Thursday, March 30, 2006

Bud Selig To Personally Investigate Barry Bonds Steroid Use


Dear Barry Bonds,

I'm sorry, but you've finally forced my hand. I know we've had our differences in the past, what with you being an African American male and me being a reptile, but I was always willing to cut you some slack. When you refused to sign the group licensing agreement for the MLB Player's Association, I looked the other way. When your head expanded in size so much that it looked like it ate Benito Santiago, I turned a blind eye. But after this Game of Shadows book, I have no choice to investigate you. You only have yourself to blame.

Please know that I'll be very active in this investigation. Sure, I've hired former Senator George Mitchell to lead this investigation, but I'm going to be there every step of the way. I plan on personally inspecting your bacne, popping those whiteheads if need be. I also plan on personally measuring the size of your balls, and comparing those measurements to mine. I happen to have freakishly small chipmunk balls, so if you are smaller than me, you must indeed have used steroids. Finally, I plan to test your sperm to see if your are infertile. Granted, I'm no doctor, but I know how infertile sperm tastes, so I'll definitely be able to examine your sample.

There's no running from me Barry. If you've used steroids, I'll find out. I'm sorry it had to come to this, but you brought it on yourself. As FDR once said, "There's nothing to fear but Bud Selig himself." You'll find out.


Best Regards,
Bud Selig



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Original JLH petition

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Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Wal-Mart to Censure K-Fed Album



Rogers, AR (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

In a move that comes as no surprise to every human who is not deaf, Wal-Mart plans to censure K-Fed's entire new album, "Playing with Fire" when it debuts in August. A Wal-Mart spokesperson has said that the "sonic dissonance created by K-Fed's attempt at singing is obscene to all human ears, and should be censured immediately." In the past Wal-Mart has preferred to simply not stock albums with objectionable content and/or parental advisory labels. This marks the first time Wal-Mart has decided to stock the item, but replace every word of it in an act of total rebuke. In the place of K-Fed's singing/rapping, Wal-Mart has substituted the sound of a cat masturbating, as it was deemed less objectionable. Another Wal-Mart spokesperson said that "The very idea of a K-Fed album is objectionable and warrants a parental advisory. Since we can't rid the world of hypothetical concepts, yet, we wanted to do the next best thing. Hopefully this will teach him." No comment from Federline as he was busy destroying Britney Spears' career.


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Original JLH petition

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Monday, March 27, 2006

Hasidic Jews Thank Matisyahu For Getting Them Laid...Sorta


Mad props to GiGi for this scoop.


Brooklyn, NY (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Matisyahu, the reggae singing Orthodox Jewish man whose music has been sweeping the nation (or at the very least white preppie college radio), has been named "Jew of the Month" by Orthodox Jews across the country for single-handedly increasing the number of pre-marital sexual encounters in 2006 from 0 to 1.5. Hasidic Jewish men typically do not engage in pre-marital sex as they obey shomer negiah, a practice which bars them from any type of contact with a member of the opposite sex. However, a little known rule allows these men to violate this sacred tenant if (and only if) they are approached by hot coeds wearing skimpy bikinis who desperately want to be famous but have no real talent other than their looks. Pre-Matisyahu this never happened. Now? It happens at least once every couple of months.

Sources indicate that the women routinely confuse the non-singing Jewish men with the reggae-rockin' superstar on account of their similar attire. One woman, who preferred to remain nameless said that "black hats and scraggly beards turn me on." The woman later added that Torah makes her hotter than a summer's day in Georgia, and proceeded to fan herself with a Dead Sea Scroll. Matisyahu could not be reached for comment, but is said to be grateful for the award and is looking forward to going out and celebrating after Lent is over.


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Original JLH petition

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Friday, March 24, 2006

Star Jones Recovering From Breast Lift; Doctors Still Exhausted


Los Angeles, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Source: Here

Star Jones Reynolds, noted celebrity food connoisseur and co-host of ABC's daytime squawk-fest The View, is recovering from a breast-lift procedure performed last week at a Santa Monica hospital. Using a complex system of ropes, pulleys, and gigantic cranes, 25 doctors were able to lift the pounds and pounds of mammary fat on Ms. Jones Reynolds. While "The Starry One" is recovering well, the 25 doctors are physically and mentally exhausted from the Herculean task. Said one doctor, "I've seen gonorrhea, syphilis, and herpes up close...but man...seeing this beast naked was just awful. I need a vacation." Another doctor reportedly suffered a hernia when he tried to lift a tiny section of one of the massive breasts on his own. No word yet on whether the moon's orbit has been affected by the dramatic upward shift in mass generated by the lift.


