Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Justice Ginsburg Recuses Self in Anna Nicole Smith Case



Washington, DC (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

In a stunning move, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg recused herself from the Anna Nicole Smith case on account of Justice Ginsburg herself being a former stripper. Justice Bader Ginsburg, or "Bader Bambi" as she was known in the trade, was a legendary stripper known for her acrobatic dances and knowledge of tort reform. Justice Ginsburg, who famously paid her way through law school with crisp single dollar bills stained with the sweat of desperate men, felt immediate compassion for the busty blonde bombshell. As such, she knew it would be impossible to be objective about the case. In a statement she said, "Before I put on these iconic robes, I spent a lot of time taking them off. I am therefore unfit to hear this case." Sources close to the case had indicated that a recusal was possible, but most thought it would come from Scalia or Thomas, who are regular attendants at many of the local clubs. Ms. Smith was, of course, dismayed at Justice Ginsburg's decision, but vowed to press on and "fight for the money that is rightfully owed me for touching those old balls on a nightly basis."

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Monday, February 27, 2006

A Eulogy To Don Knotts by Gary Coleman

With the recent passing of Don Knotts, a favorite here at JLH central, we thought it would be appropriate to create a wonderful and heartfelt eulogy. We went through our celebrity rolodex and unfortunately couldn't find someone willing to step up to the plate. Apparently the man had a lot of enemies (something to do with chloroform and vaseline). Thankfully, one person has been writing us since Friday, literally begging to write a eulogy. Who, you ask? Gary Coleman, of course. We were hesitant after his last eulogy, but we decided to give him another crack.


Whatchu Talkin' Bout Don,

Why didn't you ever send me a Christmas card? I was on Diff'rent Strokes for 8 years and you never once asked to be a guest star. I was Arnold Jackson. Do you know what that means? How dare you. Now you are dead, and we'll never have our moment together. Sure, we had that time at the The Second Annual TV Land Awards: A Celebration of Classic TV in 2004, but you already had the stink of death on you, so it wasn't worth it. I'm offended by you dying. You probably did it on purpose, to wreck my career.

As I've said before, I hate my life, but at least I'm alive. You are not. Your life had some meaning, but did it really? I saw that movie you were in with Spiderman, and I must say, it was in black and white. My movies were in color. Clearly the world should be honoring me today, but you have the headlines. I don't understand this. And they mocked me again on the Family Guy last night, which is a big injustice. I blame you. And thus we are saddened by your death.

In conclusion, I urge you to go see Postal when it comes out, as I am the star of it. It is in color, Mr. Knotts. Try and take that from me. Just try. I will avenge your death.


Sadly,
Gary Coleman


*****Editor's Note...Gary Coleman has been fired again from the JLH staff. He's like an abusive boyfriend. He's all wrong for us, but we can't help taking him back...

Friday, February 24, 2006

Rumsfeld: Those Lazy Iraqis Could Learn From Sasha Cohen




















Dear Iraqis,

Did you see Sasha Cohen the other day? What a gutsy performance. What grit. What tenacity. What resolve. You know, you could learn a lot from that girl. If you had half her resolve you'd be a functioning democracy with no insurgency. Instead, you've all chosen to be big babies. Suck it up.

I've said this before, and I'll say it again. It's your country, and you're going to have to grab ahold of it and run it. Quitting is not an option. Sure, you've had some setbacks, but did Sasha Cohen quit when she fell twice? Of course not. Yes, Michelle Kwan did, but she's a Democrat so you can't trust a damn thing about that girl. What a loser. Sasha Cohen is the only figure skater after which you should model your country's reconstruction.

It's time to take control of your own destiny, citizens of Iraq. Let figure skating be your inspiration. It's the greatest thing ever created in the history of the world, and I'm not prone to exaggeration. There are known unknowns and unknown unknowns, but figure skating is definitely a known known. I think that fact is undisputed.


Pissed Off,
Donald Rumsfeld



*********
Original JLH petition

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Thursday, February 23, 2006

K-Fed Hits On Jessica Simpson; Simpson Says One Gold Digger Husband Enough


Source (MSNBC)

Los Angeles, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

White trash hanger-on, Kevin Federline is making news once again as he reportedly hit on Jessica Simpson at a recent party at L.A. club Privilege. Federline, best known for nothing, "made a beeline" for the chicken-of-the-sea-eating blonde immediately after spotting her. Simpson allegedly asked him to sit down and the chemistry was palpable. So was the stupidity. Sources indicate that the stupidity meter was off the charts, with people as far away as 50 feet reporting a loss of IQ and/or total brainpower. Simpson is currently going through a rough divorce with former no-hit wonder Nick Latch-on (pronounced Lash-ay). The busty, horse-toothed reality star is said to be "disgusted" with Nick for filing for spousal support. Sources claim she said that "K-Fed is not like Nick at all. Like, he's a rapper." No word from Britney Spears, but people close to the already-has-been star claim she doesn't really care what K-Fed does. "Vicadin is a wonderful thing for that," her publicist said.


