Friday, February 09, 2007

Wilford Brimley Speaks Out About Anna Nicole Smith

Dear America and Sometimes God Damn Canada,

Another day, another God damn dead starlet. As you all know by now, that big-boned and big boobed hussy Anna Nicole Smith died for as-of-yet undetermined reasons. Am I sad? You bet your God damn Diabetes-riddled ass I am. Like any person over 70 years old, I once had sex with Anna Nicole Smith. She was the best damn lover I ever had, and I sure as God damn hell will miss her. You should too, and I'll tell you why.

For starters, she didn't have The Diabetes, but she still checked her blood sugar and checked it often. Hell, I know many people with The Diabetes who don't check their blood sugar, and that's just wrong as a paraplegic marathon runner practicing on a treadmill. The fact that she proactively checked her blood sugar levels tells me that she had class. Now you're gonna hear many of those God damn news shows say she was a drug user and crazy woman. Don't trust em'. Hell, I never trust a man whose first name is Wolf. What kind of God damn name is Wolf? I once had a dog named Wolf, but we shot him cuz he went crazy and bit my wife near her Wilford Hole. Somebody should shoot that God damn Wolf Blitzer too for spreading lies about my love, Anna Nicole Smith. You'd think he'd have more important things to worry about, like the Iraq war or North Korea or Bea Arthur's Vagina, but instead he spends his God damn time on Anna Nicole Smith. It's a real shame.

I'll also miss Anna Nicole Smith because she loved her Quaker Oats oatmeal. Sure, it dribbled out of her mouth when she was drunk (I said she didn't do drugs, but I ain't ever said anything about her boozing), but that's okay. One time, I was drunk and I rubbed Quaker Oats oatmeal all over my nekkid ass, so I ain't one to talk. The point is, she was a loyal customer. You should be too.

I'll also miss Anna Nicole Smith because she had a reality show on the television. I've been a big God damn fan of reality shows ever since that damn Real World show debuted on the God damn video network. At one point there was a Wilford Brimley reality show in the works where I went around from town to town and yelled at young people to stop being so God damn stupid. It was called, "Shut The Fuck Up, Young Fellow: A Day In The Life Of Wilford Brimley." Unfortunately, HBO shelved the product after they caught me having sex with my wife on set one day. I ain't ashamed of it but I ain't proud either. Sometimes my woman needs some pleasurin' and I can't wait to get to my God damn home to do it. Nowadays if I got caught Having a Wilford on set with my wife, I'd get higher ratings, but back then they weren't ready for my mustache and bare ass. Damn shame.

Finally, I'll miss Anna Nicole Smith because she was tall. That's as good a reason as any, and you'll best agree with me before I come over to your God damn house and explain it to you in person. Tall women are special people and you better understand that or you'll never get any action in this world. Trust me, I'm Wilford Brimley and I know better than you ever God damn could.

So please mourn this great woman, and check your blood sugar if you have The Diabetes. Anna Nicole would have wanted you to.

Pissed Off,
Wilford Brimley


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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Blogger Not Chosen said...

I was wondering when Wilford was going to make a public statement about this national tragedy.

8:37 AM  
Blogger Ben said...

If by "national tragedy" you mean "merciful blessing," I completely agree.

I could whack it to her until I saw her reality show and actually heard her speak. That goddamn show ruined her for me.

9:32 PM  
Blogger Greg said...

Ha ha-- that's awesome.

(Is Caruso dead yet?)

10:17 AM  
Blogger dmbmeg said...

[blink, blink]


[blink, blink]

5:15 PM  

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