Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Katie Couric Declines On-Air Gang Bang In Final Today Show Episode



New York, NY (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Earlier today the undisputed queen of morning perkiness, Katie Couric, bid farewell to NBC's Today Show, but not before politely declining one final on-air gangbang with fellow hosts Al Roker and Matt Lauer. Roker had been lobbying for an on-air orgy for years.

"I've never kept secret my intentions of having a Roker-Couric-Lauer sandwich on live TV," said the jovial and untalented weatherman, "but she's always turned me down. I thought it was a weight thing, then I thought it was a black thing, but now I'm thinking it was just good-ole-fashioned hesitation to performing hardcore pornography on network TV. Go figure."

Couric has never been one to shy away from controversial actions, such as when she broadcast an on-air colonoscopy in 2000. Sources indicate that at the time she also wanted to broadcast an on-air vasectomy, but Matt Lauer wouldn't agree to it. This time it was Couric who balked.

"You know she wants to do it," sneered an angry Lauer. "Seriously, she's just acting all corporate now that she's a fancy-shmancy news anchor. You know what? I don't even want to do it anymore. I wouldn't fuck her with Al Roker's dick."

No word from the Couric camp, although sources indicate that she was proud of her final Today Show episode and has no plans to enter the adult industry. However, rumblings out of the Roker camp indicate that he is finally ready to enter his dream industry and is preparing to shoot a new feature with Jenna Jameson titled I Predict That It Will Rain...All Over You.



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Monday, May 29, 2006

Can You Leg Press My Boobs, Pat?



Dear Pat,

Heard about the whole leg press thing. Quite impressive for an old geezer like you. I mean, not impressive enough for me to sleep with you. That's the other Playmate of the Year. But still impressive.

So I've got a real challenge for you. You think you have enough strength to leg press my giant melons? Look at them. They're bigger than Nicole Richie. Not her boobs...her entire body. They've blocked the sun on various occasions causing drought and famine in third world countries. Think you have enough strength to press them? I doubt it. But it's up to you to show me, baby. Time for you to man up and leg press my Playmate of the Year boobs. Any time. I'll be waiting for you.


XOXOXO,
Victoria Silvstedt




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Original JLH Petition


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Sunday, May 28, 2006

Wilford Brimley Speaks Out On Angelina Jolie's Baby



Dear Angelina,

I oughta kick your ass. Real God damn Americans don't have their God damn children off in some foreign land. You and that pretty boy Brad Pitt should take a lesson from true patriots like Charles Bronson and Clint Eastwood. They spawned their children in the US of God damn A. But you're just some naked ole' hussy with great lips and a hell of a God damn rack. You don't know nothin. That's why I'm gonna give you some advice. Better listen to me or I might just get a little more pissed off.

1. Come back to the US now because all breastfeeding should be done in the US. And I should supervise. I ain't no pervert, I just don't trust you and that Pitt fella'.

2. You should name the child Wilford Brimley Jolie Pitt. I don't care that it was a girl. To restore order to this whole mess you've created, you need to give her a name synonymous with power. And anger. And big mustaches.

3. Make sure the kid gets tested for Diabetes. As you know, I have The Diabetes, and I sure as hell don't want another person to have it. That'll just make me cranky, and you sure as hell don't want that happening.


You better listen to me, Ms. Brangelina or whatever the hell you God damn go by these days. I know about child rearin', but it's my way or the highway. I don't think you want that God damn highway.


Cranky,
Wilford Brimley




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Thursday, May 25, 2006

Kurt Cobain Shoots Self Again Just In Case



Heaven (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Kurt Cobain, the late guitarist and lead singer for Nirvana, committed suicide for the second time after hearing an all ukulele cover of Smells Like Teen Spirit: here. Cobain had been dead for over a decade, but after hearing about the ukulele cover of his classic, he immediately felt the urge to shoot himself. Unfortunately, being an angel, bullets didn't have much of an effect. In an unprecedented move, the Lord granted Cobain special permission to become a human again, so long as he immediately shot himself in the face. Sources close to the dead singer indicate that it was worth it.