******
Original JLH petition

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Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Lohan: Don't Call Me Teen Queen - Call Me Bulimic Whore


New York, NY (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Source (CNN)

In an interview in the March issue of Allure magazine, now on newsstands, the 19-year-old slut says she wants to be considered a serious actress -- and rejects her youthful, party-girl image. Instead, she embraces her whorish, emaciated self. "I hate it when people call me a teen queen," Lohan says in an interview. "I prefer to be looked at for who I really am. A trigger pulling human pokebag for the awe-inspiring Wilmer Valderrama."

Lohan, star of family friendly movies such as "Freaky Friday" and "Herbie: Fully Loaded," has recently graduated to more grown-up roles, acting opposite Meryl Streep, Lily Tomlin and Tommy Lee Jones in Robert Altman's "A Prairie Home Companion," due in theaters in June. Although the fact that she referred to the roles as "grown-up" implies a certain youthful naivete common among child stars and bulimics.

Commenting on her eating disorder, Lohan says: "Sometimes being that thin doesn't look healthy. I kind of didn't realize that." She later asked to be excused to go to the restroom, as she claimed to have a stomach bug. When asked about the pounds she dropped following a hospital visit last year, she says. "I lost weight when I was in the hospital, and then I wanted to keep it off." She later added, "Man, I could go for a Wheat Thin or two right now. But I have to be good!"

Regarding her breakup with Wilmer Valderrama, Lohan tells the magazine: "I know now that I don't need a boyfriend." Sources close to Lohan confirmed the statement. According to the sources, Ms. Lohan has on occasion said that "being a whore is a full time job, and a boyfriend would only get in the way." No word from Valderrama on Ms. Lohan's bold assertion about their prior relationship, as he was reportedly knee deep in poon.

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Bush to Auction Off Ports on eBay

Washington, DC (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

In a move made to quell critics of his secretive port deal with the United Arab Emirates, President Bush decided to open up the selection process by putting the ports up for bid on eBay. Whitehouse spokesman Scott McClellan called it a shining moment in the history of capitalism. "This is for all the Democrats who complained about Halliburton and no-bid contracts. You want open bidding? Fine. You got it." For a starting price of $2000 dollars, users can bid on any one of 6 major ports, including NY, NJ, Baltimore, Miami, and Philadelphia. For an added buy-one-get-one-free offer, Bush offered to throw in all ports in Delaware, as nobody cares about that state anyway. Sources indicate that Bush also originally wanted to offer ports in North Korea, but later rescinded the proposal when McClellan informed him that the U.S. didn't own the rights to them. Bush laughed and said, "Soon, my friend, soon." Payments can be made in cash or through the United Nations PayPal account.


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Original JLH petition

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Paris Hilton to Make New Sex Tape With A Sex Tape




















Los Angeles, California (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Tired of releasing sex tapes with both men and women, Paris Hilton has decided to release a new sex tape featuring her having relations with...a sex tape. Ms. Hilton is the reigning queen of the industry, having recently overtaken Pamela Anderson. Ms. Anderson had been the frontrunner for many years, as she was the only hot celebrity known to have made two tapes (Vince Neil and Tommy Lee). Nevertheless, Ms. Hilton's dalliance with both sexes, including a Playboy Playmate, has allowed her to overtake Ms. Anderson in a recent poll of horny nerds in chat forums. Tom Sizemore came in dead last in the same poll.

According to Ms. Hilton, the new sex tape with the sex tape is reportedly "so hot." There's lots of hot girl-on-vhs action, with a little girl-on-betamax action thrown in for good measure. The tape has yet to leak to the net, but sources indicate that it could surface soon from a member of the sex tape's posse (the VCR has threatened in the past.) No word yet on further sex tapes, although Ms. Hilton has indicated a dislike for DVDs, claiming they're "too hard to spell."

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Hillary Duff: Please Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful, Because That Means I'm Beautiful


Dear Planet Earth,

I don't ask much of you. Really, I don't. I've been blessed with many things, including a hit TV show, a role in the instant classic Cheaper by the Dozen 2, and a voice that would make all the gods of Olympus crap themselves in pleasure. All I want is one more thing. I want you to hate me because I'm beautiful. Why? Because that's the only way I'll know if I'm beautiful. Nobody will tell me otherwise.

You see, I'm not what you would call conventionally attractive. Some have called me a Clint Howard lookalike. That hurts. It really does. I don't want to look like Clint Howard, or for that matter, any other man named Clint. I want to be beautiful. Beautiful like Ron Howard. So I ask of you, people of the world. Please hate me because I'm beautiful. You'll never tell me I'm beautiful outright, but I know that if you hate me, it MUST mean I'm beautiful, right? Right. So...please hate me. Call me the worst names in the world. Make fun of my family. I'll even let you antagonize my angular and horse-faced sister, Haylie. Whatever it takes to make me think you're calling me beautiful. I have no self-confidence and need your support.

Thank You,
Hillary Duff


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Original JLH petition

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Saturday, February 18, 2006

K-Fed: Tag Body Spray The Secret to My Success














My name is Kevin Federline, and I'm married to Britney Spears. Many of you have asked me how a no talent chump could score Britney Spears. I'll tell you how, bitches. Tag Body Spray for men. That's right, Gillette's Tag Body Spray for men. You know those commercials where the women go crazy if the guy is wearing Tag Body Spray? Those commercials are 100% accurate. Britney wants my junk because I wear Tag. Suck on that one, bitches. And buy Tag. Then you too can get laid from a hot piece of white trash.

