Thursday, June 29, 2006

Clint Howard on Britney Spears




Dear Britney,

Gosh, those pictures of you naked and pregnant are turning me on. Trust me, I'm an authority on certified hotness, and you sure are the number one bitch out there. Yes! Score one for Clinty. That's right, baby, I think you are H-O-T-T. That's Clint-talk for Hot as a firecracker, only twice as deadly. You are a babe and 2 quarters...or what some people call a half. That's right, baby, you are a hot tamale with a baby in your belly, which makes you all the more sexy my twinklebell. I want to eat you up!

Look at my face. You getting horny? Come on, just a little bit? I'm Ron Howard's brother!! Seriously, I'm famous, toots. So you should listen to me when I say that those pictures of you naked and pregnant (negnant or praked, if you will), are enough to flip my tip. That's Clint-talk for ooooohhhhh yeah. K-Fed better be on your booty all day, cuz I'm waiting in the wings, ready to jump on board your fertile body and ride all day and night. And after riding you, maybe then we can have some sex. Or intercourse, as the ladies prefer. That's right, baby, Clint is all over you like white on pasta. And you better be ready for me. And who knows, maybe there will be a little Ron action too. Two Howards? Too much.


Catch ya later crocodile,
Clint Howard



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Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Star Jones to Release "Star Gone Wild" Video



New York, NY (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Star Jones Reynolds, noted celebrity stomach stapler, has a new career in the works. After recently announcing her exit from "The View", ABC's daily estrongenical rant-fest, Ms. Jones Reynolds announced her desire to headline a new series of Girls Gone Wild videos called Star Gone Wild. The videos will be shot in various exotic locations (e.g., Detroit, Tulsa, and Fairbanks), and will feature the famed annoying commentator gyrating her naked torso while screaming German obscenities. It is not for the weak of heart or appetite.

Ms. Jones Reynolds did not have any immediate comment, but sources indicate that not a single person on planet earth is enthusiastic about this new endeavor, including her husband and the film company. Reportedly, Ms. Jones Reynolds threatened to eat every person in the production company if they renegged on the deal.

No word yet from ABC, although sources indicate they are preparing a daytime movie about the dangers of bulimia, as they expect many, many people to be vomiting in the near future.


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Tuesday, June 27, 2006

I, David Hasselhoff, Plan to Give My Fortune Away Too




Dear Mr. Buffett,

Congrats on the big donation. $37 Billion to charity is quite the gift. Quite the gift, indeed. But it's no match for what I'm about to do. I'm about to bequeath the greatest gift imaginable. That's right, I'm going to give away my own personal fortune. My personal fortune of chest hair that is.

Just as you represent the pinnacle of savvy investing, I represent the zenith of early 1980s chest hair glory. Your generous monetary gift will bring great joy to billions of people for generations to come. My donated chest hair will make millions of grown women weep with pleasure. And when those tears fall to the ground, they will seed great forests and sweeping fields of grain. Pestilence, famine, hunger, and other things that look like they've been inflicted upon Nicole Richie will suddenly end. All because of my magnanimous chest hair donation. Do not underestimate the power of the Hoff.

So bask in the glory of your gift for now. But do not bask for long. The Hoff shall prevail in the end. All praise be to my chest hair.


Looking for Freedom,
David Hasselhoff


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Monday, June 26, 2006

Wilford Brimley Speaks Out About Bathroom Sex




Thanks to David F for this week's question. We swear...we actually received some e-mailed questions to Wilford. Keep em' coming to pleasedoitmshewitt@yahoo.com.

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Dear Wilford,

Is bathroom sex appropriate for the work place? If so, what can I use to clean up the mess?

Thanks,
David F



Dear David F,

Thanks for your God damn question. Of course bathroom sex is appropriate for the workplace. Hell, I used to do it all the time when I worked as a blacksmith. I don't do it anymore as I have The Diabetes and don't want to mess around with my God damn blood sugar levels. Also, I stopped having sex 10 years ago as I can orgasm simply by yelling at my prostate. That's just the type of man I am. But since I have more testosterone in my God damn pinky than you probably have in your entire body, you probably should have yourself some bathroom sex. Just don't pick a damn fat chick. You gotta have yourself some standards.