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Ruben Studdard to Eat Taylor Hicks



Los Angeles, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Fearing yet another threat to his failing career, former American Idol champion Ruben Studdard has publicly stated his intention to eat newly crowned American Idol champion Taylor Hicks. Studdard's career has been on the downslide, and with each new Idol champion his chances of success grow dimmer. And his appetite grows larger. At a hastily arranged press conference, Studdard said the following:

"I wholeheartedly congratulate Taylor Hicks on his victory last night. Despite having no discernible singing talent, greyer hair than Bea Arthur's vagina, and a tendency to make spastic gestures in lieu of dance steps, he deserved to win. But just as his victory will most certainly propel his career forward, it will send mine further downwards. That is why I must eat him. By consuming him I will be able to absorb his charismatic lifeforce and reduce my competition at the same time. Only then will my career receive the necessary boost that it deserves. I can sing, yo. It's time my record sales reflected that. Thank you and bon appetite."

Sources close to Mr. Hicks are concerned for his well-being, and have begun spraying him daily with broccoli-scented cologne to ward off Mr. Studdard, who notoriously hates the green vegetable. Mr. Studdard refused to make any further comments after his press conference, but has indicated that he's also looking forward to consuming Kelly Clarkson as she'd be a "meaty snack."


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Wednesday, May 24, 2006

An Open Letter From Ashton Kutcher to Demi Moore



My Sweet Demi,

By golly, the rumors are true. I want a child. I want a child more than SNL wants credibility. I want a child more than I want acting talent. I even want a child more than Paris Hilton wants ex-boyfriends to stop calling her hoo-hoo the "Jaws of Life." I want a full-blooded, American child, and I hope you'll be my receptacle. Or my baby's mamma. Whichever term you like better.

I apologize for coming to you in this open forum, but I thought there was no other way to let you know just how much I'm dreaming of daddyhood. Sure, I could tell you at night just before your botox injections, but then you wouldn't be able to cry tears of joy. Yes, I could tell you in the morning before you adjust your boob implants, but I'm afraid of being transfixed by those hypnotic weapons and losing my train of thought. And I guess I could tell you after lunch, but we all know that you don't like to hear good news when you're freebasing cocaine. It just amps you up too much and you go and do stupid things. Remember the "lettuce" incident? So, by process of elimination, my only choice is to write you this letter. My sweet Demi, I really want a child, and I'm willing to do anything to get it.

Your ovaries are very important to me, and I want to dump my sperm in them, but at the same time, I'm willing to adopt or kidnap to get a child. Seriously, I'll steal a child off the street if you won't be my loving receptacle. I'll buy one on the black market. I'll even take one from Britney Spears, as she seems proficient at popping them out. That's just how I roll. So lay down, put your legs up, and wait for it, baby. Ashton's gonna be a daddy...hopefully you'll be the mommy.


Love,
Ashton Kutcher


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Monday, May 22, 2006

Paris Hilton To Lindsay Lohan: You Can Have Your Nachos Rancheros



Dear Lindsay,

A little birdie told me that you were canoodling with my ex, Mr. Nachos Rancheros himself. Now, I don't know what canoodling means because I'm not really the brightest bulb in the hamster wheel. But it sounds bad. And, like, that makes you bad. You're not a teen queen...you're a teen mean. Yeah, that's what you are. Fuck you. But don't fuck him. He's mine. Even though I dumped him. Whatever. I'm rich!

So...anyway, don't, like, do him. Or if you're going to, don't do it in public. Do it behind a barn. Without protection. Because he has herpes. From me. And then you'll get it and I'll laugh because I'm so hot. So hot. Either way I'll win because I'm rich. And you? Ha ha...you had to act with Tina Fey in Mean Girls. Now THAT truly means you're pathetic. I rest my case.


