Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Bob Barker to Neuter Self On Final Episode of Price is Right



Source: Here

Los Angeles, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Bob Barker, affable and decaying host of Price is Right, has finally decided to retire after 50 years on television, the last 35 of which with "Price." To punctuate his final day on the air, Mr. Barker plans to perform an on-air neutering on himself. For many years, the lovable and sexually aggressive host has urged people to spay and neuter their pets, ending every show with the same line, "Help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered." According to sources close to Mr. Barker, the elderly TV host believes it's only fair if he finally went through with the same procedure.

"Bob's always been a fan of leadership by example," said a long-time friend who preferred to remain anonymous. "I remember when he gave me marital advice. He didn't just give me constructive criticism or tips on how to please my wife. He rolled up his sleeves and dove in there on my wife's baby-hole. I learned so much from watching him, and it really helped me find a new wife after my wife left me for Bob. That's what leadership is about."

The subject of spaying and neutering has always been important to Mr. Barker, although not for the reason most suspect. While he urges people to control the pet population, his real motives are a bit more sinister. He just loves cutting into cat and dog genitalia. Sources close to the vile host indicate that his foundation is just a front to support Mr. Barker's pathological addiction to animal genital mutilation. According to these same sources, it's no surprise the old geezer has finally turned his attention on his own genitals. It was only a matter of time.

No word yet from CBS, but sources within the studio have hinted that the network is a bit uneasy about the planned neutering. As one source put it, "I'm not really worried about the genital cutting...it's Bob's balls I don't want to see. They're like wrinkled grapefruits. That's no fun. No fun at all."


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Friday, October 27, 2006

Michael J. Fox Shakes Finger, Whole Body In Anger At Rush Limbaugh



Dear Rush,

I'm shaking with anger now. Just shaking all over the place. Shaking like an epileptic during a Mary Hart telethon. Shaking like A-Rod during a big game moment. Shaking like, well, like me. How could you accuse me of faking my ailment for the sake of politics? You sir, are a horrible man. I shake because I am sick, and I'm sick because I shake. There is no act. I don't go home and build semiconductors and conduct heart surgery. I go home and mix martinis for James bond. To mock what I suffer from is just plain petty. And pathetic. And putrid. And plain mean. You should be ashamed.

Some things in life are just sacred, you know? My disease is one of those things. You know what's not? Your mom's vagina. Yeah, I just took it there. I can shake it, but can you take it? If you're enough of a man (I heard about those Viagra pills), maybe you'd be willing to settle this mano-a-mano. Just you, me, and Tina Yothers behind the schoolyard after 3. We're gonna make you pay, bitch.

Hatingly Yours,
Michael J. Fox


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Frank Stallone and Italian Prostitute to Reschedule Wedding Date



Italy (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

The recent announcement by Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes of a November 18th wedding in Italy has already resulted in some unintended negative consequences. Frank Stallone, brother of the legendary star of Rocky, Rambo, Cobra, and The Party at Kitty and Stud's, has had to cancel his long-anticipated wedding to Italian prostitute Bella. Younger brother of the more famouser and bestest actor in the world Sylvester, Frank Stallone has struggled to gain credibility as an actor. Lacking talent, looks, diction, and other skills common among actors and sentient beings, Frank has barely eked out a living in Hollywood. As such, it was only natural that he would end up marrying an Italian prostitute.

Mr. Stallone was looking forward to a simple, anonymous wedding followed by a night of paid sex. When he heard about the impending Cruise-Holmes wedding, he knew those desires instantly went up in smoke like his career. Sources indicate that seconds after the wedding announcement, legions of hardcore scientologists instant messaged Frank at his AOL screenname (Ineedacareer123) demanding that he change his wedding date. With a heavy heart, and mild confusion over why anyone would care when he marries an Italian prostitute, Frank changed the date.

No word yet when the new wedding date will be, but sources indicate that it could be as late as January or never.