The key to a good romp in the workplace bathroom is the handicap stall. Use it or you're a God damn fool. Some people will try to ram it in a nice young secretary using a normal stall, but that's just not gonna cut it. You need the extra room afforded by a handicap stall. Plus, those handlebars will give you something to grab onto when your blasting your way to paradise. And if you have The Diabetes like I do, when you're done you can easily check your blood sugar level. It's so simple it makes me sick.

As for cleanup? A real man doesn't clean up. I'm a real man, are you? You leave that damn mess on the ground to let everyone know what you did. Be proud of your seed, young fellow. My seed is powerful and I'm damn proud of it. Take it from me, if you want to be a real man, you eat yourself some Quaker Oats Oatmeal and go bang a God damn secretary in the bathroom. It's the Wilford Brimley way.


Best Regards,
Wilford Brimley




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Sunday, June 25, 2006

Why Wasn't I Invited to Nicole Kidman's Wedding?




Dear Nicole,

First of all, congrats on getting married, mate. You're a bloody good lookin' sheila, and I've always wished the best for you. It's nice to see that you're as happy as a croc eatin' a dingo on a summer's day in a walkabout not far from me home. Good for you.

But what gets me mad as a shonky drongo in a divvy van, is not being invited to your wedding. I know you're a big star and all, but don't forget that I made the highest grossing film in Australia's history. Or at least the highest grossing one that didn't involve kangaroo porn. Those filthy roos are always having a naughty. But I made three Croc Dundee movies without roo sex and they grossed quite a bundle. So, I'm quite surprised you didn't invite me. As far as the world is concerned, I am Australia.

I guess what I'm trying to say is - fuck you. Yep, that's about it. Oh, and don't be surprised if you're driving along in your Subaru Outback, which everyone in Australia should drive, and you see someone give you the finger. If your partner Keith Urban asks why you just got flipped off, you can tell him Paul Hogan sent him. Cheers, mate.


Paul Hogan



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Thursday, June 22, 2006

An Open Letter from Stan Van Gundy to Larry Brown




Dear Larry,

I just heard you got fired. Cheer up, little camper. It'll be okay. I know it must seem like the world is crashing down on you right now, but it's not. You're gonna pull through this one, chief. Take it from me, I know how it feels when a GM fires you and then takes over himself. Yeah, technically I quit. But technically Ron Jeremy is too fat to do porn and he still does. Wait, am I Ron Jeremy? Who cares. The point is, it will all work out in the end. Just like it did for Pat Riley and the Miami Heat this year. And I don't feel jealous at all. Not one bit. I had a brain aneurysm on Tuesday, but that's another story. Anyway, you just turn that frown upside down, k?

Do you need a hug? I'll give you a big hug if you want one. I have some tissues too if you need to cry. Just let it out, Larry. You'll get more work, I'm sure of it. It's not like you're an overrated "genius" who gets far more credit than you deserve because you're able to piss people off enough into playing well for two years before quitting on you and rushing you out of town. That's not you at all. You're a good guy. So buck up, little buddy. It'll get better.

And at least you know a reliable businessman and savvy NBA coach, the venerable Isiah Thomas, is taking over in your place.


Concerned,
Stan Van Gundy



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Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Dirk Nowitzki Explains How to Choke



Dear NBA fans,

Choking is a very wonderful thing. It's sad that people think of choking as such a negative thing. I love choking in big situations! It really helps eliminate the tension. More people should do it. I think Dwyane Wade should do it more.

Anyway, since so many of you are ignorant about it, let me explain how to choke like a master:


1. Gently place each hand on opposing sides of your wife or girlfriend's neck.
2. Wrap your hands around her neck and try to interlock your fingers, if possible.
3. Begin to lightly apply pressure
4. Start humming your favorite David Hasselhoff song. I prefer Looking For Freedom. This is a crucial step. You must hum a David Hasselhoff song. No other artist is as wonderfully talented as this great man.
5. Intensify the pressure, and start shaking your girlfriend/wife
6. Start cursing in German
7. Begin yelling German curse words while shaking your girlfriend/wife violently
8. Release your grip just as her eyes start widening. Curse again in German and walk away.


And that's how you choke. Don't let NBA writers tell you otherwise.