K-Fed


******
Original JLH petition

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Friday, February 17, 2006

Disney Hires Michelle Kwan as Spokeswoman; Creates New Cartoon Character "Little Engine Who Couldn't"



Los Angeles, California (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Source story: here

Figure skater Michelle Kwan has signed on with The Walt Disney Co. as a celebrity spokeswoman, the entertainment conglomerate said Thursday. Kwan is a five-time world champion, two-time Olympic medalist, and big-time choke artist. Dubbed the "A-Rod" of figure skating by her peers for her habitual failure in the clutch, Kwan most recently pulled out of the Olympics due to a supposed "groin pull." According to a Disney spokesperson, the conglomerate was happy about Kwan's decision to quit as it "reinforced what we already liked about her. Ms. Kwan embodies the modern-day American more than any other athlete we know. She puts in a lot of effort and accomplishes a lot of minor things, but then fails when it really counts. We think that will resonate well with Americans." Disney plans to create a new cartoon character called the "Little Engine Who Couldn't" who will be voiced by Kwan. Just like Kwan, the poor engine will get into lots of wacky capers and fail to come through in the end. No word yet on whether the train will wear sequins.

Sex Tape Threatens to Derail Scott Stapp's Hard-Earned Downward Career Trajectory


Los Angeles, California (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

For the past several years, former Creed frontman Scott Stapp has worked hard to perfect a career path towards oblivion. A combination of public drunkenness, pathetic song-writing, fights with other has-been bands, and a self-righteous attitude have worked in tandem to produce a David Caruso-esque decline in popularity. According to sources close to Stapp, this was all part of a calculated effort by the singer. After all, nobody could be that bad at everything without trying to do it on purpose.

However, the recent leak of a sex tape could derail the downward spiral that Stapp has worked so hard to achieve. In the tape, Mr. Stapp and a certain other musician who shall remain nameless (Kid Rock) are having sexual relations with attractive women. As this is something Mr. Stapp has not done in a long time, the appearance of this tape could bolster his credibility among human females. In addition, simply appearing next to Kid Rock will boost his support in the essential 35 year old trailer park demographic that advertisers crave. Mr. Stapp could not be reached for comment, but sources close to him are nervous that this tape could have a beneficial effect on his career much like the Paris Hilton tape did for Ms Hilton. One anonymous family member said that he had watched the Paris Hilton video 7000 times and he's sure it's what made her famous. But he later commented that he actually wasn't too nervous about Scott. "I'm sure Scott will find a way to mess this up. He's really good at destroying a career. It takes a lot of work to be as ugly and untalented as he is, and we're proud of him for it."


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Original JLH petition

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Thursday, February 16, 2006

Sam Waterston Urges Jennifer Love Hewitt to Pose for Playboy


Dear Ms. Hewitt,

I am actor Sam Waterston. You may know me as Executive Assistant District Attorney Jack McCoy on television's Law & Order. On the show I play an unconventional (oft ruthless) litigator, infamous for bending (but not breaking) trial rules to get convictions, finding tenuous rationales for charging defendants with crimes when the original charges didn't stick, and making passionate - to the point of inflammatory — closing arguments. Earlier today I was surfing for pornography and happened to stumble across this petition. While signing the petition (editor's note: signature # 340), I asked myself how Jack McCoy would approach this conundrum. Here's what I think he'd say:

Ms. Hewitt, I urge you to think about what's at stake here with your decision. While choosing not to pose may be the easy or safe decision, it has far reaching ramifications that will be with us long after you make your choice. What's at stake is not the viewing of your wonderful bosoms, as the defense would like you to believe. What's at stake is the sanctity of the entire American judicial system. Posing for Playboy, or doing a nude scene, is a fundamental right that every female celebrity shares. I didn't make up this rule. My boss didn't make up this rule. Thomas Jefferson, and the rest of the founders of the United States of America wrote this rule into the Constitution we all know and love. By blatantly casting off this inherent right, you are essentially ignoring the Constitution. In fact, I think you are setting a precedent which may not easily be reversed. What's next, legalized rape? Murder? Child molestation? The consequences could be disastrous. Do not take the easy way out, Ms. Hewitt. You must choose to pose now, or there may not even be a later.

I guess that's really all I have to say about that. I'm proud to lend my name to this cause, just as I'm proud to support TD Waterhouse and Old Glory robot insurance. Thank you.


Best Regards,
Sam Waterston





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Wednesday, February 15, 2006

A Letter From Katie Holmes to Dr. John Carter




















Dear Dr. Carter,

Sorry to bother you, as I know you're a busy doctor and all that, but I have a medical question for you. You see, I've been involved (in a carnal fashion) with Tom Cruise for a little while now, and I'm starting to wonder about him. At first his behavior seemed like playful exuberance, but now it's bordering on insane. Like, Margot-Kidder-eat-your-own-hair type of crazy.

I guess, my question is...is crazy contagious? I learned from James Van Der Beek that Herpes is, but is crazy also contagious? I figured a smart doctor like you would know.

Okay...get back to me when you can. I'll be at the Creek or in Clearwater Beach.


