Thursday, April 27, 2006

Washed-Up Old Hag to Pose For Playboy Many Years Too Late


Source: Here

Los Angeles, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Cindy Margolis, the self-proclaimed “Most Downloaded Woman” on the Internet, has finally decided to pose for Playboy. The hyper-tanned model had turned down Hef many times in the past, but finally agreed to bare all after turning 40.

“In the past it would have been for gratuitous reasons,” she said. "Now it'll still be for gratuitous reasons, but I'm older." She later added, "“It will be fun to go up against the 20-year-olds and show them that they don’t have anything on me. Well...maybe a better looking naked body, but that's it. Okay, maybe a less sinister smile, but that's it, I promise!"

Margolis has made headlines in recent years for her struggles with infertility. Unfortunately she never met K-Fed, as he could have easily solved that problem. Thankfully, in 2002, she gave birth to son Nicholas after a high-risk pregnancy, and is the spokeswoman for Resolve: The National Infertility Association. Her other credits are diverse and varied, from a lingerie model to a bikini model to a lingerie-looking bikini model.

No word yet from Jennifer Love Hewitt; however, sources indicate that she is not planning a retaliatory pose...even though she should.



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Wednesday, April 26, 2006

You Don't Want To Get In This Mencia's Mind



Dear America,

I'm Carlos Mencia, and I'm offensive. I'm not particularly funny, but gosh dang it, I'm offensive. You never know what I'll say. Sometimes I say that Mexicans are lazy. Other times I say that Arab people are terrorists. That's just pure offensiveness, and there's nothing you can do about it!!! If you have a problem, call Comedy Central and complain.

You see, I was born to insult people. Like white people. You guys are rich and control things. Damn! That's offensive. Chris Rock and Dave Chapelle ain't got nothing on me. Except maybe humor. But I have the offensive part under control. I say so many controversial things. Like when I said that black people like rap music and sometimes dress like pimps. If that comment was a bowl of Raisin Bran, then it would have 10 scoops of offensiveness. Did I say that I'm Mexican? Does that offend you white people? It should, because I'm Carlos Mencia and I'm offensive. I offend. Very offendingly.

So if you want to be offended, without really laughing that hard, then tune in to see The Mind of Mencia. It's horribly written and terribly unfunny, but it's...you guessed it...offensive! And I'm Mexican! And you're white! Or black! It doesn't really matter, because whatever you are, you're offended! And bored.


Best Regards,
Carlos "Loco" Mencia


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Original JLH Petition


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K-Fed Finally Succeeds At Something: Britney Spears Pregnant Again



Source: Here

Las Vegas, NV (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Following the dirt road blazed by the many great White Trash women before her, Britney Spears was impregnated once again by the ever-fertile K-Fed. This will be the 2nd child in less than two years for the young couple as they continue to eschew the benefits (to the rest of the world) of birth control. K-Fed and his mighty sperm have now created 4 children, two with a former lover in addition to his two with Ms. Spears. Sources indicate that he is proud of his new child-to-be, and hopes it will vindicate his performance on his woeful rap album. He has been quoted as saying, "All you haters gotta respect the K-Fed sperm. It's potent baby! Pop A Zowwwwww, baby!!"

Sources close to Ms. Spears indicate that she has wanted a new baby for quite some time "just in case she breaks the first one." The two lovers reportedly are bummed that Tom and Katie have branded their Xenu-to-be Suri, as that was the obvious first choice for the 2nd Spears-Federline creation. K-Fed has allegedly suggested naming the child K-Fabulous, K-Fed Jr., K-Fedex, K-Pax, or Tetracycline, but Ms. Spears has been unhappy with all of the names. For now she's content simply to bask in the glow of her husband forgetting to pull out.

No word from Christina Aguilera's camp on whether she too is expecting a child, but a spokesman close to the Dirrty singer indicated that a pregnancy is unlikely, especially since she only does anal.



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Monday, April 24, 2006

You Must Have Me Confused With The Other Valderrama


Dear World,

I am Carlos Valderrama!!! I am the great Colombian futbol player, no? I am not some silly actor who plays Fez on some silly TV show with silly writing and a silly cast (except for Mila Kunis). That is Wilmer Valderrama. I am soccer legend Carlos Valderrama. Please, do not confuse us.