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Original JLH petition

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Thursday, March 23, 2006

How Could You Impregnate Another, Fred Savage?


Dear Fred,

I heard that you're expecting your first child in August. Congrats. I guess. I mean, I should be happy for you, but you know I'm not. Your seed was always meant for me. You know it. I know it. Heck, even Wilford Brimley knows it. But you failed me, Fred. You've fertilized another and scorned me in the process. I'm hurt.

Remember the Wonder Years, Fred? We were soulmates on that show! And now you've gone and impregnated another. Why? Why ruin the perfect union of Winnie and Kevin? Remember when they made sweet, sweet love on the show? That could have been us in real life, Fred. I craved your seed, and now it's with another. We could have had the perfect baby: hot, destined for stardom, and good at math. And now? Nothing. Once again, I'm hurt.

So good luck, Fred, with the rest of your life. My womb is now closed to you. You missed your chance, buddy, and you're going to regret it. Yes, I'm that good, but you and your seed will never know. What a shame.


With Regret,
Danica McKellar


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As seen on Gawker

Original JLH petition

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

A Message from Tony Danza to Gawker Stalker


Dear Gawker Stalker,

Where am I? I haven't seen myself on Gawker Stalker. Did you get my messages? I told you exactly where I was. Multiple times. I also left you my cell phone number so you can call me and find out where I am. I can also give you a GPS device that tracks my every move if you'd like. People should know where I am. I'm Tony Danza! I'm famous! Right? Please put me on your site. Nobody has asked for an autograph in a decade. Well, except that Danny Pintauro kid, but I don't swing that way, so...you know.

Anyway...let me know if you need more info. The people have a right to know where I am. I'm Tony Danza!

I hate my life.


Best Regards,
Tony Danza

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Monday, March 20, 2006

Eric Roberts to Daniel LaRusso: I'm The Best Around


Hey Daniel-son,

You think you're hot shit, don't you? Yeah, I heard what you and Mr. Miyagi were saying about me. You're both full of crap. I'm the best around and nothing's ever going to keep me down. You're a nothing. That's right, I said it. You want to fight? Prepare to enter a world of hurt. You're going down like Johnny and Dutch. I'll sweep your leg, buddy, and then I'll sweep you under the rug. You're nothing. I own you, LaRusso, and there's nothing you can do about. Go cry to your mommy, cuz you won't get any sympathy from me. I'm Eric Roberts and I'm going to kick....your.....ass. Didn't think you'd ever hear from me again, did you? Well, neither did the rest of America but here I am. I may be a horrible actor who snorted more coke than Tony Montana in Scarface and hangs on the coattails of my more famous sister Julia, but I'll always be the best around. Suck it, LaRusso. Suck it hard.


Kiss My Ass,
Eric Roberts


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Original JLH petition

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Dick Cheney: I Shot Tony Soprano


Dear America,

You want to know who shot Tony Soprano? I did. That's right. I shot that fat bastard. He was a terrorist. Or in the mafia. Or something bad. Grrr! I shot him. He lived in New Jersey, which is a Blue state, so it's understandable why he was in the mob. Now I'm not saying that all Democrats are in the mob, but the fact is that they are. Which is why I shot Tony Soprano. It may have looked like Junior did it, but it was actually me. It's easy to confuse the two of us, but I assure you it was me. I take full credit. You should thank me for it, America, because you're a lot safer now. Now I'm not saying that Democrats were making you less safe, but the fact is that they were. But not any more thanks to me. Keep that in mind the next time you need someone shot. I don't miss.


Grrr!
Dick Cheney


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Original JLH petition

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Saturday, March 18, 2006

If Amy Fisher Is Willing To Pose for Playboy, Then By All That's Holy You Should Too, Ms. Hewitt


Dear Ms. Hewitt,

Seriously, it's getting re-freakin'-diculous. Rumors have now surfaced that Amy Fisher is going to pose for Playboy. I'm going to say that again, to let you take in the full magnitude of what that means. Amy Fisher, a woman only famous for having sex at 16 years old with Joey Buttafuoco (who was convicted of statutory rape) and then shooting his wife, is going to pose for Playboy. And you're not. Think about that for a second. She's only famous because she shot someone. Does that mean that Robert Blake is going to pose next? Or that guy who shot the Pope? Or Dick Cheney? This is setting a bad precedent, and it's your fault.