Best Regards,
Dirk Nowitzki


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Monday, June 19, 2006

Wilford Brimley Speaks Out About Hand Jobs




As many of you know, Wilford Brimley is a dear friend of the team over here at Please Do It Ms Hewitt. We think he's a really wise, albeit grumpy man who has much wisdom to impart to the masses. As such, we decided to give him a weekly column to vent about whatever the hell he'd like. Naturally, he chose relationships. Did you expect anything else?

So each Monday, Mr. Brimley will answer a question from you loyal readers out there with burning relationship questions, or questions about the burning sensation you're experiencing from a relationship. Just e-mail your queries to pleasedoitmshewitt@yahoo.com and Wilford will be sure to respond to the best ones. And we'll post a link to your blog if you have one.

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Dear Wilford,

Last week my boyfriend and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary with a really romantic dinner at The Olive Garden. Things started to get a little frisky, and...well...I reached under the table to give him a little hand-loving. To my surprise, he pushed my hand away. Thinking back on it, it's not the first time he's done something like that. What gives? Does he not like me choking his Kojak? Or was I being inappropriate by doing that at a fancy place like The Olive Garden? What should I do?

Distressed in Deluth



Dear Distressed,

You're a God damn disgrace to the female species. Take this to heart: no man likes getting a hand job because women do not know how to give a good one. I don’t know why because it’s so God damn easy. I’ve been with women that can do things that have been proven impossible by modern physics, but they still have no fucking idea how to choke my Ikari Warrior. Maybe that’s the problem, they think they have to choke the damn thing to death. Just because girls can fit both hands (with very very very very much room to spare) on my member, doesn’t mean that they have to strangle it like an attacking cobra. No woman should ever give a man a hand job. Ever.

But if, for some damn reason, you start gettin' intimate with a young fellow and you really want to play the "grabby-rubby" game, then this is how you should do it. It's a simple God damn process. I know because I'm Wilford Brimley, Lord of The Hand Jobs.

1. Grab lightly.
2. Move up and down at a moderate pace.
3. That's it.

How fucking hard is that? I could teach a retarded preschooler those steps and he’d…uh…I mean she’d probably be better at it than most college age women. I think the key problem is the speed. This is not the boyscouts; you’re not trying to start a fire down there. And here’s another tip, if you see smoke...please stop. Ever get a rug burn? Enough said.

If you don't believe me, then you can go to hell. I got The Diabetes, so I don't have time to put up with crap like this from you ignorant young people. But if you really want to prove me wrong, then you'll get your chance. Here’s my proposition: every girl in America should give me a hand job next week. Or at least the first 10 who respond to this. You can reach me at wilford_god_damn_brimley@yahoo.com. For your sake, and I guess for mine too, I hope you prove me wrong. But until you do, would you stop giving any God damn hand jobs? Thank you.


Best Regards,
Wilford Brimley




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Saturday, June 17, 2006

Beyonce Pledges To Get More Brazilian Waxes


Thanks to Philippa's Daily News Planet for the tip


New York, NY (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

At a recent dinner with "fans" at the famous Nobu 57 restaurant, Beyonce Knowles was surprised to learn that the fans dining with her were in fact members of PETA, as they had secretly won the recent eBay auction that had offered up a dinner with Ms. Knowles. PETA, not to be confused with the other PETA, confronted Ms. Knowles about wearing fur. After a brief questioning period, they were bootie shaken out of the restaurant and Ms. Knowles continued her dinner. Later, when questioned about her usage of fur, she had this apologetic response:

"I wholeheartedly apologize to all of my fans for my support of fur. I didn't know that PETA knew about my grooming habits downstairs, but apparently they have very strong cameras. While Jay-Z likes a little "somethin' to grab on to" when he's down there, I understand that having a nappy dugout is unethical. As a result, I've decided to get a Brazilian wax every week. This way, everyone will be happy and I can enjoy my overpriced, yet surprisingly low quality sushi in piece. Thank you."

Sources close to PETA indicate that they are happy that Ms. Knowles will adopt the "hardwood floor" grooming approach, but they really don't care as they were protesting her fur coat usage and support of fur in her clothing line, not her shaving habits. No official word from Jay-Z's camp, although sources close to the rapper/mogul indicate that he is saddened by the development and will need to buy some dental floss as he will no longer be able to floss after eating....dinner.


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Friday, June 16, 2006

Garfield 3 = Playboy. You Hear That Jennifer Love Hewitt?



