Thursday, May 31, 2007

Lindsay Lohan Moving To Rome

Hey everyone!

Did you hear the news? Scientists recently found that particles of cocaine and marijuana were found suspended in the air in Rome. Isn’t that, like, totally awesome? Now I can get my “high on” without paying for a thing. I just have to fly to Rome and inhale the air harder than I inhaled Wilmer Valderrama’s….ego. Heh heh.

You wanna know what’s even better? Alcohol is free on international flights. Yeppers. As some of you may have heard, I have a bit of a drinking problem. Well, the media calls it a problem, but the media also bought into the myth of WMDs, so we see how reliable they are. Ha! Bet you didn’t think I knew what a WMD was! I read Seventeen just like the rest of you and am well aware that we invaded Israel over the Weapons of…weapons of…weapons of MD thing. We showed those Israelis! Where was I? Oh yeah, my repeated DUI infractions and what not. Just because I like to drink heavily every night and then drive doesn’t mean I’m an alcoholic. It just means I’m from Boston. Think about it, how many guys named Sully or Murph do you know who drink every night and then drive home half the time drunk as a damn skunk. Throw in a Pizzi, a Wally, a Crowley, and even a Dempsey and you’re talking DUI infractions all day and every day. If you think about it that way, I’m not a Hollywood diva-in-training who has serious substance abuse problems – I’ve just been hanging around the North End too long.

Regardless, I’m so looking forward to living in another country. Besides being able to inhale drugs all the time, I’ll finally have a break from those damn paparazzi photographers who are always trying to take a picture of my boobies or my panties or my axe wound. Why are they of such interest? Don’t these people have wives or girlfriends or…wait…they’re paparazzi, so of course they don’t. They probably sit home all day and masturbate to Oscar Meyer commercials because the site of cold cuts gives them a sexual rush. Yeah, they probably cry themselves to sleep at night after a very fulfilling day of hiding in the bushes, climbing fences, and knitting. Hell, I’m surprised they aren’t getting DUI infractions every day. Oh, that’s right – they probably can’t even afford a car. Maybe that’s why they’re always hiding in the bushes waiting to take my picture; they don’t have a home and are using my shrubs as shelter. You know, Wilmer used to use my shrubs for other things. Oh!!! Zinger!!!

So…I guess then I’ll see all y’all later. I’m off to the ancient city of Rome where the women are loose and the men have herpes. And, most importantly, the cocaine flows more than Betty White’s menstrual fluid before she hit menopause. Oh!!! Zinger!!!

Hugs and Snorts,
Lindsay Lohan


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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Sunday, May 27, 2007

I'm Excited For Jail Too!

Dear Paris,

Are you getting ready for the big house? Are ya'? Are ya'? I'm certainly getting ready to go to jail. I just can't wait until that jury convicts me and sends my ass off to prison. You thought I had a wall of sound before? Just wait till I get behind those prison walls...then my sound will really amplify! I'm just afraid that prison life may affect my hair a bit. I mean, I've heard it can be dank and humid in those cells and I certainly wouldn't want my hair to go all frizzy. What you see today is actually a good day with all my hair straightening gel lathered on nice and thick. You should see me on a bad hair day! Girrrrrrrrl, you wouldn't believe it.

So how's everything else going? Things are okay with me. I get up, cry a little bit, masturbate to dreams of John Denver reciting erotic poetry over a subtle wall of sound, cry some more, and then sleep the rest of the day. That is, when I'm not in court. How about you? Things going okay for you? I heard that you were doing something with somebody at that place where people come to see things, know...I could be wrong. I've been wrong before. Like about about that a-hole Lana Clarkson. Bitch just didn't listen to me and...well...oh wait...I shouldn't say anything. Guess I'm still on trial and all that stuff. Hell, everyone knows I'm guilty, but I guess I shouldn't out and out confess...yet.

ANYWHOO....I guess I should go back to masturbating and crying. You should try that too. Although, don't film it. The true joy of "tearful ejaculation" (that's a term I coined) only is experienced during solitary confinement...something you're going to get very used to for at least 23 days.

Tearfully and Spunkfully,
Phil Spector


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Consider The Alternatives, Jennifer Love Hewitt

Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt,

Hello again. It's been a while since we last spoke and a lot has happened in the interim. Britney Spears has become totally and cerifiably insane. Lindsay Lohan has been caught doing cocaine and exposing her nipple. Even the glorious Jessica Alba has...well...she can do no wrong. But that's beside the point. My point is that you're not getting any younger and it's high time that you wised up and posed for Playboy before you ended up a washed-up, used-up, coked-up hag like the "starlets" described above. Otherwise, it's going to be too late.