Suck it,
Paris Hilton


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Thursday, May 18, 2006

Jimmy Hoffa Found Emerging from Angelina Jolie's Vagina



Swakopmund, Namibia (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

One of the lucky paparazzis staked out in Namibia on the round-the-clock Angelina Jolie baby-watch, made a stunning discovery on Thursday. Leonard Weisenblatt, a photographer for the newly created Daily Branjelina, was hiding in the brush trying to spot signs of the anointed child's arrival into this great world when he spotted Jimmy Hoffa's head sticking out of Ms. Jolie's vagina. Hoffa, a famed teamster in the 50s and 60s, has been missing since 1975, when he reputedly was killed by mobsters. Recently, the FBI began digging at Hidden Dreams Farm in Michigan in search of the "the human remains of James Riddle Hoffa." Little did they know that Mr. Hoffa was actually being kept in Ms. Jolie's womb.

Mr. Weisenblatt didn't initially know what he had photographed. "I was just happy to see something near Angelina's hole," he said. Upon learning it was actually the elusive Mr. Hoffa, he was both shocked and enthusiastic. "A baby would have been great, but a missing teamster...well, that just takes the cake. I mean, shit." Sources close to Jolie have not confirmed the validity of the story, but they did indicate that it was no coincidence that Jolie was born only one month after Mr. Hoffa disappeared. No word from the Hoffa family, but sources indicate they too are happy to be associated with Ms. Jolie's vagina.




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Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Fantasy Baseball Owners To Sue Hideki Matsui's Wrist



New York, NY (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

On Tuesday morning, Fantasy Baseball owners across the country filed a class action lawsuit against NY Yankee Hideki Matsui's left wrist. The faulty wrist, which shattered during a game last week, has landed the Yankee star on the disabled list for 3 months, crushing the hopes and dreams of so many Fantasy Baseball owners. Matsui was a Fantasy Baseball favorite, drafted in the first or second round in most drafts on account of his consistency and dependability. Consequently, losing such a reliable star for up to 3 months will crush many owners' teams.

"What a crock of horse shit," said one Fantasy Baseball owner who asked to be identified only as PZ. "I drafted that cock in the first round and then his wrist up and snaps like that. Who does he think he is, Nomahhh Garciparra?" A spokesman for Mr. Matsui's wrist said through a translator that the wrist is very sorry and hopes to get better as soon as possible. Mr. Matsui himself was silent about the matter, but sources indicate that he scolded the wrist the night of the injury and is thinking about joining the lawsuit as he also drafted himself in his own Fantasy Baseball league.

The lawsuit is not without precedent, as past owners have sued Barry Bonds' knee, A-Rod's heart, and Curt Schilling's ego.




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Monday, May 15, 2006

An Open Letter From Karl Rove To God


Dear God,

I write to you today to extend an olive branch. In the past I know we've had our differences , what with you being supremely benevolent and me being...well...Karl Rove, but today is the dawn of a new period in my life and I thought it would be good to start off on the right foot. Besides, my contract with Satan has just expired, so I'm a free agent again. Like Phil Collins, I'm back on the market, baby!

So here's the deal. I will pledge to give up politics and work on your behalf for the rest of my natural life. Granted, many of those years may be behind bars, but I'll still spread the message. I'll work tirelessly on your behalf, using the no holds barred approach that has made me successful. For example, I'll start a whisper campaign besmirching Satan's honor. I'll also leak damaging information about Satan to the press as the main stream media forever will be my pawn. Trust me, when I'm done with Satan he'll be in worse shape than the Democratic party. Well, maybe not that bad, but it still won't be pretty. The point is I'll be your servant, messenger, and Number 1 asskicker. In return, I only ask for one thing.

Hair. Seriously, I just want some hair. Have you seen me recently? I look like a cancer patient. I've been sportin' that comb-over look for quite sometime, and let me tell you, it ain't working. Nobody wants to do me! Power is supposed to attract women, but I look like one of the Bobs from Office Space, so that sort of nullifies that. I'm willing to give up all of the riches and blessings that Satan promised me if you'll just give me some damn hair. A victory in the 2006 mid-terms for Republicans would also be nice, but I don't want to push my luck. I'll just settle for a nice perm.

There it is. My pledge to work tirelessly for you, in exchange for a little hair, and then a little somethin' somethin' from a few female Washington staffers. If you do a really good job, maybe I can do some Karl Kramming with Ashlee Simpson. She's been looking hot since that nose job. Any way you cut it, it's the perfect deal, if you ask me. Think about it and let me know. You can reach me on George's direct line to you. Thanks.