Dear Ms. Hewitt,

I write to you today, once again with a heavy heart. Agent Bedhead alerted me to the fact that you've taken the moral high ground, proclaiming your right not to pose and what not. Can't you see the problems inherent in this? You see, this proclamation is a specious argument, as it only concerns your mindset at this particular point in time. You are ruling out the future, but do you really know the future? Maybe this guy does, but he channels a dark and mysterious power much like the kind Michael Rapaport uses to keep getting acting gigs. I doubt, however, that you can channel such power, so it is improper for you to claim such an absurd comment as "My naked body shouldn't have to be out there in the public." You don't know what you may want in 6 months or 5 years. The truth is, your naked body MUST be in the public. We demand it. I demand it. Michael Rapaport demands it. Stop your premature proclaiming and pose for Playboy already.

Look, Ms. Hewitt, with the filming of Garfield 2: A Tail of Two Kitties you're already 2/3 of the way to posing. By my estimation, the day you begin filming Garfield 3 will be the day you realize that your career has hit "Jim Belushi bottom" and must be resuscitated by drastic means. Drastic, naked means that is. And really, are you that far away from Garfield 3? I don't think so. Sure, the Ghost Whisperer is a mild hit now, but when it's finally put out to pasture, and it eventually will be, what else will you have to do? Nothing. And so you will embark on the filming of Garfield 3: Nice Pussy, Nice Pussy, and thus begin your ascent into Playboy.

So I urge you, Ms. Jennifer Love Hewitt, to make the right choice and show your breasts in Playboy. Don't waste our time with phony declarations of false self-righteousness. Just pose and get it over with now. Others have initially protested (Debbie Gibson comes to mind), but they all eventually caved. It's inevitable, so you're better off doing it before you start sagging. I don't think I could stand to see that travesty.


Best Regards,
A Concerned Fan


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Thursday, June 15, 2006

White Sox Employee Fired For Observing Unwritten Office Code

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Chicago, IL (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Larry Henderson, Chicago White Sox Payroll Manager, was fired on Thursday morning for punching Executive Assistant Tina Blathmeyer in the face in observance of the official White Sox Unwritten Code of Conduct. The Unwritten Code, written by onfield manager Ozzie Guillen, specifies that all employees must always defend "their guys" if they feel threatened by actions taken by the "opposing team." According to Mr. Henderson, Ms. Blathmeyer had forgotten to book a meeting that almost cost one of his team members a job. In his eyes, this was a direct violation of the Unwritten Code, and warranted an immediate fist to the noggin. Senior management, and the authorities, vehemently disagreed.

Although observance of the Unwritten Code was very costly for Mr. Henderson, it is not without precedent. For many years the Unwritten Code has existed in Major League Baseball, woven into the very fabric of the game. In one very recent example, White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen became visibly enraged when rookie pitcher Sean Tracey failed to observe the code and hit Hank Blalock. Mr. Henderson reportedly saw the incident and was inspired. Additionally, in the winter the White Sox had attempted to codify and disseminate the Unwritten Code throughout the non-baseball part of the organization, a first in Major League Baseball. Unfortunately, however, senior executives never officially approved the code before Mr. Henderson socked Ms. Blathmeyer a good one, and Mr. Henderson was fired.

After the event, Ms. Blathmeyer had some harsh words.

"What a fucking asshole! I forget one meeting and he punches me in the face? Who does that? I mean, maybe that type of behavior is tolerated at Wal-Mart, but this is the White Sox. Seriously, who does that?"

Senior Accountant Larry Blaffenguilder had a different opinion.

"C'mon, man, you have to let us police ourselves. She forgot a meeting and she gets nailed with a right hook to the jaw. So? Big fucking deal. Like she didn't deserve it. C'mon. Kids these days are spoiled. Typical woman."

No word from Mr. Henderson regarding his actions although sources indicate that he has no remorse and is proud to be a regional manager who drives a Dodge Stratus, and the Blathmeyer punching will never take that away from him. Sources close to the White Sox indicate that the team is working on revising the Code to eliminate face punching in favor of groin kicking and/or hair pulling.



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Wednesday, June 14, 2006

K-Fed Asks For Some Katrina Aid



Yo,

I heard me some news that Katrina aid was being put to good use. I gotta get on that shit! Porn? Bling? Yo, I'm all over that shit. That's my thing, man. Britney don't let me watch no porn anymore. Well, she don't let me watch none when I'm alone. We kick it though sometimes when she ain't feedin that kid we made.