The crazy thing is that the answer to all your problems is so simple! And it does NOT involve another Garfield sequel. Nor does it involve anything that has to do with whispering to ghouls. It has purely to do with those Seussian giants above your ribcage - Thing 1 and Thing 2. Just show those small midgets off to the world within the pages of Playboy and all else will fall into place. Untold riches will be bestowed upon you by directors who finally realize that you are indeed a complex actress capable of taking on challenging (and oft sexy) roles. The world will be your oyster so long as you show of your 2 pearls. Until then, the only thing you can hope for is another season of ghost whispering and perhaps a Party of 5 reunion in the not too distant future (in that episode, I'm sure every character will probably be dying of cancer). Clearly one alternative is better than the other. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, or even James Woods, to know which one that is.

So once again I urge you to make the right choice. Pose for Playboy and show us your cans, my dear Jennifer Love Hewitt, and all the world will benefit - particularly you.

Best Regards,
Concerned Fan


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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Friday, May 11, 2007

I Ate 23 Twinkies In 5 Minutes

23 Twinkies
5 minutes.

Think about it. Do the math. That's more than 4 twinkies per minute. That's 1 twinkie every 13 seconds. That's 3,450 calories and 103.5 fat grams. All in the span of 5 minutes. Sickening? Most certainly. Disgusting? Absolutely. Vomit-inducing? You bet your bottom dollar. But would i do it again? Without a doubt.

This site is not about me - in its 17 months of existence, there have been only a handful of posts about my actual life. But this was a monumental experience of epic proportions (as the "movie-preview voice" guy would say) that needed to be discussed immediately. Okay, it didn't really need to be discussed immediately, but I thought it would be funny to talk about the fact that I voluntarily entered a competitive eating contest and attempted to eat 50 twinkies in 5 minutes.

Here's how it went: The clock started, I shoved down 23 twinkies, I came in third place, and then I threw up. Funny, right! No? Okay, if that's not funny, then check out this You Tube video: Here. This guy ate 40 Twinkies in 2 minutes. And he was perfectly fine afterwards. Funny, right! No? Okay, I guess personal blogging isn't that interesting to other people because you had to be there (hint, hint world at large).

So, my advice to you people out there who are contemplating competitive eating - do it. It's painful and it's thoroughly disgusting, but at the same time it's a life-changing experience. Okay, not really, but twinkies taste good and...well...that's all you need to know.

Aren't we all more enlightened now? I thought so. Now go and google Bea Arthur's Vagina and call it a day.

Love Always,
Concerned Fan


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Madonna Caught in Love Triangle With Matthew Mcconaughey and John Ratzenberger

Dear Madonna and Matthew,

I love both of you. Heartily. Lustfully. Eagerly. Orgasmically. But this triangle we have here is beginning to wear me down. It's tough to give out so much love on such a frequent basis. I'm only so much man! Yes, I'm a hell of a man, and I once played a postman on TV, but I'm still just a mortal. Flesh and blood, you know? And your carnal and emotional demands on me are just too taxing and I'm beginning to crack. Why must you love me so much, my sweet Madonna and Matthew?

It started out all innocently. Matthew, when I first met you, you had your shirt off and your package was glistening in the Florida sun (like usual), and my heart literally stopped for a second (it turns out it was just clogged arteries). And my dear lovely Madonna, I remember seeing your ripped, muscley arms bench pressing a Honda Civic, and I knew I found the old woman of my limited dreams. But when the three of us got together, the sparks were enough to set a country, nay a universe on fire. We were and still are explosive together, sorta like a black man at a Michael Richards fan club meeting, but in a good way. You know?

But now, I'm not sure whether we can sustain it. My love for you is beginning to falter. Not because of lack of want, because I want you more than a medium rare cheeseburger, but I'm just getting too damn tired. I'm not the same man anymore. You've drained me of everything, including gallons and gallons of semen. Has it been worth it? Sure, but I don't think it's sustainable. We must end this now or all of us will suffer. I've seen it in your eyes too. The vacant looks, the expressionless staring - it's all so clear to me. You want out, and you want out now. It's okay, I think it's for the best.

Please, don't misunderstand me, I want this to continue. For the sake of our lives, and our shattered careers (trust me, I've seen your recent movies...they suck), it's time to end this. We could do a ritual suicide, but the easier way is probably just to go our separate directions. Probably.

I bid thee farewell. You will always remain my favorite love triangle ever. Except for the one with Lindsay Lohan and George the Animal Steele, but that's another story....

All of my Love,
John Ratzenberger


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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