Monday, June 18, 2007

I Am A Baby Machine


I would like to formally introduce myself. My name is Julia Roberts and I am a certified baby machine. I churn them out like nobody's bidness. I was put on this earth for one reason - get inseminated and pop out children. Britney Spears and Katie Holmes are amateurs compared to me. I'm all uterus. I was born on the planet utero and speak uteran. And I love to procreate.

My children - Hazel, Phinnaeus, and now Henry - understand that they are simply 3 of many grown-up zygotes to come. I'm so fertile that I just conceived while writing this. In fact, one time I ate at KFC and got fertilized by the fried chicken skin when it fell on my lap. Most people get a grease stain. I get morning sickness.

Soon my kin will overrun the world, and I will control you all! Wait, sorry, didn't mean to ramble there. What I meant to say was, I love having children! And you all love me for my child-bearing ability. And long legs. And red hair. And girl-next-door quality. And my unassuming, but ever-present lust for power. Um...I meant my smile.

Gotta go. I think I just got pregnant again.

Julia Roberts


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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