See my hair? It is unique. It is my, how you say, calling card. As is my deft footwork and extraordinary passing skills. Wilmer Valderrama cannot do that. He is too busy, how you say, plowing Lindsay Lohan, Ashlee Simpson, Mandy Moore and Jennifer Love Hewitt. Me? I am playing soccer. Although I am retired from the international scene, I play in my local over 40 league. Since I am considered the best Colombian player of all time, you can imagine what I do to the competition. I destroy them like this Wilder Valderrama destroyed Mandy Moore's cherry. From what I have heard of this Mandy Moore person, clearly my job is much harder.

So please, stop sending letters and postcards to me, the Great Carlos Valderrama. I will not come to your Bar Mitzvah or Sweet Sixteen. I will not autograph your letter "From Fez." You should direct those requests to Wilmer Valderrama, for he is the Valderrama you seek. Although you fine young women can still send those naked pictures. It has been good fun for my wife and me in the, how you say, sack. But with the World Cup season approaching, I have no time to focus on anything but my beloved futbol. Do not make me do something drastic. I am unpredictable and deadly...just like my noted passing skills.


Not Wilmer,
Carlos Valderrama


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Sunday, April 23, 2006

An Open Letter From Sean Astin To Keshia Knight Pulliam















Dear Keshia,


Rudy!! Rudy!! Rudy!! Rudy!!


Hope all else is well,
Sean Astin


P.S. Rudy!!! Rudy!!!



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Thursday, April 20, 2006

An E-Mail from Debra Messing to Natalie Portman



Hey Natalie,

Hope you had a good Pesach. I don't know about you, but I'm so happy that Passover ends tonight. Don't you just hate throwing up Matzoh? I can't wait to purge out some nice, smooth pasta tonight!!!

Anyway, if you're available, I'd love to get together as I hate binging alone. I could pull your trigger and you could pull mine. It'd be fun! Just don't have any gefilte fish. LOL!!!!!


TTFN,
Debra

P.S. Had Winona over for my seder and she totally butchered the 4 Questions. Then she ran off with my seder plate. It's like a Will and Grace episode, although neither of us are gay and this situation actually was funny.



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Wednesday, April 19, 2006

An Open Letter From Wilford Brimley To Brooke Shields



Dear Brooke,

I heard you had a God damn kid yesterday. So did that young fellow by the name of Tom Cruise. I know you two haven't gotten along in the past, but I think it's high time you made up. Now I ain't no smarty pants relationship expert like Dr. Phil, but I do know a thing or two about what you're going through.

You see, I have the Diabetes. And everyone with the Diabetes knows that you get angry from time to time. Hell, one time I couldn't find my insulin and I shot a Mexican. I ain't proud of it, but I ain't denying it either. Shit happens and you have to deal. That's why you should make peace with Tom Cruise. Just like the Diabetes can't help but make me angry, Mr. Cruise can't help but make you get your God damn panties in a bunch. Crazy people have a way of doing that. He's the craziest sonofa bitch I ever seen. Don't blame the poor bastard just for being who he is. What you should do is pity him. Pity him and eat Quaker Oats.

Sure, he may say things from time to time that'll piss you off. Hell, I took a shotgun blast to the stomach once and it just pissed me off more. But there was nothing I could do about it, so I got over it. I got bigger things to worry about, like the Diabetes. I'm sure you got bigger things too. So worry about them. Don't fret that Tom doesn't believe in this or that or that his bastard child was born first. Just get on with your God damn life and you'll be fine.

And trim those God damn eyebrows, will ya'? I ain't no fashion expert, but I know they look like a damn travesty. Worst eyebrows I ever seen.


That is all.


Wilford Brimley



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Tuesday, April 18, 2006

An Open Letter from Baby Suri to Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes


Dear Tom,

Um...thanks for making me, but can you put me back? I'm sure I'll be much happier in Katie's womb. In fact, I already feel like I'm starting to become crazy. Yeah, I think I'm safer in Katie. Thanks.

