Friday, June 08, 2007

Please Send Me Back To Jail



Dear Mr. Jail Warden-Type-Person or Judge or Policeman or Nun or Whatever,

Don't send me home from jail. Please, I beg you from the bottom of my well-fucked heart. I really don't want to go home. Sure, I may be on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but that's true pretty much all of the time, so why should my time in jail be any different. I mean, like, would someone who was sane continue to videotape herself having sex over and over and over again even though it keeps getting stolen and uploaded to the internet. Okay, maybe that was a bad question because that describes half the women in Hollywood. Then again, most of Hollywood is crazy. Well, except Tom Sizemore. He's hot. Anyway, my point is...I don't know. Just don't send me home. I'll tell you why.

You see, I want to learn my lesson. Ha ha...just kidding. I actually just want to be prison raped. Like, don't misunderstand me, I don't want to be raped in the Kobe Bryant or Joe Francis type of way. I want to be prison raped in the Showtime Saturday night after dark type of way. You know, where I'm going to take a shower, and I stay in the shower for 20 minutes lathering myself up with soap even though a prison shouldn't really have soap that lathers that much, and then a short-haired and somewhat weary-on-the-eyes but still strangely attractive convict approaches me and softly offers to help. I'm sure you know the rest. Prison rape-a-palooza! That's what I really want to happen, but unfortunately it won't happen if you send me home. So please send me back to jail.

I guess that's all for now. I'm going to go watch some Showtime and...uh...get ready for jail again! :) :) :) :) :) :) That's a lot of smiley faces.


Love,
Paris Hilton


[Ed Note: Although we write about it frequently, we don't condone prison rape. Well, unless Joe Francis or Paris Hilton are involved.]


******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


Tags: , , ,

Labels: , ,

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK, I have a great idea. Now, hear me out, this is really cool:

Paris is in the prison shower, late at night after a looong day of sorting laundry or something. The earlier idea of soap and lather, and long, closed-eyed rinsing as she slowly turns under the stream of stinging hot water. That's stuff's great, we'll use that.

OK. Now here's where it really gets good. The guys at HBO are gonna eat this up. A quarter shot from just behind her left shoulder, slowed, with the light behind camera. The curve of her left breast is visible as she turns back and forth under the water, eyes closed. Got it? She tuns right to shut off the water, eyes still closed, ok? We see just the tip of her right breast as she turns, but not too much, see. Then she reaches for her towel, can't see anything, and her hand misses the towel and touches...

JENNIFER!

She's waiting for Paris! Get it?? Prison romance. Jennifer with short hair and three or four earrings. Half-smile. Chewing gum. The butterfly will be just he right touch...

Hey. Where're you guys going? Don't you want to hear about the exercise scene with the guard and...

8:03 AM  
Blogger A Concerned Fan said...

Send that to Hollywood. If Tim Allen can keep getting parts, then I'm sure this will make it.

1:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hollywood turned it down a month or three ago; those guys are soooo behind the power curve, so it's no big deal. Everything's straight to blu-ray now anyway. Or on the net.

I sent it to a group in Florida that does custom scenes with lookalikes. Just waiting to hear back from them. I had to send a deposit, you know, to reserve the actors and rent the hotel space for the shots. Pretty much maxed out the card, so I have high hopes for this one, but I'm really feeling pretty good about it.

Does anybody know where we can find a Tim Allen lookalike for the guard scene? That would be sweet...

2:46 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home

eXTReMe Tracker