Best Regards,
Katie Holmes


******
Original JLH petition

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Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Pamela Anderson to Boycott Kentucky Derby: Says Only She Should be Ridden That Hard


Source article: Here

Frankfort, Kentucky (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Pamela Anderson, well known celebrity pokebag, PETA member, and star of the laughless Stacked is refusing to attend the world's most famous horse race on a matter of principle. Ms. Anderson, well known for being penetrated by various rock stars and Scott Baio, claims that she is boycotting the race due to its sponsorship deal with the parent company, Kentucky Fried Chicken. However, sources close to the "actress" reveal that her true motivation is jealousy. As the resident Hollywood "pass-around" girl, she feels jealous of how long and hard the horses at the Derby routinely are ridden. She feels the horses are showing her up, and she's willing to boycott the event to show her anger. A Churchill Downs spokesman expressed regret that Ms. Anderson will not be coming back to the big race because she allows him to touch her like Scott Baio used too, which is to say, quite inappropriately. When reached for comment, a KFC spokesman said, "We certainly do not agree with Ms. Anderson's position. I think you'll see that she has proven to be a very poor judge of character in the past. I mean...Scott Baio. Come on."

The source article again: Here

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Original JLH Petition

Advice from Nicole Richie to Janet Jackson

















Hey Janet,

Heard about the news. I know you're going to start "dieting" soon, so I just wanted to remind you that bulimia has two steps. You can't just splurge...ya gotta' purge. One thing I've found is that it helps to binge and purge on good food. Like, I recommend this wonderful Rachel Ray rosemary chicken recipe. It tastes great on the way down, and even BETTER on the way up. Enjoy!

Purgingly Yours,
Nicole Richie

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A Message from the Pudding Club to John Goodman


Dear Mr. Goodman,

On behalf of my fellow members in the UK's world famous Pudding Club, I would like to welcome you as an honorary member. For years you have generously supported our cause, both financially and with your public displays of pudding-eating zeal. Initially, as a token of our thanks we named our main conference room after you. But that proved to be insufficient. We decided that it was time to offer you our greatest honor: lifetime membership and an honorary PhD in Pudding. From now on we shall call you Dr. John Goodman. The honor is all ours.

It's a been a wonderful 21 years of existence, and with you in our rank and file, we look forward to another magical, pudding-filled 21 years. One day perhaps you will grace our presence at the Three Ways House Hotel. Until then...pudding now and pudding forever!


Best Regards
Damian Sinclair, President Pudding Club


*****
Original JLH petition

Monday, February 13, 2006

A Eulogy to Peter Benchley by Gary Coleman

We here at JLH central are big fans of the Jaws franchise (assuming Jaws 4 never happened). Seeing as the great Peter Benchley has just bought his last ticket to Sea World, we thought it would be great to have a celebrity eulogy. Unfortunately, we couldn't afford Steven Spielberg. Thankfully we were able to get the next best thing: Gary Coleman.


Whatchu Talkin' Bout Peter,

Have you ever seen Diff'rent Strokes? I was on that show for 8 years. Since then I've tried to commit suicide, sued my parents, tried to commit suicide again, run for Governor of California, become a character in a Broadway show, and brought warmth to the hearts of millions through my irreverence. You wrote about sharks. Clearly you must see how saddened I am at your passing.

I hate my life, but at least I'm alive. You're not. We mourn you for that, but the world also celebrates me being alive. I was Arnold Jackson on a hit TV show. You can never take that from me, Peter Benchley. I will always have that. Yes, Jaws was a good movie, but Dana Plato is now dead. I don't know what those two things have to do with each other, but I wanted to point them out. I was her brother on that show. You were not. And thus we are saddened by your death.

In conclusion, I urge you to rent The Fantastic World of D.C. Collins as I starred in it with Fred Dryer of Hunter fame. You did not. I was also a voice on the Simpsons a few times, although they made fun of me. Why does everyone make fun of me?

My thoughts and prayers are with your family, Peter Benchley. Actually, they aren't, but I thought it was a nice thing to say. Best of luck in Heaven.

Sadly,
Gary Coleman


*****Editor's Note...Gary Coleman has been fired from the JLH staff as he is clearly insane. We apologize for his actions, but cut him some slack. Would you want to be Gary Coleman?

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Sunday, February 12, 2006

Vice President Dick Cheney: Democrats Weak On Cheney-Related Terror


My Fellow Americans,

Grrrrrr! Today you saw the first signs of our what our country could become like if Democrats are allowed to win any elections in November. See my wrath! Witness my fury! Grrrrrr! Today's victim may live to see another day, but he is a lucky one. Others will not be so lucky. Republicans have kept me at bay for five years, but now that the Democrats have gained a little bit of momentum, my terror has been unleashed. Fear me, America, and blame the Democrats. I snarl in your general direction.

Now, excuse me as I go sign a petition.

Lovingly,
Dick Cheney

P.S. The warnings were there, you just chose to ignore them.

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A Message from Geico to Britney Spears














Dear Ms. Spears,

Unfortunately we have some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is that you looked great at the Grammys. The bad news is that you DID NOT save a bunch of money on your car insurance. Fifteen minutes of stupidity cost you 15 percent or more on your car insurance.

