Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Dakota Fanning Implicated In Global Porn Ring

Dear World,

I must confess, I, Dakota Fanning, am the ringleader of the international porn ring that was recently discovered by Austrian police. You may think that I am an innocent child actor known for her strong acting ability, precociousness, and tendency to do creepy, underage rape scenes in independent movies. But that is where you'd be mistaken. I am actually a disguised 47-year-old midget named John Lee McGillicutty, known the world over for his sickening devotion to child pornography. Fear me!

The Austrian police will never catch me, for I am a master of disguise. Sure, I'm revealing my identity now, but that is only because I have grown tired of this "Dakota Fanning" character that I have created and will soon take on the appearance of another up-and-coming child actor in Hollywood. Several years ago I created a different fool-proof identity that you may know as Haley Joel Osment. I soon grew tired of him and passed on the role to one of my cronies. Don't you remember when Haley Joel fell off the map? That's when I left him to become this new Dakota Fanning character. Suddenly her career picked up. Coincidence? I think not.

So try as you might world to capture me, but I assure you of one thing: failure. Dakota Fanning fears nobody. I will avoid capture and continue to run my global child pornography ring until such time as I deem it necessary to assume a new identity and disappear underground. Until then, rent War of the Worlds and keep viewing child pornography. Yes, I'm talking to you, Tom Cruise. Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!

Dakota Fanning


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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Blogger Ben said...

McGillicutty....nice. Very nice.

Come check out the new design. I'm trying to re-establish myself as an "up and comer."

WHere the fuck is Wilford? I'm gonna kick his Diabetes-riddled ass if he doesn't make an appearance soon.

10:47 PM  

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