By not posing, you are forcing our supreme commander, Hugh Hefner, to dredge up the bottom rungs of society to stimulate readership of his monthly periodical. While that worked when he had the Girls of Reality TV pose, it's not a good thing now. Having Amy Fisher pose would be the biggest travesty since they faked the moon landing. It would be an even bigger travesty than when they let Carnie Wilson pose. Yes, Carnie Wilson posed. And then she ate the cameraman, but that's off topic. Sorry, but my normally composed nature is a little stunned by this news. A Long Island trashy slut (redundant, I know) is going to grace Hef's pages while you act in Garfield 2. Is there no justice in this world?

My dear Ms. Hewitt, I now leave this one in your capable hands or cleavage or whatever. It's time for you to stand up for truth, justice, the American Way, and good ole' fashioned boobage. Your boobage. Not Amy Fisher's. She was the Long Island Lolita and you were in The Tuxedo with Jackie Chan. Understand? No? Neither do I. Sorry, this whole thing is throwing me off.


Best Regards,
A Concerned Fan


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Thursday, March 16, 2006

Simpson Snubs Bush For Having Lower Approval Rating Than Nick Lachey



Los Angeles, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Source: Here

Concerned about tarnishing her already sinking public image, blonde singer-actress-airhead-cleavage monster Jessica Simpson turned down an invitation to meet with President Bush on Wednesday. The President's approval rating had hit an all-time low of 37%, dropping below the public approval rating of Nick Lachey for the first time in Mr. Bush's Presidency. Ms. Simpson had recently divorced Mr. Lachey due to his low approval rating and general lack of talent, and has been trying to distance herself from similarly declining people.

The move left Republicans dismayed, as they were looking forward to ogling her bountiful mammaries. The blond star of the film “The Dukes of Hazzard” still plans to visit Washington Thursday to lobby members of Congress on behalf of Operation Smile, a non-profit venture offering free plastic surgery for disadvantaged children overseas with facial deformities. Despite the facial deformities, the majority of surgeries are boob jobs, regardless of the sex of the child. According to Ms. Simpson, "A boob job helped get me famous. Why not some poor ugly kid too?"

No word on whether Mr. Lachey has been invited anywhere for anything important...ever.


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Original JLH petition

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Phil Collins Is On the Market, Baby


To All You Horny Ladies Out There,

Guess who's single. Yeah, that's right, ladies. Phil Collins is single. I've won a Grammy, an Oscar, and soon...your heart. That's right. I'm Phil Collins, and I'm allllll man. Did you know that I have five children? Yeah...that's right...I'm fertile like the Garden of Eden. And I got my own special talking snake. Oh yeahhhhh. I'm Phil Collins, and I'm alllll man. Call me, baby. I'll be waiting. Just don't lose my number. Cuz I got a lot of love to give. I'm alllll man.


Ready for You,
Phil

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How to Pick Your NCAA Brackets by Wilford Brimley


Dear America,

As you know, I have the Diabetes. You also know that I eat lots of Quaker Oats Oatmeal. What you don't know, is that I'm an expert NCAA bracketologist. But it ain't because I'm some smarty pants college basketball expert. Hell I ain't even watched a game since '73. I couldn't tell a basketball from a colonoscopy, which I've had several of in recent years. The key to my success is my system. A God damn system that you should all follow. My nephew followed it and he became the best God damn NCAA picker I ever saw. It's real simple.

  1. Eat Quaker Oats oatmeal. This will put you in the right state of mind.
  2. Take your insulin. If you have the Diabetes like me, it'll save your life. If you're Barry Bonds, it'll make you hit home runs. Either way, you get stronger. Don't argue with me.
  3. Pick Duke to get to the finals. John Wayne was the Duke and he was a tough God damn bastard.
  4. Pick at least 4 upsets in the first round. Hell, I'd pick 5, but I guess that's just me. You may not have the stomach for it.
  5. Go with your gut for the next few rounds. I trust my gut, which has become less sizable since the Diabetes.
  6. Don't end up with 4 Number 1 seeds in the Final Four. It's a bit suspicious. And I get paid to be suspicious when I've got nothing to be suspicious about.
  7. Pick UConn to win it all. Even a tough ole' fella like me knows that UConn is the best God damn team I ever saw. Just like Roy Hobbs was the best damn hitter I ever saw.

You follow those simple rules, and you'll win yourself some money. If you don't follow them, then I might just come after you.