Thank You,
The Gecko from Geico

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Friday, February 10, 2006

NSA Using Warrantless Wiretaps to Eavesdrop on Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears


Washington, DC (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Reports recently leaked to this website from insiders at the NSA indicate that the Federal Government has been conducting domestic spying on Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears. The Feds initially were tipped off to potential bad parenting by Ms. Spears through a smattering of Internet reports and blogs. As the story morphed into the biggest worldwide event since Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon, the Feds ramped up spying efforts against Ms. Spears and her man-bitch K-Fed. The investigation into Ms. Lohan has been ongoing for several years to determine the true origin of her magnificent mammaries. Recent efforts have intensified in order to understand the true rationale for her setting foot in Bryan Adams' house. Neither "entertainer" could be reached for comment, and the NSA refused to confirm or deny this story. They did, however, admit to being major participants in the multi-billion dollar "celebrity nip-slip" industry, supplying countless paparazzi with NASA-developed cameras to expose celebrity nipples.


*****
Original JLH petition

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Thursday, February 09, 2006

An Apology to Paris Hilton From the Plan B Manufacturers



Dear Ms. Hilton,

Many apologies, but we cannot process your recent bulk order for Plan B emergency contraception morning-after pills. Unfortunately, we do not ship over 1000 pills to individual customers. We have received your insistent e-mails and understand that you will put our products to good and frequent use; nonetheless, we have a corporate policy and must abide by it. However, as a sign of our appreciation for your incomparable product usage, we will increase your standing weekly order of 200 pills to 400.

Thank you again for your prolific business. We value all of our customers, but especially "frequent flyers" such as you.


Sincerely,
Duramed Pharmaceuticals

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Bono Willing to Trade Up to 3 Grammys to Stop African Genocide


Los Angeles, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

In a move that underscores his great commitment to humanitarian causes, the great and almighty Bono pledged to trade 3 of his 5 Grammys to African countries in exchange for an end to genocide. Initially Bono had pledged to give all 5 of U2's awards, but then reconsidered, saying, "Genocide is bad, but c'mon. It's not worth all 5 Grammys!" Bono is rumored to be lobbying for a Nobel Peace Price, or at the very least a performance at the Latin Grammys. In addition to singing for a has-been band, the Irish Deity had a busy year in 2005, co-sharing Time magazine's person of the year award with Bill and Melinda Gates, narrowly beating out Kobe Bryant, Mark-Paul Gosselaar, and Scott Wolf. When informed of Bono's decision, The Edge rolled his eyes, raised his eyebrows, and made the international "whacking off" gesture. He then added, "Instead of giving away our bloody Grammy awards, why doesn't he just buy one of those sickly kids from those bloody Sally Struthers commercials? What a jerk."


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Original JLH petition

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

It's Clearer Than Ever, Ms. Hewitt: You Must Pose




Dear Ms. Hewitt,

Seeing you onstage at the Grammys standing next to Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas has convinced me more than ever that you MUST pose for Playboy. If you continue down your current path of "moral purity," you may one day end up looking like Fergie, whose face resembles a cross between a trashy Long Island slut and an empty Castrol Motor Oil container. Posing for Playboy, however, will allow you to forever maintain your youthful exuberance. You see, the magic of that magazine nourishes and sustains human flesh in a way not unlike the Fountain of Youth discovered by Ponce De Leon in the 16th Century. Hefner has discovered some wonderful elixir that works in ways unknown to modern science. With his divine intervention, you can avoid the gruesome fate that has befallen the poor, poor Fergie. I weep for her, and I pray for you...but I'm sure you already knew that.

Warmest Regards,
A Concerned Fan


******
Original JLH petition

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A Fan Letter From Jessica Alba to Major Dad


















Dear Major Dad,

Oh how I miss thee. It's been over ten years since you left the airwaves, and the void in my heart has never been filled. Oh, sweet Major Dad, you kept me in stitches for 96 amazing episodes! Being a man of discipline, no wonder you had such a hard time raising three girls. I know how it feels to have a hard time with things. I have a hard time with speaking roles in movies. But whenever I face a tough acting challenge, like in Idle Hands, I just picture you and those crazy teenage daughters, and I "soldier" on. Tee hee.

Oh, sweet Major Dad, TV today just isn't the same without you. Crap shows like King of Queens or Dark Angel don't hold a candle to you and your show. I know there never will be another theme song quite like yours. Brilliance is very rarely repeated. Although in your case it was repeated for 96 episodes, my sweet Major Dad.

Oh, sweet Major Dad, I've babbled on long enough. Hopefully when you get this you can drop me a quick note. I'm staying at some hotel in L.A., but if I'm not there, I'm probably stretching on a nearby beach in a skimpy and wet bikini. Just look for the paparazzi and I'm sure you'll soon find me. I'd love to meet up for coffee one day and talk about Delta Burke and mustaches. Mmmmm....I just love a man with a mustache. You can be my "drill" sergeant any day. Tee hee.

With Love, My Sweet Major Dad
Jessica Alba


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Original JLH petition

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Nurse Saves Chicken With Mouth-To-Beak Resuscitation



Check this out:

A retired nurse performed mouth-to-beak resuscitation on a drowning chicken, saving it from a date with its destiny. Little Boo Boo was found floating face down in a family pond in an apparent attempt to commit suicide. The chicken was the legally adopted heir of Jackie and Becky Calhoun, a standard practice in the very upscale Arkadelphia, Arkansas. When reached for comment, the chicken clucked twice, and then sobbed tears of joy. In other news, millions of people around the world made fun of Arkansas.