Best Regards,
Karl Rove.



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Friday, May 12, 2006

If Jennifer Love Hewitt Doesn't Pose For Playboy, I'm Going To Club This Baby Seal



Dear Ms. Hewitt,

I'm sorry it's come to this. Really, I am. I tried to be civil, but apparently you do not respond well to civility. I tried to be bold, but audacity has not a place in your heart either. I even tried to appeal to your sense of motherhood, but apparently you hold the future of our great society in low esteem. My humble pleas for you to pose for Playboy have fallen upon deaf ears, and I am deeply saddened by that fact. Nevertheless, I must press on in my great and noble quest to have you bare your righteous bosoms to the world. And so I present to you the following ultimatum:

Pose for Playboy, or I will club this baby seal. That's right. I'm gonna club this seal to get you to pose. You know I'll do it, too, cause I'm crazy. Violence is not my preferred negotiating tactic, but by golly it works. Are you willing to let this cute and cuddly seal fall victim to a brutal assault simply to preserve your "integrity". May I suggest, kind madam, that you gave up ALL your integrity the minute you acted in a movie with Freddie Prinze, Jr. So, honestly, I don't know what is holding you back. For goodness sake, Cindy Margolis is posing before you. Have you no sense of decency, my dear Jennifer Love Hewitt?

Please do not get the wrong idea. I don't WANT to club this baby seal. But I feel like you've left me no choice. Frankly, I HAVE to club this seal if you don't pose. The Lord has spoken to me and commanded me, "Thou shalt club thy seal to maketh the Cleavaged One poseth for thy divine magazine." I can't argue with The Lord. Can you?

So once again, I leave it in your hands and urge you to make the right decision. Bare your chest or get a nice new fur coat. Which will it be?


Best Regards,
A Concerned Fan



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Thursday, May 11, 2006

A Eulogy To Ashlee Simpson's Nose by Gary Coleman

Upon hearing the recent sad news that Ashlee Simpson had a nose job, we here at An Online Petition for Jennifer Love Hewitt, were devastated. Just flat-out devastated. As a rule we bemoan all celebrity plastic surgery, but we were particularly disheartened to hear about Ms. Simpson's alleged rhinoplasty as we're afraid it could affect her oh-so-melodic voice. That would be a travesty. A travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham, to be exact. We didn't know how to properly express our grief, but luckily an old friend was available and wanted to write something. Who, you ask? Gary Coleman, of course. Failing to learn from past mistakes (#1, #2), we gave him the reins again.




Whatchu Talkin' Bout Ashlee's Nose,

You could have been nicer when we met that time in Paris. After all, I was on Diff'rent Strokes for 8 years and I played Arnold Jackson. Do you hear me? I played Arnold freakin' Jackson. Oh that's right, you can't hear. You're a nose and you're dead. Ha ha, that was a joke because I'm very funny. You are not. And thus, we are saddened by your death.

You were not even Ashlee's worst feature, and yet you leave her? What ego. I was, languishing at home with no prospects of a career, and you were off living the good life in Hollywood as the centerpiece of that wretched teen's face. And yet, you never called me. I can solve many complex Physics and Mathematics equations, yet I cannot comprehend this simple fact. I may be short in stature, but I definitely am large when it comes to non-stature related things. But you have chosen the easy way out and will never know this. I mourn your death, but I celebrate my own life. Without my life, your existence as a nose would not matter. Can't you see that? Oh that's right, you can't see. You're a nose and you're dead. Ha ha I was funny again. Praise me.

Clearly the world should be honoring me today, but you have the headlines. I don't understand. I blame you for once again stealing my attention. I hope Ashlee's life without you is much happier and more credible. But I have not come here to insult you. You have done that quite enough yourself. Now you must rest. I will avenge your death.


