Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Madonna Caught in Love Triangle With Matthew Mcconaughey and John Ratzenberger

Dear Madonna and Matthew,

I love both of you. Heartily. Lustfully. Eagerly. Orgasmically. But this triangle we have here is beginning to wear me down. It's tough to give out so much love on such a frequent basis. I'm only so much man! Yes, I'm a hell of a man, and I once played a postman on TV, but I'm still just a mortal. Flesh and blood, you know? And your carnal and emotional demands on me are just too taxing and I'm beginning to crack. Why must you love me so much, my sweet Madonna and Matthew?

It started out all innocently. Matthew, when I first met you, you had your shirt off and your package was glistening in the Florida sun (like usual), and my heart literally stopped for a second (it turns out it was just clogged arteries). And my dear lovely Madonna, I remember seeing your ripped, muscley arms bench pressing a Honda Civic, and I knew I found the old woman of my limited dreams. But when the three of us got together, the sparks were enough to set a country, nay a universe on fire. We were and still are explosive together, sorta like a black man at a Michael Richards fan club meeting, but in a good way. You know?

But now, I'm not sure whether we can sustain it. My love for you is beginning to falter. Not because of lack of want, because I want you more than a medium rare cheeseburger, but I'm just getting too damn tired. I'm not the same man anymore. You've drained me of everything, including gallons and gallons of semen. Has it been worth it? Sure, but I don't think it's sustainable. We must end this now or all of us will suffer. I've seen it in your eyes too. The vacant looks, the expressionless staring - it's all so clear to me. You want out, and you want out now. It's okay, I think it's for the best.

Please, don't misunderstand me, I want this to continue. For the sake of our lives, and our shattered careers (trust me, I've seen your recent movies...they suck), it's time to end this. We could do a ritual suicide, but the easier way is probably just to go our separate directions. Probably.

I bid thee farewell. You will always remain my favorite love triangle ever. Except for the one with Lindsay Lohan and George the Animal Steele, but that's another story....

All of my Love,
John Ratzenberger


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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Blogger dmbmeg said...

You mean John has been cheating on me this whole time? Sniff...

10:51 PM  

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