An Open Letter From Jay Mohr's Career To Jay Mohr



Hi Jay!

Long time no speak, eh? How has life been without me? I see you've been up to a few things recently. Caught those Pepsi commercials during the Super Bowl. They were...um...neat. Seeing those commercials reminded me of the good old days when I was making the important decisions in your life. Remember Jerry Maguire? And the Suicide Kings? We had some good times back then. It's too bad you decided to go your own way. I mean, I'm not one to criticize, but come on, Jay. Paulie? Action? The Adventures of Pluto Nash? It's so sad that it's almost funny. In fact, I was just sharing a laugh about it the other day with Robert Deniro's credibility and Al Pacino's acting skills. Sorry, I don't mean to laugh at you, but...well...you suck.

Anyway, if you ever feel the need to reunite with me, give me a shout. I'll be waiting for you with Jackie Chan and some Brown and Bubbly. Sorry, that one was too easy. But you asked for it!

With Love,
Your Career


******
Original JLH petition

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Jennifer Love Hewitt Does Not Pose For Vanity Fair Cover; Protestors Burn Vanity Fair Embassies



In a shocking move of defiance, Jennifer Love Hewitt once again resisted worldwide calls for her to pose naked, instead allowing fellow thespians Scarlett "I Was In Eight-Legged Freaks and Proud Of It" Johansson and Keira "I Have Crabs" Knightly to pose sans clothing in her place. The international reaction was swift, as pimply-faced teenage boy protestors across the globe burnt down the Vanity Fair Embassies in Denmark, Canada, the UK, and Kurdistan. Fires burned bright into the evening as the oil from the pimply-faced teenage boys' faces stoked the flames. As is her practice, Ms. Love Hewitt refused to comment on the international incident, steadfastly insisting that there is no such thing as a Vanity Fair Embassy. When reached for comment, Ms. Johansson said she was "saddened" by the violence, and hoped that the people of the world would, "like, totally stop overreacting. It's not like anyone actually cares about Vanity Fair anymore." Ms. Knightly was surprised by the uproar, and then issued a statement in an unintelligible English accent before breaking her rib from a light breeze. No word yet on whether people will actually buy the issue or give a crap.

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An Open Letter to Air Bud Golden Receiver from Natasha Lyonne




Dear Air Bud,

I'm sure by now you've heard the reports about me. Well, for the record I'm hear to say that they are 100%, totally, and absolutely false. I would never molest another dog. Only you. Don't believe the vicious rumors that have been circulating about me. You'll always be my one true love.

I'm sorry things never worked out between us, but I didn't want you to think that I'm over you. I'm not. There's a reason I turned to heroin and eventually wandered the streets as a homeless woman. I was lost without you. But still, I would never molest another dog. Only you. Please, keep that in your heart. You may have a restraining order against me, but nothing can restrain my heart.

Can't wait until your next sequel. Hopefully you'll see one of mine (Slums of Beverly Hills 2?) because that will mean I'm working and not dead in a gutter. Miss you.

Woof!
Natasha Lyonne

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Monday, February 06, 2006

A Message From Canon, JVC, and Panasonic to Tom Sizemore and Colin Farrell




Dear Mr. Sizemore and Mr. Farrell

Please cease and desist from using our camcorder products. For the sake of all humanity, please cease and desist. We beg of you. If you wish to purchase/use one of our camcorders in the future, please stop and count to 100, breathe deeply and meditate. This should help control your urges. At the very least, call Paris Hilton and ask for advice.

Thank You Kindly,
Canon, JVC, and Panasonic

******

If you came for the original JLH petition

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Do It For The Junkies, Ms. Hewitt (An Open Letter From James Frey)



Dear Ms. Hewitt,

You should pose for Playboy. If not for yourself, then do it for all of the junkies in rehab or on the streets who need Playboy to get them through those long...um...hard nights. Instead of turning to drugs, perhaps these junkies will turn to your ample bosoms for support and comfort. I'm not one to exaggerate, but I think that by posing, you have an opportunity to rid the entire Planet Earth of drug abuse.

Trust me on this one, Ms. Hewitt, as I know a lot about drug use and rehab. Reports may vary, but I've spent almost 75 years in rehab, splitting my time between American centers, Turkish prisons, and intergalactic detention centers. Don't let my appearance on Oprah fool you, I really have lived a harsh life. Sure, some of the things I wrote about in my book didn't actually happen. But does anything actually happen in life? I don't think so. I believe it was Kierkegaard who once said that "subjectivity is truth" and "truth is subjectivity." Wise words from a Great Dane.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that life is not about the details...life is about the message. And the message in this case is please pose for Playboy. If you don't, millions of people will die of heroin overdoses. Do you really want that on your conscience? I wouldn't want that on mine. Oh wait, I don't have a conscience. Nevermind.

