Friday, September 29, 2006

The Cosby Show Lost Episodes



The Cosby Show. Some call it the greatest show in the history of television. Others call it an egalitarian triumph of the American capitalistic system. Still others call it the show with the guy who had a son who got shot to death. Regardless of how it is described, one thing is certain - it will always be remembered as a landmark comedy that combined wit, pluck, Malcolm Jamaal-Warner, and irreverence to become a landmark sitcom that will forever stand the test of time, or at least for another 6 months.

However, few know about the show's dark side. The crack staff here at Please Do It Ms. Hewitt made a startling discovery over the weekend. While rummaging through Bill Cosby's trash looking for something to eat, we found a here-to-fore undiscovered set of scripts for The Cosby Show. These unpublished teleplays were startling in nature, possessing a dark and menacing tone never before seen on the amusing and family-friendly show. Liner notes on the script indicated that while writing the scripts Mr. Cosby was "hopped up on goofballs" and "high as a damn, fucking crazy-ass kite with wings like a dragon that flies in the night lighting villages on fire." One look at the scripts most certainly confirms those proclamations.

Why Mr. Cosby held onto the scripts for so long is unclear, as is his decision to suddenly discard them. However, just as we'll never understand why people find Dane Cook funny, we'll probably never fully comprehend Mr. Cosby's motivations. Nonetheless, it is our solemn duty to disseminate these scripts to you faithful readers. We have summarized them below. Please sound off on your thoughts.


The Rape Trial



In this depressing episode, a college-bound Theo is accused of rape by a girl in his high school graduating class. The family is stunned at the accusation, but rally in support of their lovable, if-not-slightly-brain-damaged son. Cliff promises free medical treatment, Clair offers her legal aid, and Denise has sex with the girl's father multiple times to get the accusing family to drop the charges. Hilarity ensues when Theo gets convicted and is sent to jail at a maximum security prison. After several of his own "life lessons" in jail, Theo is finally released. It turns out that Theo's friend Cockroach was a serial rapist (finally explaining his unexplained departure from the show) and was behind the offense. The family learns a valuable lesson about rape (everyone gets it in the end) and Rudy hysterically tells her friend Buuuuud never to rape her.


Sharing Needles




Vanessa, long considered the weakest of the Huxtable kids, gets a starring role in this landmark episode as she contracts HIV after sharing a needle with a junkie. Unsure of what to do in this situation, Cliff and Clair put Vanessa up for adoption, even though she's 16. In a particularly hysterical sequence, Rudy pretends to be Vanessa to convince the adoption people that she's young enough to be sent away. More hilarity ensues when Sondra and Elvin come to visit with their twins, and Vanessa sells one of them for money to pay for crack. Theo finally saves the day when he forcibly checks Vanessa into a rehab clinic and explains to her that even though she's going to die soon, Jesus will forgive her for sinning if she accepts His love. Vanessa eventually makes it out of rehab and returns home to wait for her eventual death.


The Secret Game



Rudy was the most beloved of all the Huxtable children...especially by her grandfather. In this shocking episode, Rudy admits to Cliff and Clair that she and Grandpa play "secret touching games" whenever he comes over. He would tell her stories about famous jazz musicians, eventually putting her to sleep. Then it would begin. Cliff confronts his father about the games and his father breaks down and admits his weakness. The real reason he wanted to raise boys had nothing to do with "continuing the Huxtable name." He simply didn't trust himself around little girls. Cliff banishes him from the household, creating a rift with his father that never mends. Clair and Cliff's relationship is never the same again, as she secretly blames him for his father's actions. Six months after the incident, in a thigh-slappingly funny turn of events, Grandpa Huxtable kills himself with a shotgun blast to the mouth. Despondent over what she had done, Rudy turns to a life of crime, despite being 7, and is also shot to death not long after. As in most episodes, The Huxtables learn a valuable lesson: if you have a secret game, keep it a secret or someone will die.



We're not sure about you, but we'll never look at Bill Cosby the same way again. And that's a good thing.