Warmly,
Baby Suri



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Monday, April 17, 2006

Keith Olbermann to Bill O'Reilly: I'm Sexier Than You


Dear Bill,

In this, the 1,079th day since the declaration of mission accomplished in Iraq, I write to you and proclaim my supremacy in regards to sexiness. I, Keith Olbermann, am sexier than you, Mr. Bill O'Reilly. And that, as my friends over at NPR like to say, is that.

For years you have claimed to be sexier than me. Talk about a right wing conspiracy. Having cut my teeth in the world of sports, I am quite familiar with the bravado and blustering typical of a paper-thin superstar who is covering up a cabinet full of insecurities. Um...sound familiar, Bill? The only thing missing from your baseless claims of "ultimate sexiness" would be a full-scale Nixonian paranoia in the form of banning the mention of my "super-sexy" name from your radio show. Oh, wait, wait, you've already done that.

While my producers have kindly stayed out of the debate, which honestly really isn't a debate, those wacky honchos over at the Fair and Balanced Network have issued a press release that says, quote "While we're not taking sides, Bill O'Reilly is definitely much sexier than Keith Olbermann. When Mr. O'Reilly takes off his shirt, every woman's knees goes limp." That's not the only thing that goes limp.

Adhering to my journalistic ethos, a term with which you probably are unfamiliar, I tried to stay out of the debate. But then I saw Brit Hume report on his show, quote "Keith Olbermann has the sexiness of a terrier. Bill O'Reilly turns heterosexual men gay, and then he accuses them of being sinners." Hey pal, if you're going to lob a couple of punches, at least do them yourself. In between telling people to shut up of course.

The truth of the matter is that my sexiness was never in dispute. I'm much sexier than you are, and that is plain to the eye of all who choose to look. I know it, the American people know it, Dan Patrick knows it, and by the grace of Rupert Murdoch, you know it. Don't make me take my shirt off to prove it.

So, Bill, I congratulate you on again becoming the Worst Person in the World! And with that I urge you to keep your knees loose. Good night and good luck.


Sexily,
Keith Olbermann



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Original JLH Petition

Friday, April 14, 2006

Katie Holmes' Future Lies In Your Breasts, Jennifer Love Hewitt


Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt,

I'm sure you've been keeping up with all the twisted gossip from world of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Recently he named a plane after his beloved K-dawg. Then he bragged to GQ that he has a spectacular sex life without using the phrase "with guys," which confused America (of course). Now we learn that he has okayed Katie to speak during childbirth (assuming, of course, that she doesn't ask him to tune the TV to South Park). While the last bit of news may seem magnanimous, in reality it rings the bell of lost freedom.

I ask you, Ms. Hewitt, are we as a society reverting back to the ways of our patriarchal ancestors who viewed a man as a woman's keeper? Has our national fervor for piety, a 2nd Great Awakening if you will, become so overwhelming that we have lost the collective ability to stand up to the sexual tyranny inherent in the actions that Mr. Cruise has taken with respect to his wife Katie? Are our leaders so feckless and incompetent that they can amount no suitable resistance to the abhorrent actions of a monster like Tom Cruise? In a word, yes. And only you have the power to stop them.

By posing for Playboy, you will show the world that individualism is still important. You will show fear-mongers such as Tom Cruise that as a woman, you always retain the right to choose where and how you display your nipples. More importantly, a topless photo shoot in Playboy will show the world that Americans do indeed believe in this little concept called liberty. Your posing will be a symbolic shunning of the moral turpitude displayed by Mr. Cruise with his baseless actions against the sweet flower known as Katie Holmes. Nobody puts Joey in the corner. Please do the right thing and uphold that axiom.

If you choose not to pose, well, then consider our society lost. Mr. Cruise and his Scientology friends will have achieved their goal of the ruination of mankind, and it will all be your fault. Others may pose for Playboy but it will not be the same because...frankly...your breasts are divine and are the singular embodiment of humanity at its finest. That is why your posing, and only your posing, will rid the world of Tom Cruise and his ilk. Only your boobs, and the nirvana they inspire, have the power to shatter the patriarchal dominance that has crept back into society writ large. Please do the right thing.

Happy Easter. Happy Passover. Happy Everything.

