Friday, December 29, 2006

Paris Hilton To Host Saddam Hussein Execution After-Party



Los Angeles, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Paris Hilton, noted socialite and world-renowned mattress tester, has announced that she will host the biggest, grandest, and most morally reprehensible Saddam Hussein execution after-party ever held. The party will commence immediately after he is officially declared dead with a celebratory shot in her palatial apartment. Drinks will continue afterwards at a variety of Hollywood hot spots.

The execution after-party has long been a Hollywood tradition, beginning after the Nuremberg trials, continuing straight through the Vietnam war, and peaking during the Cambodian Khmer Rouge rebellion when executions happened daily. In the past, luminaries such as Milton Berle, Bob Hope, Dick Van Patten, and Margot "I Once Ate My Own Hair" Kidder have hosted the wild execution-themed bashes. Ms. Hilton, however, has promised to top them all.

Speaking through a publicist, the blond sexpot said, "I've never heard of this Iraq place that everyone keeps talking about, but I think that we definitely should have gone to war or something. That's why we should celebrate when that Hussmayne guy gets killed. It'll be so hot." She later added, "I'm a whore."

Many celebrities - including George Clooney, Matt Damon, and Lacey Chabert - have indicated that they will not attend in protest. But Jim Belushi will be there. As will Ms. Hilton's newfound friend, Britney Spears, who plans to get drunk and throw up on someone, just like she does every day. Said one source close to the fake-boobed, panty-less, white-trash, talentless hack, "Britney is delighted to be attending the Hussein execution after-party and promises to give 10,000 dollars to charity for each shot she takes." Charities are already lining up to cash in on the expected windfall.

Hussein, whose execution is imminent, has yet to comment on the party, but sources close to the former dictator indicate that he's excited by the prospect that his death will lead to great things such as this party. Sources also indicate that he's happy his war crimes and attempts at genocide have finally led to something that will make people happy.


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Thursday, December 28, 2006

A Very Special Gerald Ford Eulogy by Gary Coleman

Gerald Ford, former President of the United States, died the other day. As we have in the past (#1, #2, #3, #4, #5), we here at Please Do It Ms Hewitt turned to our diminutive friend Gary Coleman for a response. Apparently, learning from our mistakes is not what we do best.




Whatchu Talkin' Bout Gerald Ford,

Why didn't you pardon me? I was an international star of great fame, fortune, and mystery and yet you stole all of my glory by pardoning Richard Nixon instead of me. Clearly you should have been calling me up and congratulating me for playing Arnold Jackson with such wisdom and talent. But you didn't and now you are dead, robbing me of the pardon that I so justly deserved. I was on TV for 8 years! I am the greatest actor in the universe. You are not. And that is why I hold you accountable for your death.

Clearly we should be celebrating my life. Yet, you go and die, making the world focus on your "presidency" and "legacy" and "hair." Why must you do this to me during my time of need? Have you no sense of decency? Have you no sense of pride? Have you no cents? Cuz I don't. I need money. Lots of money. And thus we are saddened by your death.

In conclusion, I wish that you would stand up and tell the world that I deserve a pardon for everything. I don't care if you are dead. I've seen dead people before and will see them again. I see everything. One time I saw Mr. Drummond trying to touch Natalie from the Facts of Life. I didn't call the police because I'm Gary Coleman! Did you hear that? I played Arnold Jackson! You will never learn, and for that I shall mourn you.


Sadly,
Gary Coleman


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Saturday, December 16, 2006

Happy Holidays From Wilford Brimley



Dear America and Sometimes God Damn Canada,

It's that God damn time of year again. No, not that God damn time of month. It's that time of year when the God damn festive spirit creeps up inside us like a rotting mass of bacteria. That's right, it's the holidays.

Since I have The Diabetes, I can't celebrate too much. It ain't good for my blood sugar levels, which I check often. But just cuz I ain't celebrating don't mean that I ain't happy and festive. To prove that to you, I've put together this little holiday greeting. Enjoy it while you're eatin' your Quaker Oats special Christmas oatmeal.

Here's the clip: Go Elf Yourself, courtesy of Wilford Brimley

Pissed Off,
Wilford Brimley


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Sunday, December 10, 2006

The Return of Wilford Brimley!



Dear America and Sometimes God Damn Canada,

It's been a long God damn time since I last spoke to ya'. I ain't gonna apologize for the delay as it's my God damn prerogative when I want to say something. You should be happy whenever I grace your life with my God damn wisdom. So don't be complaining to me. Just accept me and move the hell on.