So, uh, Mr. Government...can you send me some of that Katrina aid? Britney's from Louisiana, so that should count right? Yeah, I need me some of that aid. I'm K-Fed...and I deserve everything. Awwww yeah.


Cool,
K-Fed



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Tuesday, June 13, 2006

An Open Letter From Madonna to Britney Spears



Dear Britney,

It's time to throw down, bitch. Nobody, and I mean nobody rejects Kabbalah. I don't think you're ready to face the wrath of this Material Girl. I'm a Michigan girl, and we knows us some fighting. So you want to fight? You really want to fight? Well, if you want to throw down in fisticuffs I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary right here. Just come and get it.

How did things get to be like this? Remember when we were kissing and making music videos together? And now you leave me like this? Alone with just my Kabbalah and nothing else? I curse you. You are no longer my white trash protege. You are now just white trash. Baruch atah my ass.

I'm so upset. I think I'll go call Wilford Brimley for some solace. He won't leave me hanging like some little bitch. Why don't you go back to your home on whore island. Yeah, I said it. Deal.


Cursing You,
Madonna



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Monday, June 12, 2006

Exhausted Americans Happy That World Cup Is Providing Much Needed Naps

Gelsenkirchen, Germany (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

It's no secret that many Americans are overworked and overstressed. Many are also fat and lazy. While very little can be done about the latter (except exercise...but that takes effort), a new remedy has been discovered to provide much needed rest to those tired Americans. It's called The World Cup.

For years soccer, or futbol/football, has been boring Americans due to its slow pace, low scoring, and lack of scantily clad cheerleaders. As a result, every 4 years many Americans have routinely avoided watching World Cup sporting events. When given the choice between an NHL game and a World Cup soccer match, the NHL game was winning in the ratings, although that's not saying much. Choosing between watching those sports is comparable to deciding on whether to have a hamstring pull or a groin injury. It's inevitably painful and nobody really wins in the end.

However, this year, Americans have finally found a use for the World Cup: a cure for insomnia. The somnolent soccer event is providing Americans with a much needed source of sleep. Devoid of the distractions of an exciting basketball game, a tense tennis match, or even a rousing game of checkers between two 90 year old men, soccer is the perfect sport for the stressed American who just wants to sleep. Despite the hooting and hollering of drunken Europeans in American pubs, Americans are still able to fall asleep during The World cup due to its tremendous soporific effect. Even the players on the American World Cup team fell victim to the tranquilizing effect soccer, as they slept-walked through their first round loss to the Czech team.

No word from the rest of the world regarding the Americans' indifference to the beloved "no hands" sport. Although sources indicate the Euorpeans, South Americans, Aussies and all others were too drunk, at 8 AM in the morning wherever they live, to answer.



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Friday, June 09, 2006

An Apology from Lindsay Lohan to Al Gore






Dear Mr. Gore,

I'm sorry for whatever I did that is making you mad at me. When I heard on the Tonight Show that you think we're in a feud, I burst out into tears. You are, and always will be, the love of my life. I'm devastated that you no longer feel the same way.

Is it because of global warming? Do you blame me for that? I'll try to recycle more, honest! And I'll have you know, that my breast implants actually absorb carbon dioxide from the air, which actually REDUCES global warming. Bet you didn't know that. Well, it's true. Okay, maybe it's a lie, but I want it to be true. I want to right this great wrong that has caused you to hate me. I love you, Al. Can't you see that???

Is it my drinking and drug use? Or is it my general whoring around town? Wait...I know, it's the whole Wilmer Valderrama thing, isn't it? Look, cocaine is a helluva thing, and makes you do a lot of dumb things. I admit, that wasn't my high point. Neither was that film I did with the transvestite from Trading Places. But that's no reason to hate me, Al. Hate the game, not the playa'.

So...my beloved, please accept my wholehearted apology. I'm willing to do anything to get you back. I'd even kill a man. Or a woman. Or Teri Hatcher. You say the word, and I'll do it. Because I love you. And I can't stand to think that you're angry at me. Save the earth, man, but save me first.