Best Regards,
A Concerned Fan


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Thursday, April 13, 2006

Donnie Darko Mix-Up Causes Easter Disaster



Omaha, NB (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

In an apparent scheduling disaster, families in Omaha, NB expecting to see the Easter Bunny at a local mall were instead treated to the demonic visage of the Donnie Darko rabbit-man Frank. The Easter Bunny had been a staple in Omaha up until last year's "incident" with the painted eggs and the Thai prostitute. Barred from having an Easter display, mall administrators decided to celebrate the town's contribution to popular cinema with a film fest. Lacking sufficient funds, they settled on having one character from a randomly chosen Jake Gyllenhaal film show up to promote that particular movie.

Unfortunately, mall administrators forgot about the convention and had hyped up in local newspapers the Easter Bunny's annual appearance. Families looking to show their kids a good time and Thai hookers looking to get paid were shocked to find the evil-looking Frank standing by himself in the middle of the food court waving and speaking in a distorted voice. Sources indicate that both kids and hookers alike ran screaming from the scene, leaving only vapor (and some urine) trails behind them. Outraged parents attacked the helpless Frank, smearing his body in blood like a freshly painted egg.

No comment from mall administrators, but sources indicate that next year they'll pick a different, less controversial Jake Gyllenhaal movie, just to be on the safe side.


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Wednesday, April 12, 2006

[Editor's Note: Comments Open]

Loyal readers: Signatures for the great petition requesting Jennifer Love Hewitt to pose for Playboy have been stalled recently. We wondered why. It's because we didn't enable comments. Please, forgive us. Especially you, Cito Gaston. We know how much this petition means to you. So, comment away.

An Open Letter from a Shark to the Sopranos



Dear Sopranos,

Why have you jumped me?

I know a squid who gets HBO and I happened to catch this week's episode. I mean, what's up with the Vito scene? That was funny and all, but it was jarring to see it on a Sopranos episode. I lack the capacity to breathe air, and my body is comprised entirely of cartilage, but even I know when a show has gone awry.

Okay, I have to go eat an Australian. Bye!


Sincerely,
A Shark



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Original JLH petition

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

An Open Letter From Alyssa Milano to the Executives Who Canceled Charmed


Dear Executives at CW or the WB or UPN or Whatever the Hell You Call Yourselves Now,

Well, you finally got what you wanted, didn't you. You finally canceled Charmed. For 8 glorious years we ruled the airways, in the process setting a record for the longest running TV Show with female leads. We also were the only TV show since Charlie's Angels where every female lead had appeared naked in a movie, but that's besides the point. The point is that you've crushed the single greatest ovary-inspired hour-long drama in TV history, along with my hopes and dreams, of course.

I shudder to think of what my future holds as this show was my reason for living. I have nowhere else to go!! Perhaps I'll reprise my role and star in Poison Ivy 4 or something. Maybe I'll get the gang together for a Who's the Boss reunion. Heck, I may even fall back into the arms of Scott Wolf. As you can see, my future is bleak, and you're 100% to blame.

Seriously, do you understand what you've done? You've gone and canceled the single greatest TV show since Major Dad. Why? What benefit did that serve? I bet Shannen Doherty is behind this. That bitch has had it in for me ever since...ever since...well, I don't know...but a long time. I think that she's just mad because we found a replacement who's even paler than she is. Rose can out-pale Shannen any day of the week and Shannen knows it.

Anyway, I hope you're satisfied. If I end up face down in a gutter or Scott Wolf's lap (is there a difference?), don't be surprised. It's all your fault for canceling such an amazing show. And just wait. Just wait until all the frumpy women and slightly effeminate magic-obsessed nerds start e-mailing you. You'll see. You'll put us back on in no time. Trust me.


Unhappily Yours,
Alyssa Milano



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Monday, April 10, 2006

Moses Parts Both Red Sea and Gwyneth Paltrow's Vagina

New York, NY (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Chris Martin, ne'er-do-well lead singer of a U2 cover band, and Gwyneth Paltrow, star of the critically acclaimed Shallow Hal and the classic Ben Affleck film Bounce, welcomed a healthy baby boy named Moses Martin this weekend in New York. The hospital suddenly grew silent as a lightning bolt shot from heaven and parted Ms. Paltrow's Affleck-tainted vagina. Out emerged a crying baby Moses, staff in hand. Sources indicate that she then fed the baby with manna from either heaven or her bosom.

