Friday, June 01, 2007

I’m Not Sure You Understand Who I Am

Dear World,

Do you know who I am? I’m Wil Wheaton. That’s right, I am THE Wil Wheaton, star of TV, movies, the Internet and any other forum for projecting moving images with sound in a cohesive story. Wil fucking Wheaton, do you need me to say it louder? Wait, do you want me to say it again? Watch out, because I’ve been known to get women pregnant just by saying Wil Wheaton. Ah…there it is. You pregnant yet? I am. And I just gave birth. It was a beautiful thing, but you knew that already because I’m Wil Wheaton.

Do you want to arm wrestle? I dare you. Seriously, try me and see how you’ll do against my bulging biceps and piercing stare. My gaze will strike fear in you and immediately cause your wrist to go limp. Not that it will matter for I’m strong enough to beat you on my own, but I like adding insult to injury. I invented that phrase. I invented a lot of things because I’m Wil Fucking wheaton, with a capital Fucking, a capital Wil, and a lowercase wheaton. I am the greatest thing to ever inhabit Earth or Mars. Poems have been written about me, stories have been told in honor of me, and cats have been spayed to praise me. And I will beat you in arm wrestling.

Let’s go over my credits one by one. No, let’s not do that, but let’s think about what it would have been like to do that. Amazing, right? That’s what I thought. I will mention one of my roles because it stands out among the rest. Star Trek the Next Generation is the role I’m talking about, of course. The part of Wesley Crusher was written specifically for me, Wil Fucking Wheaton, even before the show was conceived. You may laugh (although you shouldn’t), but I’m being dead serious. The original working title was Wesley Crusher the Lothario Extraordinaire and the Adventures of the Starship Enterprise. An anti-Wheaton person (amazing that such a person exists, but he does) recommended a few changes and the show that you saw for 7 years was created. Appalling, I know, but the impact I had on the show was still apparent and my legacy still lives on for hundreds of generations to see.

In conclusion, I want to remind you that I am, of course, Wil Fucking Wheaton, man about town and dominator of your mind, body, and soul. I’m not asking you to worship me, I’m telling you to do so. Do you know who I am? Look it up. And then commit it to memory because there’ll be a quiz later, and I’m a tough grader. I mean, why wouldn’t I be? After all, I am Wil Fucking Wheaton.

I Piss On Your Graves,
Wil Wheaton


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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