my time of need? Have you no sense of decency? Have you no sense of pride? Have you no cents? Cuz I don't. I need money. Lots of money. And thus we are saddened by your death.

In conclusion, I wish that you would stand up and tell the world that I deserve a pardon for everything. I don't care if you are dead. I've seen dead people before and will see them again. I see everything. One time I saw Mr. Drummond trying to touch Natalie from the Facts of Life. I didn't call the police because I'm Gary Coleman! Did you hear that? I played Arnold Jackson! You will never learn, and for that I shall mourn you.

Gary Coleman


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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