Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Hey Jennifer Love Hewitt, Are You Even Listening To Me?

Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt,

We meet again. And once again our meeting is precipitated not by a long-awaiting posing in the forever-acclaimed cultural icon that is Playboy, but instead by a posing in a sub par magazine reserved for the Lacey Chaberts and Amanda Bynes of the world. Once again, you have disregarded my wise words and posed for a shit-tay magazine. In this situation it was CVS, but it easily could have been Wal-Mart or K-Mart or Target (pronounced Tar-zhay). Sadly, you continue to ignore my advice and further tarnish both your respectability, overall hotness, and general "street cred." Word?

The first occasion that you stooped below your anointed status as code blue hottie and posed for an inferior magazine, was when you graced the cover of American Way magazine, an inflight magazine for an airline!! While I was angry, I was willing to forgive you. This time, your sin is cardinal. I cannot understand why on earth you posed for a CVS magazine. CV-fucking-S??? You used to be a paragon of hotness, whacked upon by a generation of adolescents coming of age. Now...you adorn the cover of a magazine given away free to people buying Preparation H?. What the hell? Sure, some say that all publicity is good publicity. However, some also say that you can "catch pregnancy" by sitting on a toilet seat. The lesson, as always, is that "some" people are usually wrong.

Ms. Hewitt, oh my dear Ms. Hewitt, this cover idea was a grand mistake. Your beauteous face should be reserved only for magazines which will also show your beauteous bosoms. In short - Playboy. We are now approaching the one year anniversary of my initial plea to you to pose for this great publication, and it appears I must renew my call to arms.

Pose now for the sake of the children in our society. Pose now for the sake of the poor homeless men starving in the streets. Pose now for the sake of all of the battered husbands whom Tawny Kitaen has tossed aside. Pose now for all the esoteric and obscure references I've made in my pleas to you, such as the last one about Tawny Kitaen. Pose now for Bea Arthur's Vagina. Most of all, pose now for your own self-respect and dignity. You are a proud woman with a great rack, and that rack must be displayed for all to gaze upon in wonder.

Once again, I urge you to make the right choice. Happy New Year to you and your breasts.

Best Regards,
A Concerned Fan


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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Anonymous Bice said...

If she doesn't pose then the terrorists have already one.

If not for ACF do it for America Jennifer!

12:16 PM  
Blogger Ben said...

Just have Wilford give her a donkey punch. That should bring her around.

8:36 AM  
Blogger A Concerned Fan said...

That's always a good solution to everything. Welcome back, Ben!

8:58 AM  
Blogger Dr. Blogstein said...

You seem really focused on Lacey Chabert these days

8:20 PM  
Blogger Sir. Alfieri said...

looks at here, she should not never pose nude. You of United States think she is simply delicious but here in Brazil she is respected. Happily she didn't pose reason she doesn't need that. To pass well!

11:48 PM  

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