Lovingly and Horny,
James Frey

The original petition

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Friday, February 03, 2006

An Open Letter From Alyssa Milano to Richie Sambora




Dear Richie,

Hey there cutie-pie. What's cooking? Heard about the news with Heather. I'm so sorry! I know how you're feeling right now. I totally felt the same way when Cinjun Tate and I got divorced. Did you know Cinjun was in a rock band? I guess I have a thing for rockers. Know what I mean? Oh my goodness...I'm totally blushing! Look what you do to me, baby. I'm so hot for you.

Anyway, I just wanted to drop you a line and say howdy. If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, or a butt to slap (kidding! or not), then why don't you give me a call? Maybe we can go out some time and grab a drink. I'm free any day but Saturday, as I'm meeting Scott Wolf for lunch. Yeah, I know. He has this weird power over me. Sort of like that Demon from season 3 of Charmed. You watch Charmed, right? I hope so. I'm not sure I could date a man who doesn't watch Charmed. I'm the cute one on the show, but don't tell the others. Tee hee. :)

Okay, get back to me when you can. And remember, I'm not just magical on TV, baby.

Love, Kisses, and A Willingness To Do Anything in Bed,
Alyssa Milano

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The Stakes Keep Raising, Jennifer Love Hewitt

Ms. Hewitt,

Please understand that your vaunted and quite beloved chest is now becoming a universally recognized symbol in the international culture war. Agree or disagree, you must admit that the stakes continue to grow. See here for more information.

See here for the original story.

In other news, I received a new letter from another distressed, but hot fan, and will post it later today.

Best,
A Concerned Fan

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An E-mail From Nicole Richie to Lindsay Lohan




Hi L-Dawg!

Just wanted to check in and see how much you threw up today. I threw up 5 times!!! This is totally going to be a great day. Like, the last time I threw up 5 times before lunch I ended up meeting the cutest boy later that night. So hot. And I lost 3 pounds by the next day! I looked amazing. Okay...gtg. TTYL, hun.

Love,
Nicole

P.S. I heard about the teacup thing. Hope you're feeling better, but what were you doing in Bryan Adams house? LOL!!! Like, he's even lamer than my dad. ROTFL!!!!

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Think of the Children, Ms. Hewitt



Dear Ms. Hewitt,

When I first asked you to pose for Playboy, I did it purely out of concern for your well-being. Increasingly, though, I've come to realize that this is no longer just about you. This has become a broader of issue of international relevance. Ms. Hewitt, your decision on whether or not to pose affects the children of the world.

We live in a cynical world, Ms. Hewitt. A cynical world. And you work in a business of tough competitors. But if you back down now and refuse to pose, well, then the children of the world will have lost a role model. Right now they admire you because you complete them. But if you refuse to stand up to the tyranny of the majority and challenge those who are stealing your good roles because they are willing to do nude scenes, then the children of the world will lose hope in mankind. If you do not pose, the children will lose faith in you, and therefore life itself. How can they respect the sanctity of life, when an actress such as yourself does not respect herself enough to pose naked? It is so clear to me. Can't you see it?

Frankly, I don't know how you can still refuse. Do not deny these children a role model. You are all they have, Ms. Hewitt. Do not let them down. The ramifications could be tragic. Please, we urge you to do the right thing.

Warmest Regards,
A Concerned Fan


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An E-mail To Matthew Broderick's Character in War Games From The Guy In The Next Cubicle

Hey David!

I don't want to sound like a nudge, but would you mind not saying every word as you type it? It's pretty annoying. The beeping noises your keyboard makes are loud enough, without you saying the words out loud as you type them. Also, would you please shut off that damn simulated computer voice? I understand that it wants to play Global Thermal Nuclear War. John understands it. Sally understands it. We all do. So...either play the doggone game or shut the damn thing off.

Thanks, and see you at 3 at the staff meeting.

-Lenny

Thursday, February 02, 2006

NYC High School Girl Scores 113 - Kobe Bryant Challenges Her to 1 on 1 in Colorado Hotel Room

Another break from JLH.

In an obvious effort to one-up much maligned NBA superstar Kobe Bryant, 5'9" High School senior, Epiphanny Prince scored 113 points enroute to her team's 137-32 win. Prince, one of the nation's top high school players, looks forward to one day playing in the WNBA and therefore toiling in obscurity. Opposing coach Vera Springer said that Ms. Prince's accomplishment was akin to "picking on a handicapped person." She then left the interview room to look for more people (besides her players) to throw under the bus. When reached for comment, Bryant simply licked his lips and said, "I can't let her show me up, now can I? The Mamba is always looking for a good challenge." He then quickly added, "I guess I'm going to have to buy my wife another 4 million dollar ring," and winked at the reporter.

Check out this craziness

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An Open Letter to Katie Holmes from Chynna Phillips

Keep sending those signatures. In the meantime, I'm going to post a letter I recently received from a distressed, but hot, reader. She asked that I post it.


Dear Katie Holmes,

I'm not sure if you remember , but we met a few years back at one of William's parties. You know, Billy Baldwin? My husband? It's okay if you don't know him. Only 9 people saw Backdraft, and I think all of them were Baldwins. Anyway, I've been reading about you a lot recently, and I've been meaning to write to you. Only I truly understand what you are going through, and so only I am qualified to give you advice.

