Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Scooter Libby Claims He Is Father Of Anna Nicole Smith's Child

Dear America,

First off, let me apologize for lying to a grand jury, perjuring myself, and all that other crap that I did to get Dicky-boy off the hook. My bad. With that out of the way, I want to address the real crisis affecting America - the paternity battle for Anna Nicole Smith's little baby.

As you may or may not know, OJ Simpson has recently entered the fray claiming that he is the father of little Dannielynn. The self-proclaimed "king of slow moving sperm" (or KOSMS for short) has joined the likes of numerous other celebrity nitwits in falsely claiming fatherhood. They are all liars? I know because I'm the real father.

Some of you may think that I'm doing this to distract you from my conviction. That couldn't be farther from the truth, even if it is actually true. I worked in politics, and as you know, politicians never lie except when they lie. Right now, I'm not lying, I'm just restating a fact incorrectly. I am the father of Anna Nicole Smith's child. My fast-moving sperm were victorious in conquering her yielding ovum. I am entitled to all property rights bequeathed to that child, and the first chance I get, I will improperly leak important information about her to the press. I assure you, this is the truth.

So let it be known, America, that I am not a crook. I am a father with powerful sperm and a strong inclination for a former drug-using stripper who had a reality show. And I don't mean any of the people on The Real World.

Thank You,
Scooter Libby


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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