Regards,
Wilford Brimley

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Tuesday, March 14, 2006

An Open Letter From John Travolta to Isaac Hayes


Dear Isaac,

Way to go, man. On behalf of all the other Thetans, including TomKat and my beloved Kelly, I applaud you. It takes guts to quit a hit show, so you must have one hell of a large intestines. Believe me, this was no easy decision, but it was the right decision. Trust me, as I know a little something about quitting a hit show. Remember, I quit Welcome Back Kotter before it ended. I gave up the opportunity to play Vinnie Barbarino!!! Think about that for a second. That's like asking the President not to fly in Airforce One anymore. Seriously, it was the role of a lifetime, but I still quit. It was tough, but you know what happened after that? I was in a little something called Pulp Fiction. And Get Shorty. And Staying Alive. And Battlefield Earth, which is known around the universe as the greatest and most accurate movie ever made. So you see, things will work out for you.

Don't listen to Matt Stone or Trey Parker or any of those other non-Scientologists. They don't know. Just like Matt Lauer doesn't know about psychiatric medicine. We know the truth, and that's all that matters. Trust in yourself, stay true to your beliefs, and rent Jerry Maguire because my wife is in it. It's a good movie.

Be well, Isaac. Stay strong. Stay proud. And above all, stay African American. I'm sure you'll find lots of other job opportunities, as you have such a range of talents. Well, maybe not, but at least you're alive. In short, just keep on being a bad mother...shut your mouth. Ha ha, I made a Shaft joke. I was in Pulp Fiction with Samuel L. Jackson, who played Shaft in the remake, so I'm allowed to make that joke. But I'm sure you knew that.

Anyway...see you in Clearwater,
John Travolta


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Original JLH petition

Thursday, March 09, 2006

"Don't Shut Down Neverland Ranch," Pleads Ben Savage


Dear State of California,

I heard the news about Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch, and I'm saddened. I'm saddened for the workers who didn't get paid. I'm saddened for the workers who didn't have Workers Compensation to fall back upon when they got injured on the job. I'm saddened for the llamas and giraffes who felt lonely at night without their brethren in the wild. But most of all, I'm saddened for the children of the world, for without Neverland Ranch they will no longer have a place to escape the troubles of the world and get touched inappropriately by a scary white woman who used to be a cute black boy.

Growing up I idolized Michael Jackson. My brother, legendary actor of stage and screen Fred Savage, was much more of a Tito Jackson fan, but I loved Michael. I used to dream about Michael swooping into my room late at night, dragging me off to Neverland with his magic (and vaseline-smelling) glove, and then cuddling with me all night long on the Ferris wheel. It was innocent of course, and at the same time rowdy and wildly inappropriate. But now, with Neverland shut down, I no longer can have those dreams. Neither can other children of the world. Is there no justice in this crazy world? First the Vietnam War, and then this? I'm so deeply saddened. Can't a boy dream of being inappropriately touched?

So I beg of you, California, open up Neverland Ranch. If not for me, then for Danielle Fishel, for she too was a huge fan. I've said all I can say.

Thank You,
Ben Savage

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Barry Bonds Accused of Steroid Use; Earth Found To Be Round


New York, NY (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

According to a book written by two reporters for the San Francisco Chronicle, Barry Bonds used a vast array of performance-enhancing (and genital reducing) drugs beginning in 1998. Bonds, whose head is a virtual planetoid with its own weather system, has long been suspected of using steroids. The book, called "Game of Shadows," was based on a two-year investigation and provides ample evidence (beyond his Sputnik-sized cranium) of Bonds' alleged drug use. In other news, the Earth is round, mountains are big, water is wet, and George Bush doesn't care about black people.

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Monday, March 06, 2006

"Robert Hays Shamefully Ignored By Academy Once Again," Says Robert Hays



Dear Academy of Motion Pictures Blah Blah Blah,

I know this is becoming somewhat of an annual tradition, but after watching last night's Oscars I couldn't help myself from writing in once again. Let me just say right now that last night's show was shameful. Just shameful. How can you award Robert Altman an honorary Oscar, when you know that I clearly deserved it? I was in both Airplane! movies, and Running Against Time with that blonde chick from Star Trek IV. Yes, the one with the whales. No, I'm not a big Star Trek fan, I just happen to have seen that one. It doesn't mean I'm a geek! If that's why you gave my honorary Oscar to Robert "Chlamydia" Altman, then I'd be extremely disappointed.

Anyway, in case you haven't figured it out, I would once again like to throw in my candidacy for an honorary Oscar. If Robert Altman, the guy who directed Popeye, can win an honorary Oscar, then I should be able to also. Or if not me, then definitely Gary Coleman. I mean, shirley you must be joking by not picking me. Remember, I wasn't in one Airplane! movie like William Shatner or Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. I was in both. Nicole Kidman? Charlize Theron? Jon Stewart? None. See my point? And besides, were any of them in Boy Meets World? Until you act with Topanga, you do not deserve an Oscar. That's my new rule.

