Sunday, May 27, 2007

I'm Excited For Jail Too!

Dear Paris,

Are you getting ready for the big house? Are ya'? Are ya'? I'm certainly getting ready to go to jail. I just can't wait until that jury convicts me and sends my ass off to prison. You thought I had a wall of sound before? Just wait till I get behind those prison walls...then my sound will really amplify! I'm just afraid that prison life may affect my hair a bit. I mean, I've heard it can be dank and humid in those cells and I certainly wouldn't want my hair to go all frizzy. What you see today is actually a good day with all my hair straightening gel lathered on nice and thick. You should see me on a bad hair day! Girrrrrrrrl, you wouldn't believe it.

So how's everything else going? Things are okay with me. I get up, cry a little bit, masturbate to dreams of John Denver reciting erotic poetry over a subtle wall of sound, cry some more, and then sleep the rest of the day. That is, when I'm not in court. How about you? Things going okay for you? I heard that you were doing something with somebody at that place where people come to see things, know...I could be wrong. I've been wrong before. Like about about that a-hole Lana Clarkson. Bitch just didn't listen to me and...well...oh wait...I shouldn't say anything. Guess I'm still on trial and all that stuff. Hell, everyone knows I'm guilty, but I guess I shouldn't out and out confess...yet.

ANYWHOO....I guess I should go back to masturbating and crying. You should try that too. Although, don't film it. The true joy of "tearful ejaculation" (that's a term I coined) only is experienced during solitary confinement...something you're going to get very used to for at least 23 days.

Tearfully and Spunkfully,
Phil Spector


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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