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Original JLH petition


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Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Five Rules To An Easy Yom Kippur Fast: By Mila Kunis



Hi everybody! You may know me as "that hot chick" on That 70s Show, or as the voice as Meg on Family Guy. I'm also something that a lot of you may not be aware of. No, I'm not infected with Hepatitis C. That's Steven Tyler and Pamela Anderson. My little secret is that I'm Jewish. Did you know that I was born in the Ukraine to Jewish parents? Yuppers. I'm as Jewish as Brad "Heavenly Giant" Garrett or Ben "I Have No Acting Talent Whatsoever" Stiller. They don't hold a candle to me when it comes to tribemanship. Member... of...the...motherfucking... tribe!!! :) :) Sorry about cursing, but they don't let me curse much on TV, so I need to get it out of my system every once in a while.

Okay, so to prove my Jew-tastic wisdom, I'm going to give you my advice on how to have an easy and meaningful fast for Yom Kippur. All you have to do is follow five simple steps. No more. No less. These five steps will help you get from sundown to sundown without seriously contemplating eating your own foot in starvation. And you may just learn something along the way. Yay!


Step 1: Have a huge pork chop and bacon strip dinner the night before (we call it Kol Nidre...but you can just call it "The Nightmare Before Yom Kippur"). You see, most Jews try to avoid highly non-kosher food items and end up not eating pig. Unfortunately, that's exactly the wrong strategy before fasting. It doesn't matter if you eat non-kosher food before Yom Kippur because you're getting all of your sins out the next day anyway. Might as well revel in it while you can! Also, eating a pound or two of pork and bacon the night before Yom Kippur will make you so disgusted and sick, that you will end up sleeping and throwing up the entire next day. You'll have no appetite and won't want to eat! See what I'm talking about? Yeah, it's magic. Ain't I smart?

Step 2: Don't let Kelso spoil things by being all hot and stuff. Ha ha, just kidding. Seriously, don't have sex with a significant other while fasting. It's not because you'll get tired, although that's true. You just don't want to ruin your day of reflection with a big disappointment. And if you're like me, sex is one big disappointment after another.

Step 3: Put little signs up in your pantry that say "Go back!" or "You're not hungry, bitch!" or "What would Mary-Kate Olsen do?" or "American Psycho II: All American Girl was a really underrated movie and should be rented at least once a month." This will help you to keep fasting, even when your willpower gets low

Step 4: Spend most of the day in temple. First of all, by being in temple you literally can't eat. Even Kelso could figure that out! But the other more important reason, is that spending so much time in temple will make you lose your appetite. There definitely comes a point where staring at such horrifically ugly floral outfits on old Jewish women makes you lose your appetite. It usually happens around hour 6, so stick around.

Step 5: Watch Family Guy more often. Duh!

L'shanah tovah, fans and friends. Have an easy fast, and try not to go and google me to see if I've done any nudity in my movies. For that matter, don't google Bea Arthur's vagina either. There's no amount of atoning that will fix that.

Respectfully Yours,
Mila Kunis


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Original JLH petition


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Sunday, September 24, 2006

Tara Reid to Sell Old Implants on E-Bay



To Whom it May Concern,

As many of you may know, I recently downgraded my famous implants. It was a sad day as I loved my enlarged boobies. They were big and bodacious and useful as a flotation device in case of plane crashes. Given that I have a big fear of flying, I really liked the enhanced functionality of my boobs. Wow, I just used the word functionality. That's probably the biggest word I've ever used. This is so cool. I'm smart! I'm going to go get drunk in honor of this new smartness.

Okay, I'm back. I'm a little tipsy now, so it's taking a lot of effort to type. Who am I kidding...it always takes a lot of effort to type words and make sentences, but now it's even harder. You could even say that my "functionality" has decreased from my drinking. Ha! I used that word again! That word-a-day calendar that Carson Daly gave me is really paying off now. Unfortunately, I only read the first page, so my...um...functionality is not that high. But at least I know one word! I think that deserves a celebration. I'm going to get a drink.

Whoa...I'm not feeling that good anwywamroe. Ha HAA HAAAaad, my typing fucnationality has, like, totally gone down. Okay...got to maintain. Maintain. Alright, I think I can dooo thisxz. Here we go. Ladies and gentleaman of the juryi, I would alike to offer you a great deal. I'm offering you the chance to buy my old implants. Let's not beat around my bush, I neeeed tha money. Money, money money! Money! I love that asong. It reminds me of money, which is what I need. I thought my tig ole' bitties (ha ha...get it?) were going to brung me some money, but nooooooooo. They just made me livestock. No...wait...a laughstock. Ha ha...that was one of those Freaky slips or whatever they're called. Anyway, the boobies didn't do it for me like I thought they would. In fact, I've now become a C-list celebrity. And I'm out to change that with my nwe smalaler boobarellas. But I knoaw that you dumb peopale out athere waill buy anything, so I'm gonndsa sell ya'l the old ones. Phew...that took a lot of work to write. I need to celebrate!

