Friday, April 27, 2007

Will Tyra Please Feel My Boobs Too?

Dear Tyra,

Why do you insist on grabbing so many different boobs? First it was Katherine McPhee, which was kinda hot. But now Rosie O'freakin'Donnell????? Have those top models finally driven you over the edge? My dear, sweet, bodacious Tyra...there exists only one set of boobs that needs grabbing - my man boobs.

Although I may have a hot wife on my sitcom King of Queens, I don't have much of a social life off the set. It's mainly due to my man boobs. When I take off my shirt, people scream and say, "Oh no, Kevin James' man boobs will engulf me like an amoeba eating its prey!" Okay, maybe I'm paraphrazing, but the point is, I have man boobs and they scare away pretty much everyone I meet. Sometimes people will laugh at my stand-up comedy and then vomit in their two drink minimum when I turn too quickly and my man boobs shake and shimmy. I am thoroughly and utterly alone because of my man boobs, but I was hoping you'd help change that. I mean, you love grabbing boobs and I need my boobs it's a perfect fit, no?

You can twist them, cup them, squeeze them, or even spit on them and call them racial epithets. I don't really care, so long as they're being touched. I long for you to grab them, say something like "Girl!!!!" and fake chuckle in that Tyra way. Won't that be awesome? Even better than back to back episodes of King of Queens. Well, maybe not that good, but nobody's perfect.

So...uh...I'll be waiting for you. Just look for the ugly guy with the huge man boobs. Come on over and grab 'em!

In Boobs I Trust,
Kevin James


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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