Ed note: Apologies once again for the lack of posting. I have not abandoned the site! Keep checking back as posting frequency should improve...


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Monday, October 16, 2006

Hey Jennifer Love Hewitt, It's Time To Throw Down



Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt,

Long time no speak. It's been a while since I've addressed the issue about which I am most passionate in all of life - seeing your breasts in an issue of Playboy. Some may call that a sad life's calling. I respectfully disagree. I think your sweater monkeys are worthy of my life's ambition. You see, I am unafraid to embrace seemingly trivial objectives if I truly believe their essence is noble. And I challenge anyone to argue against the concept of your exposed fun bags as the most noble of all objects in the cosmos.

Yet, when it comes to showing your hallowed half-moons to a world who so desperately craves them, you falter. Why is this? Why do you pose for American Way magazine, but not for Playboy? Along with Stuff!, Parade, and The New Yorker, American Way magazine represents the lowest form of the written word. A step-up from stereo instructions, American Way magazine is the preferred reading material for blind illiterate people with severe learning disabilities. Reading an article in American Way magazine is like listening to a llama or Jeff Goldblum recite erotic poetry. And you conduct an interview with them? I would chastise you, but I'm too busy gently sobbing. Once again one of your career choices has baffled me.

Although I do take solace in one thing. How good can your career be right now if you are indeed doing interviews for American Way magazine? If things continue along this path you may even end up in a spread for Penthouse or Hustler or Vanity Fair. While I don't really wish for that to happen, it's still better than the Horse Whisperer. Seriously, I've had colonoscopies better than that show. I'm sure Katie Couric has too.

Nonetheless, my point remains the same: it is time for you to disrobe. Please do not waste your considerable talents, both of them, on such drivel as American Way magazine. You owe it to your fans, yourself, and most importantly - me. I urge you, Ms. Hewitt, to make the right choice.

Best Regards,
A Concerned Fan



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Sunday, October 15, 2006

Steve Lyons: Don't Beieve That Lying Mexican, I'm Not Racist



Dear Baseball Fans,

Lou Pinella is an asshole. I say one little comment on the air about him being a dirty Mexican who only wants to steal my wallet and he completely flips out. I'm not surprised, because, I mean, he has Mexican heritage and all. But come on. Can't you take a little joke?

When I was a player, my nickname was Psycho. What was your nickname, Lou? Was it "The Overreacting Mexican Heritage Guy?" Sure, that's a bit of a mouthful but it's true. Or maybe it was Lou Pinella - Big Time Douchebag. Either way, it's an apt description.

Look, I don't claim to a tolerant person. I've started more than a few race riots and I once killed a Panamanian farmer for looking at me the wrong way. But my comments on the air the other day? Gee whiz, they were harmless. I'm sorry that you got your Mexican heritage panties all in a bunch because of them, but they were innocent. And now I'm out of the job. Thanks, Lou. Or maybe I should say, Grassy-ass. Or you gonna get me fired for that too?

Asshole.

-Steve Lyons


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Friday, October 06, 2006

Eva Longoria Dating Yao Ming



San Antonio, TX (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Eva Longoria, star of the ABC shit-com Desperate Housewives, has found a new lover to replace former boyfriend and NBA sorta-superstar Tony Parker. That new lover is Yao Ming, the diminutive 7'5" center for the Houston Rockets. Longoria, who recently entered splitsville with Parker, had previously expressed an affection for Chinese men, calling them "awesome in bed" and "tremendous lovers" and "really good at math and all that kung fu stuff that I watch on TV on the weekends." In short, she's got a fever, and the only prescription is more Ming.