Wowaw. I'm atotally fucked up arighttae now. I'm 'gonwaa hurl'awe. Goatta wend thio'lks now. Bidddddding staratats ata 50 buckarooniessssss!!! Pay up and I'll fedddexec the old ones to yaou tomotmorrow. I neeeeeeeed the money. I'd charage for sex, abut I done'tei thinkalke thata would get me anything. Heeeee heee! Bye bi.

XXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO!!!!!
Tara Reid


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Original JLH petition


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Wednesday, September 20, 2006

A Thousand Different Ways to Be Totally Awesome


Dear World,

I released my third album yesterday, and I have to tell you, it's awesome. It's called A Thousand Different Ways and it's about life, happiness, respect, and overcoming my addiction to Advil. These past few years have been painful, but I've come a long way since my ibuprofen-popping days back in early 2004. The descent and subsequent resurrection I went through since then is reflected in the songs "Lonely No More" and "These Open Arms." "Everything I Have" is about my complex and subtle relationship with God. God, of course, being the name of my pet cat. She's everything in the world to me, especially because I'm completely asexual and have no interest in sex with any creature.

For those of you looking for good new music, you'll be upset because this album is all covers. The good news is that if you like good new music, then you're probably not one of my fans. I'm very grateful for the Clay Nation, and hope they continue to support me as I grow as a musician and magician. I hope to one day become the greatest magician in the world, but right now am content to just sing. Magic is part II of this act that I call life.

So go out and buy my album today. It's Awesome with a capital Clay. You'll never tire of it. Oh yeah...it's that tremendous. Tremendous with a capital Clay.


Tootles,
Clay Aiken


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Original JLH petition


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Monday, September 18, 2006

First Bionic Woman Gives Awful Handjobs


Source: Here

Chicago, IL (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

It's the stuff of science fiction: a prosthetic arm that can be moved just by thinking about it and that can feel heat and the pressure of a handshake. It became a reality for US Marine Claudia Mitchell two years after she lost her arm to a motorcycle. Unfortunately, the bionic arm spelled trouble for her relationship with her husband Lenny. On her first night back from the hospital, Ms. Mitchell repeatedly crushed her husband's penis while trying to give him rudimentary hand jobs. Lacking the dexterity of a normal arm, her bionic arm clenched with the crushing power of a crocodile's bite, obliterating her poor husband's man-shaft. He was rushed to the hospital, where he is recovering now.

Sources close to Ms. Mitchell indicate she is absolutely crushed by what happened. Not as crushed as her husband's penis, but still quite crushed nonetheless. Since high school she had always been a maestro at the forbidden art of the manual stroke job. But after losing her arm, she thought her strokey-strokey days were over. However, upon receiving her new bionic arm, she had renewed hope. Unfortunately that hope was squashed like her husband's urethra.

Despite the dire situation for Lenny's crotchal region, there is hope for the depressed couple. Dr. Todd Kuiken, who developed the technology as director of the Neural Engineering Center for Bionic Medicine, may just have a solution. "I think we can save Lenny's dong. Well, save is not really the right word. More accurately, I want to rebuild it. That's right, I want to give Lenny a bionic penis. The whole reason I invented this technology was to one day create a bionic penis. Now I have the opportunity to live out my life's dream and create a robo-dick. Science will never be the same."

No word yet from Lenny, as he remains in serious condition. Sources close to the injured husband indicate that he is looking forward to getting a bionic penis, and really hopes it will make the "eh-eh-eh-eh-eh" bionic sound everytime he uses it.



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Original JLH petition


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Thursday, September 14, 2006

Wilford Brimley Speaks Out About Whitney and Bobby



Dear America and Sometimes God Damn Canada,

I begin today's pissed off comment on a sad God damn note. Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown have separated. Take a God damn minute and think about that. Has it settled in yet? No? Well it hasn't for me either. I been a part of this relationship thing my whole life, and they had the best God damn relationship I ever saw. It don't make no sense to me that they broke up. Seeing them apart is like tellin' me that The Diabetes ain't important or that Quaker Oats oatmeal tastes like Quaker State motor oil - it just ain't natural. Whitney and Bobby belong together. I should know as I introduced them.

