Friday, April 27, 2007

Will Tyra Please Feel My Boobs Too?

Dear Tyra,

Why do you insist on grabbing so many different boobs? First it was Katherine McPhee, which was kinda hot. But now Rosie O'freakin'Donnell????? Have those top models finally driven you over the edge? My dear, sweet, bodacious Tyra...there exists only one set of boobs that needs grabbing - my man boobs.

Although I may have a hot wife on my sitcom King of Queens, I don't have much of a social life off the set. It's mainly due to my man boobs. When I take off my shirt, people scream and say, "Oh no, Kevin James' man boobs will engulf me like an amoeba eating its prey!" Okay, maybe I'm paraphrazing, but the point is, I have man boobs and they scare away pretty much everyone I meet. Sometimes people will laugh at my stand-up comedy and then vomit in their two drink minimum when I turn too quickly and my man boobs shake and shimmy. I am thoroughly and utterly alone because of my man boobs, but I was hoping you'd help change that. I mean, you love grabbing boobs and I need my boobs it's a perfect fit, no?

You can twist them, cup them, squeeze them, or even spit on them and call them racial epithets. I don't really care, so long as they're being touched. I long for you to grab them, say something like "Girl!!!!" and fake chuckle in that Tyra way. Won't that be awesome? Even better than back to back episodes of King of Queens. Well, maybe not that good, but nobody's perfect.

So...uh...I'll be waiting for you. Just look for the ugly guy with the huge man boobs. Come on over and grab 'em!

In Boobs I Trust,
Kevin James


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Joe Francis To Release "Girls Gone Wild: Prison Rape" Edition

Dear America,

As you may have heard, I'm going to jail for a little while. Anybody who had ever seen one of my Girls Gone Wild videos (ahem...that means you Ben Affleck), knew that I'd eventually end up here, but little did they know I'd be here so quickly! Maybe in 10 years, when one of the topless 15 year old girls I filmed grew up, went to law school, and then sued my ass. But nope, I'm here now. And I have to tell you...I'm loving it. It turns out I'm a huge fan of prison rape! Not being raped, of course, as that is an awful experience that has me crying every night (sort of like watching the Celtics play). What I love is watching prison rape happen and filming people doing it. It's so much fun!

Sadly, I don't get to see nubile young women flash me, so I guess the title of the new video Girls Gone Wild: Prison Rape is a bit of a misnomer. It really should be called Guy On Guy Hardcore Sex: Prison Rape Edition, but that's just semantics. I'm sure my core audience of teenage and 20 year old males will still want to watch it. Who wouldn't want to see convicts yelling, cavorting, fighting, and then having their way with each other. It's my dream come true! Except when I'm being raped. I hate that.

In the end (no pun intended), going to prison was the best thing possible for me. I don't really know why, but people always say that. If this new movie takes off, perhaps I'll have found my calling by filming convicts engaging in sodomy. If it doesn't take off, well, I may be arrested again for the content. Either way I come out a winner. Joe Francis rules!

So, please, spend some of your hard earned cash on this great new video. It doesn't have female genitalia or breasts or anything of that boring nature. Just hardcore inmate on inmate action - Joe Francis style. Boo yah!!!

Rapingly Yours,
Joe Francis


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Bush Appoints A-Rod To World Bank; Wolfowitz Sent To Triple-A

Washington, DC (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Paul Wolfowitz, embattled World Bank leader and one of the primary instigators of both the Iraq war and Affleck-Lopez (i.e., Bennifer) fiascos, has formally been replaced by President Bush in favor of the man-stud and overall hunk machine known as Alex "A-Rod" Rodriguez. Wolfowitz, who recently got in trouble for promoting his long-time sex partner in violation of World Bank ethics, has refused to resign from his position. While the President is a strong supporter of the Wolfmeister, he finally relented to public pressure and demoted the disgraced neocon to the World Bank's AAA farm club in Toledo. Effective immediately, Wolfowitz will be replaced by New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez.

Rodriguez, the self-professed "Lord of all things baseball," has shown the versatility required for the role. For example, he switched from shortstop to third base upon his transition to the Yankees. Also, while he has repeatedly failed in the clutch, he has promised to be better and is eternally optimistic - two qualities valued by the Bush team above all else, including facts and actual performance. Sources indicate that A-Rod will not need to relinquish his roll on the Yankees, as the World Bank doesn't really do much anyway.

When asked to comment on the new position, A-Rod took off his shirt, flexed, and then made out with his wife and made sweet love to Wolfowitz's girlfriend. Wolfowitz, however, declined to comment on the matter and has not indicated whether he will report to Toledo on time. A representative for the Toledo World Bank stated that they are thrilled to have Wolfowitz on board, even if he has never demonstrated any ability to successfully do anything outside the field of Academia.


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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Sunday, April 15, 2007

An Open Letter to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales From Gary Busey


Can I call you Alberto? Al? Senor lawyer-guy? Or how about the-dude-who-is-totally-up-shit's-creek? Cuz that's what you are. You know that, right? Yeah, all that "nothing to hide" shit is cute and all, but you are deader than my career. In fact, you're deader than my son's career. You know what? That's dead. Dead, I say.