I'll be awaiting the call for next year's Oscars. I don't have a number, but if you want to reach me I'm usually sleeping in one of the homeless shelters in L.A.. I really need that Oscar. I also really need work. Or food. So, in reality I'd be fine with either of those too. But I really want that Oscar.


See you in Airplane! 3,
Robert Hays

Friday, March 03, 2006

Lohan Boob Seen By Millions; Al Gore Claims Credit

The "Boob Heard Round the World" can be found here




Washington, DC (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

In a move sure to enrage Republicans, Democrats, and bow-tie fanatic Tucker Carlson, Al Gore claimed credit for enabling millions of people to view the precious and oh-so-wonderful boob of Lindsay Lohan. At an impromptu press conference called by his dolphin-wife Flipper Gore, the former Vice President said, "If I hadn't invented the Internet, none of you would have been able to witness the sheer majesty of a barely noticeable nipple on a 19 year old bulimic celebrity whore. My creation, the Internet, allowed you to find a random nipple so much quicker than the typical search through a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, previously the best source for inadvertently exposed nipples. So, give me some credit, eh?"

Lohan was unavailable for comment on Mr. Gore's proclamation, but she was said to be devastated about the pictures as they let her fans down. One source close to the quasi-attractive-in-the-proper-lighting star said that Ms. Lohan felt horrified because only one boob was visible. The same source claimed that Ms. Lohan loves her stalkerish fans and wants them to obsessively pleasure themselves over both her boobs. By only showing them one she failed them in a major way and felt awful...much like Nicole Richie after a night with Kobe Bryant. No word yet on whether Mr. Gore will run for President in 2008 on the Lohan Boob platform.



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Original JLH petition


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Thursday, March 02, 2006

President Bush Looking Forward to Next Katrina; Says "Bring it On"


Washington, DC (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Eager to show his administration's readiness for the next epic natural disaster, President Bush declared on early Thursday that he is, "Looking forward to the next Katrina." The feckless leader said, "Some people don't think my administration can handle another natural disaster. I think they're wrong. That's why I hope something big and bad happens real soon, so we can prove everyone wrong." When asked which locations were expendable, President Bush hinted at Baltimore, Detroit, and the entire state of Rhode Island. "You need to break a few eggs to make an omelette, and I'm ready to start cooking. Bring it on."

The administration has been taking heat recently after the release of new tapes showing that the President did indeed know about the impending disaster in New Orleans. In his defense, Bush spokesman Trent Duffy remarked, "You have to understand that the President is not a very bright man. You really can't expect him to remember this type of stuff from day to day. Besides, he's from Texas and most of New Orleans is...well...you know...not Lance Armstrong if you know what I mean."

Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid of Nevada issued an immediate statement of whines, cries, and other such blubberings. Senator Hillary Clinton followed Reid's statement with an equally whiney one, although more boring.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Stop Hiding Behind A Cat, Ms. Hewitt


Dear Ms. Hewitt,

When will you understand that you should, nay, you must pose for Playboy? I've appealed to your artistic sensibilities. I've appealed to your patriotism. Hell, Sam Waterston has even appealed to your respect for the Constitution of these great United States of America. But still you choose to ignore our pleas in favor of remaining clothed.

A stupid choice, but a valid one I must respect.

But now it seems you have gone too far. You see the pained expression on the face of that cat? It is representative of the incalculable pain caused by your decision not to show your tah-tahs and ya-ya (to use the slang) to the world. It is one thing to disappoint humans, but it is an entirely different thing to inhumanely inflict suffering upon the souls of tiny, defenseless cats everywhere. Even cartoon cats. This cat does not exist within the bounds of what we humans call reality, yet even it suffers on account of your reluctance to pose. This innocent cartoon feline knows you will not pose, and is thus terrified to live in a world, albeit a fictional one, without your exposed bosoms. Can't you not see the suffering on his face?! Go ahead, smile and hug him all you want, but you know that inside he is dead to the world.

I am outraged, saddened, and a little itchy.

Only you have the power to stop this...this...this terrible havoc that you have wreaked upon such an unsuspecting feline. Pose for Playboy. For the love of all things holy, you must pose. Think of the cats, Ms. Hewitt. Think of those wonderfully, cuddly, lasagna-eating cartoon cats.


Best Regards,
A Concerned Fan


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