A lot of people don't know this, but I was a big God damn influence on New Edition back in the day. Hell, their song Candy Girl is actually about me. When they sing the lines "Candy girl/you are my world/you look so sweet/you're a special treat", they're actually talking about my prostate. Big fans of the prostate, they were. I had to talk them outta naming their group The Prostates, as I thought it was a God damn stupid name. Thankfully, they listened to me and used New Edition. The point is, I was tight with the group, and developed a special bond with Bobby.

One time I threw a hell of a God damn party at my ranch, and I invited Bobby to join us. I also invited this cute little youngin' named Whitney. I introduced them, smoked some God damn crack with them, and the rest is God damn history. Unfortunately, the two of them kept at the crack thing for a bit too long. Crack ain't really a bad thing if done in moderation. You see, I don't get addicted because I just give my body a stern talkin' to if I start feeling crack withdrawal, and it knows best to stop shakin'. Whitney wasn't as lucky, and now she's in a hell of a mess. I gotta tell ya', I'm disappointed as I really thought those two were meant for each other.

You see, I got into this whole God damn life coach business to help poor sacks of shit like Bobby and Whitney. They need my help, and God damnit I'm going to give it to them. But I can't give no help when they go and split up like this. It's a quitters way out. Did I quit on life when I got The Diabetes? No, I got stronger. Did I quit when This Old House was canceled? No. Did I quit on my marriage after I became intimately involved with Bea Arthur's Vagina? No, it just made sex a bit awkward. My point is that Whitney and Bobby are acting like quitters and it just makes me sad as all hell. And when I get sad, I get pissed off. And when I get pissed off, heads roll.

So if you value your life, Ms. Houston and Mr. Brown, you better get back together. Or your gonna have to answer to me. And I ain't in the mood.


Pissed Off,
Wilford Brimley


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Original JLH petition


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Monday, September 11, 2006

Magilla Gorilla: I Agree With PETA About Steve Irwin


Dear World,

First of all, let me express my deepest condolences about Steve Irwin. It's always tragic when somebody dies early, especially a father, husband, and friend. That being said, I won't mourn his death. In fact, I may silently cheer. He was no friend of my people. PETA was right when they said, "It comes as no shock at all that Steve Irwin should die provoking a dangerous animal. He made a career out of antagonizing frightened wild animals, which is a very dangerous message to send to kids.". Many of you watched his antics and laughed. But you didn't know how we animals felt. He violated us on a daily basis both on and off camera. You may not know this, but Steve Irwin raped me.

I don't ask for much in this world. All I want is to be sold from Mr. Peebles pet shop. Sadly, this dream has been fulfilled and then taken away from me on a weekly basis. But instead of consoling me, like a true animal lover would, Steve Irwin taunted me with bananas and then wrestled me to the ground like one of his crocs. I won't tell you what he did with the bananas once we were on the ground. But let's just say I felt a special bond with the prisoners of Oz (Mr. Peebles had HBO, and would let me watch some of the original programming. I really like Deadwood, but feel annoyed watching Curb Your Enthusiasm. Is it just me, or is Larry David, a bald asshole?).

Anyway, I'm very sorry for Steve Irwin's family, but I'm sure the animal community shares my lack of obvious concern. He was a menace to my people, much like Arliss was a menace to HBO's original programming lineup.


Yours Truly,
Magilla Gorilla


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Original JLH petition


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Friday, September 08, 2006

Britney Spears Sees Her Future


Source: Here

Beijing, China (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Britney Spears had a rare opportunity to look into her future on Friday, when Ya-Ya, a mother panda in China, dropped its young child and crushed it to death. The sleep deprived panda, who had just completed a week-long bamboo bender, "appeared tired" when nursing its younger cub in a patch of grass. Her head sagged, her paws separated and her baby fell to the ground next to her. The panda then rolled on to her side and crushed her baby beneath her. At the same moment across the world, Britney Spears felt a ripple in the fabric of time and saw her future unfold before her.

