Thursday, January 18, 2007

Scott Bakula To Run For President

My Fellow Americans,

It is time for action. Our country is in desperate straits. We suffer from a lack of true leadership and in the absence of such, we have been spiraling down a course of despair and treachery. Our future is dark and our prospects are bleak. If we do not do something now, we will forever be burdened by the consequences of our inaction. We need a true leader to rise up above the smoke and ash and lead our country to victory. I am that true leader. And that is why, I, Scott Bakula, am officially running for President of the United States of America in 2008.

My leadership skills are unquestioned. In the movie Necessary Roughness, I led a rough and tumble group of termagant lowlifes to the Texas state championship. Yes, I was a 38-year-old college freshman who hadn't played competitive athletics in 20 years and smoked 2 packs a day, but I never let that affect my leadership style. I persevered through the hardship, and even got to fuck my teacher. As President I promise to lead our country to success and then fuck all of the women in this country. This is the type of leadership our country needs.

As you know, I also starred in a little show called Quantum Leap. As President, I will use the skills I learned as Sam to right things that once went wrong. For example, I will "leap" back in time and stop our country from invading Iraq. Furthermore, I will prevent Bill Clinton from getting a blow job from Monica Lewinsky and I will prevent Jimmy Carter from being born. Can Obama, Kerry, Edwards, Huckabee, or Hillary do this? I don't think so.

Many of you also will remember me as the captain of one of the Enterprise ships on the aptly named Enterprise. My participation with this show displays my love of science and nerds who live in their parents' basements. As President, I will enact nerd-based tax cuts that will allow these valued members of society to leave their parents' basements and enter the workforce where they surely will invent space travel and warp engines. With this great new technology at our disposal, we can explore the galaxy and kill things. Other Presidents may want to kill terrorists or French people or Brad Garrett. Only I can guarantee intergalactic killing.

Finally, I am qualified to be President because I can handle the Baby Boomer situation. I was a regular on Murphy Brown, and all that time around Candice Bergen taught me how to deal with aging people who reeked of death. My experience on this show provided valuable insight that will be essential when all the Baby Boomers start bleeding the country dry (i.e., retiring).

In conclusion, I promise you, the American people, that I will bring integrity, showmanship, and a history of being on shows that have been canceled (five to be exact). Can anyone else boast of these things? I doubt it. So when it comes time to vote, vote for Bakula on the Fascist Party ticket. I promise to be a benevolent ruler...a benevolent ruler who loves you.

Scott Bakula


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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Blogger Dr. Blogstein said...

He's got my vote as long as Dean Stockwell is his running mate and Ziggy is Secretary of State.

10:15 PM  
Blogger dmbmeg said...

Do you think Scott Bakula ever had to have sex with men when he lept into women? I'm wondering how vaginas work into the time/space continuum here.

what an awesome show though. I miss it.

12:55 PM  
Blogger Ben said...

Pass the word on to Wilford--the Diabetes has claimed another. I present to you, the late, the great, Bam Bam Bigelow:

And damn you, dmbmeg. I had never thought about vaginas in the time-space continuum, and now I won't be able to rest until I've fully explored the matter.

If you need me, I'll be in the Wilford Hole, if you know what I mean.

11:09 PM  
Blogger A Concerned Fan said...

These are all great questions/thoughts. But I'm most troubled by Bam Bam Bigelow. This deserves a post of its own...

6:39 AM  

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