Love,
Lindsay Lohan



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Thursday, June 08, 2006

Baseball Players Criticize Iraqi Informants for Throwing Abu Musab al-Zarqawi Under the Bus



Baghdad, Iraq (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

al Zarqawi: Here
Steroid Scandal: Here

Late Thursday morning, Major League Baseball players universally criticized Iraqi informants for "betraying the unwritten code" and throwing terrorist Abu Musab al-Zarqawi under the proverbial bus. For decades, Baseball players have spoken out against fellow teammates who have dared to go against the "fraternity" mentality to expose harmless things like cheating, drinking, drug use, and steroids. It started with Jim Bouton's Ball Four, and continued with Jose Canseco's revelations. Most recently, Jeff Nelson spoke out on Jason Grimsley's affidavit where he named fellow steroid users. To Nelson, cheating and breaking the law is nowhere near as bad as tattle-tailing. As one player put it, "I'll let the whole team treat my wife like Kobe Bryant treats Colorado women, but just don't tell anyone that I sometimes have a glass of wine to relax at night. That's inexcusable."

To baseball players, the Abu Musab al-Zarqawi situation was the ultimate betrayal. One anonymous player said, "You just don't go and throw someone under the bus like that. I don't care how many babies and civilians this guy has killed. It just ain't right to betray the unwritten code. Honor is clearly important for the Mob and Baseball players, but I guess not for Al-Qaeda."

Sources close to Jason Grimsley indicate that he regrets naming names, but would do it again in a heartbeat if he was once again presented with the potential for doing hard time in a jail cell with a 6'6" 280 lb guy named Teddy Bear.



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Tuesday, June 06, 2006

A Eulogy to the "5th Beatle" Billy Preston by Gary Coleman

Billy Preston, commonly known as the "5th Beatle" passed away yesterday. As we have in the past (#1, #2, #3), we turned to our diminutive friend Gary Coleman for a response. Read it and weep.




Whatchu Talkin' Bout 5th Beatle,

What part of Diff'rent Strokes didn't you understand? Was it too hard for you to accept that I played Arnold Jackson for 8 years? Did you really have to die because of it? I see the irony in your death. I was an international superstar on a hit sitcom and you were a 5th Beatle. Have you no shame? Have you no sense of decency? You have dishonored yourself and the Beatles with your passing. And thus we are saddened by your death.

Let me tell you three words, sir, that you will never forget even though you are dead. Arnold freaking Jackson. They should have had special meaning to you, but now you are dead so they mean nothing. Many will celebrate your accomplishments as a musician. I choose to celebrate myself, for I am truly the maestro who deserves praise. But you, being dead and therefore incapable of rational thought, will not understand this. Just as I will never understand Heather Mills McCartney's fixation with German porn, I will never comprehend why you have chosen to besmirch my honor with your coma and eventual death. She is the true 5th Beatle and you are one of my enemies. And thus I laugh at your position and mourn your death.

Clearly the world should be honoring me today, and I blame you for once again stealing my attention. There is no greater shame than depriving a man of his word, and you sir have done that with great gusto. Because of you, and because of my blinding insanity, nobody trusts me. They are the ones who are mistaken, for I was the greatest performer in the history of cinema. To ignore me is to ignore DNA, the sun, and talking vaginas. That's right, I said a nasty sentence. What are you going to do about it? I dare you to try something. Sadly, you will not. And so we mourn, and I shall avenge your death even if it costs me my own. Rejoice!


Sadly,
Gary Coleman


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Slayer, Pat Robertson Band Together to Decry Lack of Armageddon

Thanks to GiGi for the tip...


Flaming Pits of Hell, Underworld (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

When the clock struck 6:06 EDT on 06/06/06 and the world did not come to a screeching halt, a collective cheer could be heard emanating from many parts of the world. But two parties stayed noticeably silent: heavy metal band Slayer and intergalactic leg press champion Pat Robertson. Instead of cheering, the two banded together in the most unlikely of unions to decry the lack of an Armageddon.

Slayer, known for its praiseworthy depiction of Satan, had been gearing up for this day for 10 years. One fan site had even declared a National Day of Slayer in honor of the great occasion. With so much riding on the destruction of mankind, the band was understandably peeved when earth didn't blow up at 6:06, as without a true Armageddon, the band loses all credibility.

