Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving From Lorenzo Lamas


Dear America,

Happy Thanksgiving! I am Lorenzo Lamas, America's official Thanksgiving representative three years running. It is my distinct pleasure to welcome in the holiday for you, to you, and most importantly - with you. Let us celebrate together.

First, a small prayer. Dear Lord Almighty, savior of my people and creator of the hit TV show Charmed, I ask of you to bless this great land called America on this most blessed of all secular holidays. I ask for you to watch over us as we consume great quantities of food, drink heartily, insult our relatives, and drive drunk on the roads. Please keep our bellies full, our hearts pure, and our latin love-sticks caliente! And let us say, Amen.

And with this prayer under our belt, it's time for the celebrating to begin. As the official Thanksgiving representative me and my superior pectoral muscles are proud to usher in this weekend full of fun, mayhem, and maybe even a little nookie. Well, I'll certainly get action, but that's because I am Lorenzo Lamas - manstud extraordinaire. Perhaps my studliness will rub off on you. Then you too shall enjoy Thanksgiving as it is meant to be spent - on top of a beautiful woman.


With Love,
Lorenzo Lamas


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Monday, November 20, 2006

Michael Richards - I Love All Black People And Chinks Too


Dear Black People,

I love you very much. Contrary to popular opinion, I'm not a racist. I love all black people, and all their black things like watermelons and fried chicken. How could I be a racist when I love KFC? You may not know this, but I wrote several Seinfeld episodes to be performed in blackface. They didn't perform them, but obviously I wouldn't have written those scenes if I didn't love black people.

Look, this whole "n" word controversy is so blown out of proportion. Let me tell you, there isn't a person on earth who loves black people more! I love to talk with them, have sex with them, and even consume them as part of a six course meal. I love them that much! I just want to eat them up!

You know who else I love? Chinks, or Chinamen as you may know them. They're so cuddly and Asian. I once had sex with a beautiful Asian women and instantly got better at math. It's true. Genital to genital contact with an Asian person increases your math and science skills. I urge you to do it today. I will...right after I finish writing a love note to all the black people on earth.

So I hope you all understand that I'm not a racist. I really do love black people and chinks. You should too. They're awesome.


Best Regards,
Michael Richards


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Wednesday, November 15, 2006

The Sexiest Man Alive Is Steve Buscemi, Not That George Clooney Character



Dear People Magazine,

I believe you are mistaken and you owe me an apology. You recently voted George Clooney as the sexiest man alive for the 2nd time. I consider this an outrage of the highest degree, and I am not one who outrages easy, like...oh...I don't know...Faith Hill. I am normally very calm and collected. But after seeing George Clooney atop your list once again, I damn near crapped my pants.

What does George Clooney have that I don't? Besides charisma? Sure, he has "rugged good looks" and I have "jagged facial features," but that's no excuse. Okay, so he has "soul-searching, baby-dog" eyes, and I have "eyes like a rapist," but is that so important? Maybe he has a "gigantic man-thing" between his legs and I have "concave genitalia," but I don't think that's a big deal. Basically, I'm the totally epitome of all that is sexy in the world, and George Clooney is just an undersized Brad Garrett. Trust me, you don't want that.

So I beg of you, People Magazine, please reconsider your rankings. Put me number one and right this historical injustice. If you haven't figured it out, I really need to get laid and this is the only thing that will help. Seriously, Bea Arthur's Vagina is getting stale. I need some new booty.


Hugs and Kisses,
Steve Buscemi

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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Britney Spears Divorces Sperm Donor



Los Angeles, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Britney Spears, mother of two and white-trash idol to millions, has filed for divorce from husband Kevin Federline, citing both irreconcilable differences and Federline's SPS (small penis syndrome). The couple had been married since 2004, when Ms. Spears apparently lost her sanity.

Throughout their rocky tenure as wife and wife's bitch, the celebrity couple endured a particularly harsh beating from the media. One magazine referred to the couple as "a bunch of godless Sodomites" while another called them "a worse pairing than Brad Garrett and any clothing not freakishly sized." Federline, to his credit, was fertile and did produce two functioning human beings. Aside from that talent, however, he contributed little to the marriage.