Repeated requests for comments from the Brad Garrett-sized center have fallen on deaf ears, as Mr. Ming continues to remain silent on his burgeoning relationship with Ms. Longoria. He did, however, hint at something inappropriate when he gave the international shocker sign. Ming has yet to be linked to any celebrities, while Longoria has been linked to everyone from ex-*NSYNC member JC Chasez to Bobcat Goldthwait to Bea Arthur's Vagina. Recently she's focused exclusively on NBA players, including a clandestine stint with Jack Sikma. Sources close to the latina hottie indicate that her recent fixation on the NBA stems from her deep-rooted love of balls. Basketballs.

No word yet from Parker, but sources indicate that he misses Longoria and wants to get back together, at the very least for a threesome with one of his new blonde, slutty groupies. Can you blame him?


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Thursday, October 05, 2006

Kathy Bates To George Clooney: You Can Date Me Any Day



Oh Georgie...

You're too funny. That whole jazz about "debunking photographs in magazines" by spending "every single night for three months going out with a different famous actress" is a wonderful idea. I love it. Please use me as one of those actresses. You may even get lucky! You neeeeeeed some Kathy Bates' lovin. Everybody does. Even Bea Arthur's Vagina.

Here's why I'm a great choice: nobody would ever suspect it! If we start canoodling in public, the papa-nazis will go nuts! Speaking of nuts, I'm into yours, hun. Just say the word and I'll canoodle them. Don't know if that's a verb, but I'm Kathy Bates, so I can make up words if I want to. Trust me, you want that to be a verb!

Here's another reason why I'm a great choice: I was in Titanic. Being in the highest grossing movie of all time (surviving the sinking, mind you), gives you a ton of street cred. One picture with me and you'll instantly vault back into your former role as sexiest man in America. Now you're just sexiest ex-cast member of The Facts of Life, which is not great. Okay, you're the 2nd Sexiest...there's no competing with Natalie. Nonetheless, you see what I'm getting at? Just a little Kathy Bates canoodling and you're back on the path to glory!

Here's the final reason why I'm a great choice: I need manflesh right now. I don't care if you're just pretending to spend the night with these women, I desperately crave some type of male companionship right now. Please let it be you. Kathy Bates hungry. Kathy Bates need manflesh!


Talk to you soon, hun.

-Kathy Bates


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Monday, October 02, 2006

Erasing 5700 Years Of Culture With One Frappuccino®



It's official. I'm corporate swine. After 28 years, two corporate jobs, one Harvard business school acceptance and 1 half-dozen button-down blue-shirts I still had my morals. I gave money for environmental causes, wrote and performed anti-establishment/anti-celebrity comedy, helped old ladies cross the street...at least most of the way, didn't vote for Representative Foley, and most importantly - valued my family and faith over all else (except sex). Well, that was destroyed in one fell swoop tonight when I broke my Yom Kippur fast at the local Starbucks.

Some people have bagels and lox - I had an M&M cookie. Some drink Orange juice and water - I had a White Chocolate Mocha Frappuccino® Blended Coffee. Some relish in the camaraderie and inclusiveness of a night with family and friends - I enjoyed the company of a local homeless woman named "Julie" who comes in every day to get a free cup of water. Potato - Po-latte.

I used to be a nice little Jewish boy who went to temple at least once a week or year. But now I'm just a corporate shill, drinking the caffeine-laced Kool-Aid and shunning my religion in favor of a standardized corporate product harvested on the backs of exploited workers. I've traveled a sad descent into the ugly world of globalization, officially entrenching myself in the Military-Industrial Complex. A sad descent, indeed.

But you know what? I'm okay with my fate, because that was a damn good cup of coffee. Seriously, it felt so good when that friggin' Frappuccino® hit my lips. And upon further reflection, I'm not only okay with my fate, but I welcome it and encourage others to share in my transition. Embrace the inner corporate swine within yourself. Don't call your mother and tell her you miss her - go out and buy something for yourself at the GAP. Don't help out at a soup kitchen - buy some Nike products. And most importantly, don't subscribe to any religion - worship at the altar that is Starbucks. You know you want it.


-Concerned Fan

Jennifer Love Hewitt content returns tomorrow.

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