Martin and Paltrow, who already have a son named Apple Martin, have now vaulted into third place in the "Dumbest Celebrity Children Names" contest. Frank Zappa still maintains his comfortable lead with children Moon Unit, Dweezil, Ahmet, and Diva. Bruce Willis and Demi Moore come in at a comfortable 2nd place with children Scout, Rumer, and Tallulah Belle.

No word on whether the child will be as annoying as the parents, but sources indicate that it already cries with a fake British accent and will only sleep when Shakespeare in Love is on the "telly."


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Bush Says U.S. Not In Debt; Cites Malaysian Man's Phone Bill As Proof

Source: Here

Washington D.C. (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Lashing out at critics who have assailed his recent signing of a bill to raise the government's debt limit, President Bush once again touted the strength of the U.S. Economy. This time, the proof came in the form of a Malaysian man's phone bill. Mr. Bush pointed to the phone bill, which came in at a cool 218 trillion dollars, as proof that the U.S. debt really isn't so high. At a recent speaking engagement he said, "Some folks will have you believe that an 8 trillion dollar debt is a bad thing. But how bad can it be when a phone bill is 27 times larger? I think our administration is doing a heckuva a job with the economy." Mr. Bush's brazen comparison shocked the audience, but what followed was even more shocking. To prove how strong the economy really is, Mr. Bush proceeded to light a cigar with a 100 dollar bill, wipe his buttocks with another, and then rolled up a third Benjamin and approached Condoleeza Rice's crotch before being hastily escorted offstage.

No word on how the Malaysian man intends to pay for his bill, but regardless he has decided to increase his cell phone night and weekend minutes so this will not happen again.


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Friday, April 07, 2006

An Open Letter From Phil Jackson's Soul Patch to Phil Jackson



Dear Phil,

Shave me the fuck off. Seriously, dude. What part of "you look like an idiot" don't you understand? Look man, we've been through a lot together. But I've been around long enough and you know it. You look like a fool, man. Shave me the fuck off! I'm starting to get real tired of hearing your zen bullshit. Why do you think I went gray? You're killing me, man! I'm doing nothing but making you look bad. Shave me the fuck off.

I understand you're trying to make a statement. It's been made, chief. Now it's time for me to go. Seriously, if I have to touch Jeanie Buss's thighs one more time, I think I may start becoming ingrown. Yeah, she can look good sometimes and must be one hell of a lay, but the same can be said about a Great Dane after enough beers. Or so you've told me before. The point is...it's time to cut the ties that bind us. Literally. Shave me the fuck off.


Thank You,
Your Soul Patch



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Original JLH Petition

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Thursday, April 06, 2006

Kobe Bryant Jealous of Duke University Lacrosse Team



Dear Duke University Lacrosse Team,

I heard about what happened, and I only have one thing to say: you lucky sons of bitches! I'm so jealous! It's one thing to rape someone by yourself, but to do it with a whole gang of your friends...man...I can only imagine how that must feel. We athletes know how important it is to bond with your teammates. What better way than through gang rape? Gang rape. Kind of has a nice ring to it, eh? Man, I envy you guys. You got to do it at home too! I had to go to Colorado. Such a shame. And then it cost me that $4 million diamond, but don't even get me started on that. Hopefully your girlfriends will understand what an amazing and rare opportunity this was for you. My wife knew the deal. Good luck at the trial and I'll see you when we play the Bobcats!


Best Regards,
Kobe "Only a Single Person Rapist" Bryant




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Ed Note: Obviously we here at JLH Central do not support rape. This was just our feeble attempt to mock those involved, who deserve mockery and shame.

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Adam Morrison to Replace Meredith Vieira on The View




















New York, NY (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

In a bold move, NCAA basketball star Adam Morrison was named as the replacement for Meredith Vieira on ABC's morning squawk-fest The View. Vieira officially resigned from the estrongenically-inclined show early on Thursday morning, when NBC announced that she would be replacing Katie Couric on The Today Show. Vieira will have big shoes to fill on The Today Show as for years Couric was regarded as "Queen of the Ovaries" amongst the morning news show hosts. Morrison, on the other hand, will not have much to live up to as nothing on The View is considered to be of high quality.

