Monday, March 12, 2007

Billy Crystal Announces Tentative, Maybe, Partial, Sorta, Kinda, Dipping A Toe In, Perhaps, Unconfirmed, Speculative Entry in 2008 Presidential Race

Dear America,

I, Billy Crystal, do officially announce my probationary entry into the 2008 Presidential race. Long have I stood on the sidelines and watched others run this country into the ground. Well, not anymore. With the exception of Scott Bakula, I am the most qualified man (and I stress the word man) for the job. I urge you to vote for me, if indeed I do run, which is uncertain because I don't want to committ to running until I know I can win, even though nothing is ever certain and I am 100% determined to run, but it sounds better to say I'm exploring the options.

While I don't have any "platform" or "campaign ideas" or more than a "fifth grade education," it shouldn't matter. What should matter is that I starred in When Harry Met Sally and saw Meg Ryan fake an orgasm in a restaurant. That is much more important than an Iraq policy or a stance on the genocide in Darfur. What's more, I can do voices really well, so instead of faking a Southern accent, I can do an outdated Howard Cosell impersonation or a Fernando Lamas "You look Mahvelous" comment. That's the power of Billy Crystal. You see, I can even speak in the 3rd person. Nobody else brings that to the table.

Whereas other candidates will bore you with "ideas" and "rational thought," I'm running on the "you want to have a beer with me" concept, even though most of you don't actually want to have a beer with me and would rather step on my toe and kick me in the shins. But regardless, the point is that I'm famous and you recognize my name, so therefore you should vote for me. And I used to be funny 15 years ago, so that should count for something too.

Anyway, a vote for Billy Crystal is a vote for sanity and male perms, so vote for me! That is, if I decide to run. Which is still up in the air, you know, because I have to explore the idea a bit before I decide anything for sure. Yeah.

All My Best,
Billy Crystal


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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