You see, as 1/3 of the popular pop trio Wilson Phillips, I achieved fame that few mortals could understand. In the late 1980s I was on top of the world, with money and ultimate power at my disposal. When I wanted sex, I got sex. When I wanted jewelry, I got jewelry. I even had a man killed once, just because I could. It was exhilarating and I thought it would last forever. But then it all came crashing down.

The American public soured on our music and sales dried up. And all of the money we had made was gone. Unfortunately, Carnie Wilson spent all of our money on pudding. She literally ate away our earnings. Devastated, I tried to turn to acting, but not much turned up after my triumphant role as Miffy in Caddyshack II. With my career declining, and bills piling up, I did the unspeakable: I married a Baldwin. It was sickening to know how far I had fallen, but I had no other choice.

Now, as I watch you try to rejuvenate your career by marrying Tom Cruise, I cringe and shake my head in sadness. Sure, you have no talent and your best roles are far behind you, but that does not mean you have to settle for this! Despite your cardboard personality, you are a beautiful and tall woman. That means everything in these mixed up times. Tom Cruise is fool's gold, Katie. Trust me, I know as much as anyone about this subject.

So good luck, girlfriend. And perhaps we shall one day meet again. Maybe at an AA meeting, as my depressing marriage drove me to drink, and I'm sure yours inevitably will do the same to you. Heck, I even released a reunion album with Carnie and that other one whom I can't remember. How depressing is that? What's next, a Dawson's Creek reunion? I shudder at the thought.

Anyway, all my best to you and Pacey. And good luck with that whole Scientology thing...although don't spend too much time alone with John Travolta. I learned about that the hard way.

Warmest Regards,
Chynna Phillips

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If You Don't Pose, The Terrorists Win

Dear Ms. Hewitt,

The time to act is now. As I'm sure you too were watching the State of the Union Address on Tuesday, you understand the troubled times in which we live. Terrorists and evil-doers threaten our very way of life, both in America and abroad. We face the most dire of futures in which our freedoms are at risk. And that is why you must pose for Playboy. If you do not pose, you are admitting to the world that the terrorists have won. By stifling your freedom of personal expression, the terrorists will have caged your indomitable spirit. Free your spirit! Uncage your two love monkeys! I know you will listen to my pleas, for your name has the word "love" in it, so surely you must cherish the same freedoms that I do. That is why you must pose - to protect these cherished freedoms.

So toss aside the naysayers and all who cast dispersions on your sacred soul. Care not for the whispers of doubt, be they from humans or ghosts, pushing you on to make the wrong choice. There is no ignominy with revealing your sweater puppies to the world. Thomas Jefferson would have wanted you to do it. And you weren't even one of his slaves.

Best Regards,
A Concerned Fan


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Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Taking a Quick Break from Jennifer Love Hewitt...



Lindsay Lohan Injured by Shattered Teacup at Bryan Adams' House

In a stunning event, Bryan Adams' name was mentioned in connection with an actual celebrity this decade. Celebrity eating disorder expert Lindsay Lohan fell in Mr. Adams' house, shattering a ceramic teacup and cutting her shin. Lohan was practicing her new diet, whereby she not only avoids food, but destroys all objects in which food can be contained. Her mother reported that she was preparing a breakfast of "eggs and everything," with everything, of course, being a reference to bulimia. Ms. Lohan fell once she realized that she was standing in Bryan Adams' house. Understanding what that meant for the state of her career, she recoiled in horror and tumbled down the stairs. Lohan is reportedly doing fine, but will be in therapy for the next 10 years trying to remove that damn "Everything I Do, I Do it For You" song out of her head. No comment from Adams, who was off doing something inconsequential...again.

Check it out!

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Signatures are Flying In


It seems the world really wants to see Ms. Hewitt obliterate the boundaries of her youthful morality thus far. The signatures are flying in faster than teacups out of Lindsay Lohan's hands. We're up to 50 now, folks. Only 9,950 left before we hit our goal. Next signature update at 200.

Please look out for the next site update, where we will address a new, yet related issue.

1. Mel Hall
2. Candy Maldonado
3. Johnny Briggs
4. Chuck Hinton
5. Willie Crawford
6. Carney Lansford
7. Irv Noren
8. Terrence Long
9. Dick Williams
10. Cito Gaston
11. Pat Kelly
12. Shane Halter
13. Art Howe
14. OC Boyd
15. Geronimo Berroa
16. Gordy Coleman
17. Rico Brogna
18. Sid Bream
19. Travis Lee
20. Randy Bush
21. Gerald Perry
22. Greg Brock
23. JT Snow
24. Brad Fullmer
25. Joe Morgan
26. Aubrey Huff
27. Raul Ibanez
28. Trot Nixon
29. Cliff Floyd
30. Pat Borders
31. Cecil Cooper
32. Oscar Gamble
33. U.L. Washington
34. Devon White
35. John Olerud
36. Manuel Lee
37. Kelly Gruber
38. Derek Bell
39. Jeff Kent
40. Pat Tabler
41. Herbie Eggers
42. Jason Varney
43. Ed Sprague
44. Turner Ward
45. Rance Mulliniks
46. Dave Stieb
47. Tom Henke
48. Jimmy Key
49. Jack Morris
50. Duane Ward

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