So I gots a lot on my mind today as there's a lotta crap going on in this world. And it's been pissing...me...off. Let's go through each God damn thing:

1. Britney Spears has been going around flashing her God damn clown's pocket every which way but Sunday. That ain't what a lady is supposed to do, but then again, she ain't no lady. Now I ain't one to sermonize, but I think all you young fellas these days spend too much time worshipping these God damn airheaded-meat-curtain-showing harlots and hussies running around Hollywood with their vay-ginas in the air and their heads in the clouds. That creates a culture of coochie, which is not the culture our God damn founders had in mind when they created the US of God damn A. If left unchecked, Britney Spears and her kookooyumyumpoon will destroy us all. Someone's gotta do somethin' and fast.

2. Nicole Richie got a God damn DUI. What the hell was she doing driving? Since when do skeletons have licenses? Of course she was God damn drunk. If I ate only one Cheerio a week and then drank a bottle of wine each hour, I'd be drunk as a God damn skunk too. Of course, I don't do that because I have The Diabetes and it would kill me. But that don't mean she should either. Damn whore.

3. Lindsay Lohan is in AA. Well, it's about time. She drinks more than an Irish man at a Nick Nolte birthday party. And let me tell you, that's one hell of a lot. I know she's able to drink more than most women cuz she keeps the booze in those God damn oversized boobies. But still, I think it's a healthy thing to admit when you have a problem and try to fix it. I once had a gambling problem. I didn't realize it until too late and I had already killed my bookie with a carving knife and a spatula. I ain't proud of it, but it happened, and that's final. Ms. God damn Lohan has admitted she is drunk and is fixing herself. Good for that bitch.

4. Something happened with President Bush, Iraq, and something or other, but I couldn't care less because I only watch the God damn E! channel.

That is all for now. I could go on and on, but I'll save some God damn ranting for next week. Until then, if you have any God damn relationship questions, send them to me at pleasedoitmshewitt@yahoo.com. Eat your Quaker Oats, check your blood sugar, ignore Bea Arthur's Vagina, and be a good God damn citizen. Or I may just come and get you.



Pissed Off,
Wilford Brimley


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Whore to Spawn



Los Angeles, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Paris Hilton, noted socialite and underwear designer for Britney Spears, has proclaimed her insatiable desire to have children. Hilton, who for years has been practicing to conceive a child or 400, feels its time she popped one out and started raising it as her own. Commenting to Life & Style Weekly, the socialite said:

"It's been my dream to have four babies by 30. I look after animals, so I'd have a lot to give my kids, like dog food and a leash."

She later added:

"The good news is that I've stretched out my vagina so much from frequent anonymous sex that the baby will practically fall out."

Critics have condemned Ms. Hilton's desire to spawn as a potential form of cruel and unusual punishment to a child or children. Sources close to ex-boyfriend Nachos Rancheros indicate that he's not ready for children but is willing to try having them as long as Paris is willing to take birth control and wear a condom during sex. Ms. Hilton's parents, on the other hand, welcome a new child or children as they think it will help Paris "stop snorting so much God damn cocaine."

No word yet from Britney Spears on her new friend's dreams of motherhood, but sources close to the panty-less pop princess indicate that she's offered to babysit the little Hiltons, drunk or sober. Therapy sessions for the yet-to-be-born children are already being planned.


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Saturday, December 02, 2006

From One Shaved Pussy To Another



Dear Britney,

Would you stop it! Every time I look up I see your shaved pussy. Shaved pussy here and shaved pussy there. You know, from one shaved pussy to another, you're starting to give us a bad name.

It's not easy being a shaved pussy. People constantly stare at me and wonder how I got to be the way I am. As a celebrity targeted by the paparazzi, I'm sure you understand my plight. And that's why your recent flashing remains so puzzling to me, king of the shaved pussies. Why would you go and flash your shaved pussy to the world, in the process increasing your exposure (no pun intended)? If anything, I thought you'd wear granny panties or even thermal underwear in public, just to prevent such an event from occurring. But alas, you wore nothing and then flashed the world the smile they've been waiting to see.

Many people will blame Paris Hilton for your behavior. I will do no such thing. Paris has been a friend to the shaved pussy community for many years. Tarnishing her name would be improper. Personally, I think you only have yourself to blame. You chose to leave your underwear at home. You chose to wear a skirt that only reached your hips. You chose to shave your birth lips and go out in public, or pubic as the case may be. Me? I had no choice in my shaved pussy-ness; it was thrust upon me. I don't go parading it around like some little hussy. I stay at home, poop in litter, eat cat food, drink milk, and regret my existence as a shaved pussy. You could learn a thing or two.


Best Regards,
Vlad - King of the Shaved Pussies



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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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