Like Ya-Ya, Ms. Spears is a mother of roughly two offspring and weighs close to a metric ton. Ms. Spears also possesses a roughly equivalent level of literacy to that of a panda, and has displayed a similarly suspect choice in mates (Ya-Ya's mate also had corn rows). Most importantly, like Ya-Ya Ms. Spears is very likely to kill one of her children. Unlike the Panda, however, Ms. Spears probably would not wail and be inconsolable if one of her children died. More likely she'd just get pregnant again.

Sources close to the singer/actress/semen depository indicated that Ms. Spears has invested in many sturdy helmets for her new child-to-be. The same sources indicate that K-Fed is planning on wearing some of those helmets when he rides on the short bus to the studio to record his rap albums. No word yet from Ya-Ya the panda, although that's probably because she's a bear.



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Original JLH petition


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Thursday, September 07, 2006

Kobe: Trust Me, I Know How to Fix Team USA



Team USA just came back from a disgraceful showing at the FIBA semifinals. Just flat out shameful. More shameful than Kazaam. More shameful than Paris Hilton's DUI. Even more shameful than Alyssa Milano's hairy arms. Losing to Greece, despite having Wade, Lebron, Carmelo, Chris Bosh, and the spirit of Dwayne Schintzius' mullet was the biggest embarrassment in the history of the sport of basketball. Commentators can say what they want, but it's all because of one thing: lack of chemistry. And by chemistry I mean me.

What team USA needs is my great chemistry. Even though I'm known as a selfish, brooding egotist, I'm actually a great team player. Quite possibly, I have single-handedly become the greatest team player in all of the NBA. Sometimes I'm such a good team player, that I don't even need the rest of the team. We win because of my special gift for inspiring my teammates to rally around my singular greatness. That's pure chemistry, if you ask me (do you really need to ask anyone else?).

Seriously, ask anyone about the chemistry I bring to teams, and I guarantee they'll say, "Oh yeah, Kobe's alllll about chemistry." They'll also probably smile, shake their head and chuckle when they say it, because they too are infected with my rare gift for bringing chemistry to team situations. That's why Team USA needs me so badly. They need me to come in and show them how chemistry works. They need to just give me the ball and let me display my chemistry talents as I drive to the basket or shoot a three out of a triple-team. You can't spell "chemistry of team sports like basketball" without a K-O-B-E.

So, cheer up Team USA. You just need some chemistry to win, and I'm going to bring it to you...whether you like it or not.

Rapingly Yours,
Kobe Bryant


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Original JLH petition


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Tuesday, September 05, 2006

I'd Eat Britney's....Food



Somebody just paid more than $500 for Britney Spears' half-eaten egg salad sandwich. Big fucking deal. The same sale also came with a corn dog that was supposedly mostly eaten by K-Fed, but that Britney also took a chomp out of. Wowsers. Britney's half-devoured food is worth half a grand? Tell me something I don't know. I would have paid $5,000 dollars for it. It's not because I like Britney. I just love egg salad and corn dogs.

One time, while on the set of Everybody Loves Raymond (I won an Emmy for that show. Did you know that? I did. Really. I can act. I have severe gigantism and I can act. Little known fact.), I ate 10 corn dogs in 20 minutes. I didn't even chew. Just swallowed those things whole like a cartoon cat eating a fish. Just one gulp and they were down inside my monstrously disproportionate body. And I washed them all down with a milkshake made solely of egg salad and milk. Sound good? It's great. That's why I'd bid for Britney's food. I don't care if she ate them or didn't eat them or what. I just want to eat egg salad and corn dogs all day. Cuz I need lots of sustenance. Remember, I'm a giant among men.

So, next time you see an egg salad and corn dog combination bid for on E-bay, think of Brad Garrett. I'm a charitable man, and an egg salad and corn dog fanatic. Weird? Perhaps. But so is the popularity of Kevin Costner, and we don't question that.

Eatingly Yours,
Brad Garrett


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Original JLH petition


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Monday, September 04, 2006

I'm Back, Baby!

Fans and Friends,

Apologies for the lack of posting (yes, I'm arrogant enough to apologize to people I've never seen before for not writing on a satire site). My move to Boston is complete, and I am settled in at HBS, so the posting shall return with a vengeance.

Let the funny begin.

-Concerned Fan
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