Sadly,
Gary Coleman

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Tuesday, May 09, 2006

David Blaine Performs Death-Defying Stunt; Fans Tired of the Defying Part


New York, NY (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

David Blaine - magician, self-promoter, and otherwise useless contributor to society - left the hospital today after being admitted for observation following his one week fishbowl odyssey. Mr. Blaine had spent the past week trapped in an 8-foot fish bowl with an oxygen mask and then attempted to hold his breath for a world record 9 minutes. He was pulled from the tank after 7 minutes, two short of the record, and was greeted by a chorus of boos from the disappointed onlookers, most of whom were hoping for death to win for a change. Mr. Blaine has defied death many times in the past, and most onlookers felt it was death's turn. "It's only fair," said Kathy Robertson, mother of two and avowed magic-hater. "I mean, it's getting kinda boring to see him win all the time."

Event organizers were very happy to see Mr. Blaine emerge alive as they were hesitant to flush him down the toilet if he died in the fishbowl. No word on whether Mr. Blaine will try any new stunts, but sources indicate that nobody cares.




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Mary Cheney Officially Changes Name To "Openly Gay Mary Cheney"


Washington, DC (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Mary Cheney, Vice President Dick Cheney's openly gay daughter has filed papers to officially change her name to "Openly Gay Mary Cheney." The move is unlikely to cause any commotion on Capital Hill, as most of the press corp already refers to her as openly gay at every opportunity anyway, but the name change likely will upset her moribund, monstrous, moldered, nefarious, effete, and mostly bald father. Initially Mary was simply going to change her name to "Gay Mary Cheney," but friends informed her that it wasn't gay enough. To REALLY let people know that she was full-out swashbuckling Ellen Degeneres gay, she decided to add openly to her title. She almost added the full title "Vice President's Openly Gay Daughter" to her name, but thought it would be too much work when signing checks. Although she did think that having VPOGDMC as her initials would be wicked cool in an openly gay type of way.

Openly Gay Mary Cheney has been relentlessly promoting her openly gay new book "Now It's My Turn: A Daughter's Chronicle of Political Life", and has become emboldened at the new research supporting the genetic basis of being openly gay. Plans are in the works to write a new openly gay book titled "Not That There's Anything Wrong With It" with a forward by Larry David. No openly gay word yet from the Vice President's camp, but openly gay sources indicate that he's fuming in an undisclosed but openly gay location.



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Monday, May 08, 2006

Gargamel to Stephen Colbert: You Have No Idea How To Roast



Dear Mr. Colbert,

Curse you! I just got wireless installed in my castle and I saw your video from that White House dinner. You deserve all the criticism you're getting because you have no idea how to roast somebody. Where you went wrong was standing up there and making little jokes and very obvious satirical references. What you should have done is gotten a big cauldron with bubbling water and smoke, and then tossed President in it like a little smurf! Oooh ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! You can't roast someone with words. You need salt and pepper, and I imagine some oregano. I can't wait to eat Papa Smurf. Ooo, those goody-goody Smurfs make me sick! I'm going to eat them all!


Gargamel



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Thursday, May 04, 2006

Baseball Once Again Voted America's Pastime for Aging White Sportswriters



Cooperstown, NY (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

A new study conducted by the Baseball Loving Old White Haired ARchaic Dinosaur Society (BLOWHARDS) has reaffirmed that baseball is indeed America's pastime...for Aging White Sportswriters. In a poll of 40,000 randomly selected humanoids across the United States, Major League Baseball came in dead last in popularity out of 10 possible sports, but held a sizable lead among the influential Aging White Sportswriters demographic. Pro Football and Basketball held sway over the general population, with Golf, Tennis, and Excessive Masturbation rounding out the top 5. Among Aging White Sportswriters, it was Baseball followed by Football, Golf, Horse Racing, and again Baseball (tied with Excessive Masturbation) for the 5th spot.

When asked, 65% of general respondents stated that they "didn't give two shits" about Barry Bonds or steroids or even Babe Ruth. That number plummeted to 1% among Aging White Sportswriters, who unanimously considered Barry Bonds' eventual passing of Babe Ruth on the home run list to be a worse offense than knowingly giving the AIDS virus to a sexual partner. 59% of Aging White Sportswriters also admitted to occasionally picturing Babe Ruth's face while making sweet love, and a staggering 97% of Aging White Sportswriters mentioned Mickey Mantle's name when asked who would have made a great pope in the 1950s.