Spears first revealed her divorce in a subtle way, appearing on David Letterman last night without her wedding ring. She was less subtle later on in the evening when she was found dry humping an assistant producer. Sources close to the singer-turned-slut indicate that she's happy to finally be free of the man affectionately known as K-Fed. K-Fed, which is also the Navajo word for douchebag, has yet to comment on the incident, but sources close to the noted sperm donor indicate that he and his sperm are ready to give it one more shot if Britney is willing to reconsider. He's also available for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs if you're interested.

No word yet from Jessica Simpson or Christina Aguilera, but friends close to the singers say that they are rejoicing in Britney's divorce...if only because they are evil witches who lack souls.


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Monday, November 06, 2006

Neil Patrick Harris To Release Gay Sex Tape



Los Angeles, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Neil Patrick Harris, who recently outed himself as a proud gay man, is planning to release a gay sex tape in late November to prove his total gayness. Harris, who in the early 1990s played the lovable abortion-giving doctor Doogie Howser, has become somewhat of a cultural icon in recent years with his urinate-in-your-trowsers-funny cameo in Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle. In this now famous cameo, Harris does illegal drugs and shamefully cavorts indecently with members of the opposite sex. Although the scene was poop-in-your-sock funny, sources indicate that Harris now regrets it.

According to one source, "Neil was all set to come out of the closet a few years ago and tell the world that he had been happily dating Tom Cruise, but then he needed money to eat so he did the scene in Harold and Kumar. Even worse, Tom hooked up with Katie Holmes and ended his relationship with Neil. Well, not really, but at least he "officially" did. Anyway, he knew that he couldn't out himself yet. Or at least not until the world found out that Suri Cruise was adopted."

For Harris, who ignored repeated requests for an exclusive Please Do It Ms. Hewitt interview, a gay sex tape was the only way to truly prove to the world that he was of the homosexual variety. It's one thing to say you're gay, and it's another to get videotaped doing it with a large black man named Lenny. Mr. Harris opted for the latter.

No word yet on who will star in the movie, but sources close to the male-enjoying former child star indicate that it could be Dustin Diamond or Mario Lopez.


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Friday, November 03, 2006

I'll Show You What A Real Anti-Semite Is



Dear Gawker,

You think Fake Jew over at Not Chosen, Just Posin' is an anti-semite? Ha...that's pretty funny. He's not even close to the anti-semite that I am. The problem is you're confusing ignorance with hatred. NC is ignorant of Jews. I hate them. He makes little jokes about "heebs" and other such things. I changed planets JUST to kill Jews. Simply putting him in the same league with me, or Mel Gibson, or Todd Bridges is offensive to me as an anti-semite. You see, I don't even capitalize the s in semite. That's how much I hate Jewish people.

I didn't always hate "the tribesmen." Melmac, my home planet, used to be filled with Jewish ALFs. Lots of them (they were the REALLY hairy ones). My ex-girlfriend was Jewish, which did explain why she hated giving me ALF-jobs (that's what we called BJs on Melmac). Heck, my name is Gordon Shumway! Seriously, for the first 100 years of my life I loved Jewish people as much as black people love this couple. But then it happened.

On what I like to refer to as Black Monday, the Jewish community on Melmac declared cats to be Kosher and therefore off-limits for consumption. As Melmac is a very politically correct society, the politicians jumped on board with this proposal and banned cats from being served everywhere. Well...that did it for me. Preventing me from eating cats is like taking any food away from Kelly Clarkson - a terrible idea with dangerous ramifications. From that day forward, I was determined to destroy all Jews.

Unfortunately, nobody else on Melmac joined my cause and I had to flee to Earth. It's here I found brotherhood with other anti-semites like Orville Redenbacher and Judith Lite. They helped show me the way and together we are planning for the eventual destruction of the Jewish people. This, my dear Gawker, is real anti-semitism. Not Chosen is not in the same class. Not in the same league. Not in the same Mel Gibson movie! To imply otherwise offends me, the all-knowing ALF. I demand an apology.

Good day.

-ALF

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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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