At first glance, Morrison appears to be an odd choice to replace Vieira, as he does not have a vulva. However, ABC producers were apparently wowed by his performance at the NCAA tournament. Not only was his insanely irrational behavior typical of many premenstrual females, but also his wispy mustache drew parallels to menopausal women. Both women fall squarely within the target demographic. But it was his crying in his loss to UCLA that really separated him from the pack. Said one producer on The View, "Man...the second I saw him break down and cry with 2 seconds left in the game, thereby sealing his team's fate...I just knew he'd fit right in here." Another producer simply laughed and made a big V sign on his chest.

Morrison is reportedly delighted to join the cast, and looks forward to excoriating other men. No word yet from his co-hosts, but sources indicate that Barbara Walters is looking forward to mispronouncing his name on a daily basis.




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Wednesday, April 05, 2006

An Open Letter From Jessica Alba to Jennifer Love Hewitt



Hey Jennifer!

Did you hear the news? Hef apologized to me for putting me on that Playboy cover. Remember how mad I got when he put me on the cover? It was just so wrong. I mean, I don't have a problem with nudity, but I was angry because that cover should totally have gone to you. And when I saw him put my picture on it instead of yours, I was outraged! Thankfully, he apologized, but it was too late. I hope you forgive him for that. The world needs to see you in Playboy, so don't let this incident deter you. Trust me, Hef still loves you. As do I. We should make out sometime soon.

Anyway, I should probably go now. I have to get a bikini wax this afternoon. Oh and I have to neuter my cat again. He's already been fixed a few times, but I like to do it every once in a while just to make sure. I'm sure Mr. McKitty loves it!

Call me soon and we'll go clubbing or something. It's been TOOOO long. Everytime we go out we just get sooooo crazy. Maybe we'll both snort some cocaine again. Hee hee. The word snort always makes me laugh, but I just can't write "do some blow" with a straight face. Hee hee. Can't wait!


TTFN,
Jessica Alba


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Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Yet Another Baseball Player Arrested For Steroids


New York, NY (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

In an exclusive scoop here at JLH Central, well placed sources within Major League Baseball have indicated that there has been another steroid bust in the ongoing performance-enhancing controversy. Little-known relief pitcher Chest Rockwell, pictured above, was busted in a raid and found to be in possession of close to 2000 pounds of Nandrolone, Winstrol, and HGH, 1000 pounds of which were already injected into his biceps. Teammates first suspected Chest of steroid abuse when he came into spring training this year 75 pounds heavier, 66 of which were localized in his biceps. During spring training this year he displayed other tell-tale warning signs, such as uncontrollable rage, baldness, and bacne. In one rage-filled incident, Chest screamed unintelligibly at teammate Brock Landers, and then picked up a passing stray cat and ate it whole. He then threw a chair through a window and ripped a phone book in half with his teeth. No comment yet from Bud Selig, although sources indicate that he has tasted Chest's sperm and confirmed its sterility. If convicted, Chest's team records, which include most hit batsmen in an inning and most ethnic slurs delivered during an episode of Jeopardy, will be expunged from baseball's archives.


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Monday, April 03, 2006

Jesse Helms Has Dementia; Wife Must Remind Him He's Racist On A Daily Basis


Jesse Helms, long time Senator from North Carolina, has recently moved to a convalescent home as he is suffering from vascular dementia. The once-fiery supporter of South African apartheid was known as the hardest-working bigot in Washington, but was looking forward to simply becoming a run-of-the-mill retired bigot in North Carolina. Unfortunately, his condition has taken a turn for the worse.

"It's a real shame," his wife said. "He doesn't remember much anymore. I heard him say something nice about Magic Johnson and I had to remind him that he hates people with HIV and once said that 'there is not one single case of AIDS in this country that cannot be traced in origin to sodomy.'" But she remained optimistic. "He has his good days and bad. The other day I was encouraged when he turned on C-SPAN and called Barack Obama 'A dumb, n--ger bastard.' But then during dinner he laughed at the 'Not that there's anything wrong with it' Seinfeld episode. He even argued that homosexuality could potentially be innate. That's when I knew his dementia had worsened." No comments yet from Democrats, but sources indicate that they are lining up to block the appropriations bill that would pay for his funeral.


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