Bud Selig touted the survey as "Proof positive that baseball is alive and well in the minds of many of my decrepit peers." But he later added, "Unfortunately, most of my peers will soon die, so, I guess we still have work to do." To inject a bit of youth into the sport, sources have indicated that Selig will ask Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton to throw out the first pitch of an upcoming game. Or at the very least, they'll do something with the ball.



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Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Matt Leinart to Release Sex Tape


Las Vegas, NV (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Matt Leinart can add two more items to his ever burgeoning resume. Heisman trophy winner, one of the 100 most beautiful people, top 10 draft pick in the NFL, and now...herpes and a sex tape. Recent reports have linked Matt Leinart to Paris Hilton (or here), ensuring Mr. Leinart's eventual STD infection and increasing his likelihood to release a sex tape.

Although Mr. Leinart has never before released a sex tape, he is most assuredly up to the challenge, as he is familiar with all things Trojan and Bush. Mr. Leinart had previously denied his relationship with Ms. Hilton, but sources indicate that he had been privately hinting at it for weeks, saying such things as, "I'm going to be staying at a Hilton tonight," or "I love going into a Hilton," or "I just had invasive anal sex with Paris Hilton last night."

There has been no confirmation yet from either Ms. Pokebag or Mr. Leinart, but sources close to the heiress indicate that she she's happy to be dating again, and wants to thank Mr. T. for his advice. The happy couple could be seen shopping at a Best Buy, trying out cameras for the inevitable sex tape.



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Tuesday, May 02, 2006

An Open Letter from Mr. T. to Paris Hilton


Dear Paris,

You're a fool - that's what wrong with you. You broke yourself up with that Stavros Nachos guy. He's a fool. I pity both of you, but don't go sitting around and crying. Take my advice - eat your greens, don't do drugs, and treat your mother right. And make another sex tape. T liked that tape. Mmmmm. Good tape. Why don't you bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight and I'll show you a real man.

You see, woman, I'm the new Dr. Phil. Just watch my new TV Show, "I Pity the Fool", which is starting soon on the TV Land network, and you'll see. But there ain't no crying on my show. The `T' stands for talking. I'm going to talk it up. It's what I've been doing all my life. It's what you need now. You need some inspiration. T will give you that. T will give you a lot more than that Nachos Rancheros guy ever could. Just don't go crying on me. Don't be a bigger fool than you already are. But keep making those sex tapes. Mmmmmm...T loves them sex tapes. Cuz I love to eat balls.



Pitying You,
Mr. T




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Monday, May 01, 2006

An E-mail From The Makers of Vicodin to Anna Nicole Smith



Dear Anna Nicole,

Heard the great news about your case. Glad to see that you'll be loaded again soon. Speaking of which, we have your standing order of Vicodin ready and are willing to start shipping it as soon as you get your money. Just let us know and you'll be doped up in no time!

Oh yeah...we're looking forward to your celebratory pose in Playboy. But see what you can do about getting Jennifer Love Hewitt to pose, eh? We have an office pool going.

Love,
Abbott Laboratories




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NBA Player Gets Testicles Pulled; Groupies Not Involved

Source: Here

Los Angeles, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

In one of the weirdest moments in sports history, two NBA players were involved in a testicles pulling incident, and not a single groupie was impregnated. During Saturday's L.A. Clippers-Denver Nuggets game, Nuggets forward Reggie Evans gave Clippers center Chris Kaman the most surprising reach-around of his life. During the game, Evans apparently reached under Kaman's shorts and gave a tug on the twins, causing Kaman to lash back and receive a flagrant foul. The NBA has long had a history of testicle pulling, but the majority occurred off the court with groupies. The one exception, of course, is the 1972 Knicks-Celtics notorious "Tug-Off in Tulsa" where a brawl nearly ensued at an exhibition game in Oklahoma after several Celtics players repeatedly tugged at Walt Frazier's legendary sac.

No word yet on whether Evans will be suspended for his actions, but sources indicate that at the very least, he should take Kaman out for dinner.



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