You want some advice? Just fess up and tell them that you snorted the drugs. Wait, that's not why you're in trouble. Oh yeah, the lawyer firing stuff. You know, I'm not really a politics guy, but it seems to me that everything you've ever done in the history of your life, including this firing stuff, was wrong. Therefore, you should resign your office and pay off my extensive credit card debt. Yup, resigning office is not going to be good enough. You also need to pay MY bills, because that's what the American public would want. How do I know that? I'm an American, gosh darnit, and I know what my people want. Sure, you're an American too, but not a Gary Busey American, which is the best type. So...that's why you need to resign and cut me a check for $278,000. Yes, that is my credit card debt. I'm awesome.

Don't think Mr. Dubya will help you out. He'll sell you out quicker than you can say "incompetent Attorney General," which I'm sure you're used to saying (or hearing). If I've learned anything from my wildly erratic movie career, it's that success if fleeting and often undeserved. Hmmm...sound familiar? No? Oh. Then nevermind. Go rent Predator 2. I'm great in it.

Crazily Yours,
Gary Busey


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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Thursday, April 12, 2007

Michael Richards Offers Don Imus Some Advice

What's up my nigga'?

My fellow beleaguered entertainer. So sorry to hear about your predicament. Actually, I'm not really sorry. I'm actually quite thankful that you're finally taking the attention off of me! Then again, every time someone says that the attention is off of me, by virtue of mentioning my name again in connection with a racist incident, the attention goes back on me. So...I change my mind. Fuck you.

Sorry about that. I'm still a little pissed about what happened to me. I can totally sympathize with you, dawg. You been set up by da man! Good ole' Uncle Charlie. Yup, you been set up like a dog on a porch in the summer. Mmmm hmmm.

Anyway, since I've been through the grinder already, I have a couple of tips for you so you don't make this mistake again.

1. If you're going to be racist, go whole hog. Don't just stick with a pathetic "nappy headed hos" comment. I suggest you stand onstage in a club and yell the N-word as loud as you can repeatedly. It worked well for me.

2. Apologize with Jerry Seinfeld. People love funny Jews. Wait, I didn't just say that. Here we go again...

3. When talking about Rutgers, don't ever focus on race. Focus on the rampant STD problem. That's funnier and more relevant.

4. Most of all, don't be an aging entertainer who's past his prime and needs to "push the envelope." Obviously that worked out for both of us.

5. Oh, and finally (because every list needs 5 points), if you're really stuck for material, just talk about Bea Arthur's Vagina. Everyone loves that!

Good luck with the fallout. I hope you have savings, you silly cracker.

With Love,
Michael Richards


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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Monday, April 09, 2007

A Tribute to New Jersey

Dear Fans of Jennifer Love Hewitt,

As many of you know, Jennifer Love Hewitt was born in NJ. Okay, that's a lie. She was actually born in Waco, Texas...home of everyone's favorite BBQ-flavored sociopath - David Koresh. However, just because JLH is not from NJ, doesn't mean we should hold that against her, or the state itself. Instead we should worship NJ for the peaceful beacon of splendor that it is. And that's what I'd like to do today.

A good friend of Please Do It Ms. Hewitt has put together this mini tribute to the Garden State. It is educational, amusing, and actually serves as a mild laxative as well. So drink it up and enjoy.

New Jersey is a hell of a place. Or just hell. Take your pick.

-Concerned Fan


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Keith Richards Snorts Lots Of Things


I'm Keith Richards and I snort a lot of things. As you may have heard, I snorted me dad's ashes. That's right, I mixed his ashes with some blow and did a line on a dead hooker's back (Ben Affleck gave me one out of his private collection). That may sound a bit weird to you, mate, but it's just a regular day for me. I snort everything.

When Britney shaved her head, I snorted the hair. And she kept showing her little snatchy-poo to the world because I snorted her panties. Hillary Duff and Nicole Richie are losing all that weight because I snort their food. President Bush was pissed because I snorted all those WMDs in Iraq. Lindsay Lohan asked me to help her stop drinking, but I couldn't snort her liver. Too damn big. Although I was able to snort Anna Nicole Smith's brain. That was an easy one.

Mick never understood me snortin' habit. He would get mad when I'd snort a groupie or two, but that was just me thing. I just snort everything. You know why they can't find Bigfoot or the Loch Ness monster? I snorted 'em. I would have snorted Dick Cheney's soul, but I couldn't find it. Christina Aguilera asked me to snort her, but I was afraid of catching some contagious so walked away. Although I did snort Jessica Simpson's talent on the way out. And last week I snorted some of Wilford Brimley's insulin.

So if you got something for me to snort, send it my way. I'll snort it up quicker than you can say "Bea Arthur's Vagina." Come to think of it, I probably snorted that too. Jolly good!

Keith Richards


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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