"This blows," said lead singer Tom Araya. "I mean, we talk about how powerful Satan is and how he's going to come for you, and now nothing happens on his greatest day. How can we ever be taken seriously again? Satan's a real dick. Maybe we'll sing about flowers or sunsets or something. I've lost the will to die. I really have."

Pat Robertson, noted religious nutjob, was distraught for a different reason. He really was hoping to see Jews and gays and blacks and members of the ACLU burn before his very eyes, without having to travel to South Carolina. Instead, nothing happened. Initial sadness turned to anger, then back to sadness, then to itchiness, then back to anger. It's then when he heard about Slayer's cause.

"I was just sitting in my house, playing on my X-box and quietly seething about this whole lack of Armageddon thing, when Jerry Falwell called and told me about Slayer. Now, normally I don't join together with commies, but a unique event called for a unique solution. I chugged some of my energy juice, leg pressed my Chevy Impala a few times, and then gave them a call. Surprisingly, they were receptive to me. I hate gay people. Sorry...just had to say that in case anyone forgot."

Sources close to both parties indicate that the union won't last long, as the pact will officially dissolve at the stroke of midnight on June 7. However, there are plans for a reunion tour next year, and sources close to the Slayer camp indicate that Robertson may open for them at Giant Stadium...if he's not busy leg pressing the tour bus.



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Monday, June 05, 2006

Heather McCartney Apologizes to Paul for German Porn



Dear Paul,

Hey...so I know we're splitting up and everything, but...uh...sorry about the whole German porn thing. I mean, on the bright side, at least he didn't take a dump on me, right? Right? That's pretty much standard in German scheise movies, so you know that I had standards when I did those pictures. High standards. Um...yeah.

Anywhoooo....I hope this doesn't ruin my chances to get half your money. I'd hate for that to happen. I'd be so despondent that...that...well...I don't know. I may even take my leg off and beat myself to death with it. It's not unheard of. Really, it's not. So...uh...please forgive me.

Okay...I guess I'll see you in court. And again, sorry for the German porn. My bad.

Sorta Love,
Heather Mills


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Original JLH petition


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Saturday, June 03, 2006

An Open Letter From Anna Nicole Smith to Jennifer Love Hewitt


Dear Ms. Hewitt,

You should pose for Playboy. I did and look what it did for me! I have no talent. None. Nada. Zip. Zilch. And I always sound like I'm on drugs. Maybe that's cuz I'm on drugs all the time. I don't care. I don't have to defend myself to nobody. Least of all you. Cuz I'm famous! I have no ability and yet here I am splashed all over newspapers simply because I'm pregnant. Why? Cuz I showed my boobies to Hef. I have big boobies! Like you do. And we both have three names. Hef would love you. He loves me because I showed him my boobies. Think of how famous you'd become if you posed. I'm famous and I have no talent. You have talent which means you'd become more famous than...than...a famous person! I have a headache. I need a pill.

So you should pose now before you get all old and wrinkly like that billionaire I used to do. He liked my boobies too. I'm rich now because of him! Almost. Whatever, I don't want to talk about it. I just want to spend money and drink alcohol! Yay! It's all thanks to TrimSpa, baby. Although you don't need to lose weight. You're fine the way you are. Wow, my head hurts. I need a pill.

Pose now!!

XOXOXOXOX,
Anna Nicole Smith




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Original JLH Petition


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Thursday, June 01, 2006

An Open Letter from Lindsay Lohan To Her Hypnotist



Dear Mr. Hypnotist,

I don't think our hypno-therapy is working. We started these sessions to help me end my shopping addiction, yet just the other day I went out and bought a DVD of the best of Step by Step. What the hell was that about? Yes, Patrick Duffy is the greatest actor in the history of cinema, but come on. Step by Step??? I think you made me worse, Doc. Right now, I feel a sudden urge to buy an autographed picture of Patrick Duffy on e-bay. And wait...I'm feeling the urge to buy the Dallas series on DVD. Wait a second...do you work for Patrick Duffy? Are you Patrick Duffy? I don't know, this is all too confusing. I don't feel so good. I want to go throw up...that always makes me feel better.

Do you know where I can get a Patrick Duffy bobble-head doll? Damn! I did it again. You know what? Our sessions our over. Thanks for nothing, Doc. I'm going to tell Nachos Rancheros about this. He'll get you. Just you see.


Lindsay Lohan



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Original JLH Petition


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