Saturday, July 21, 2007

In My First Act As President

Dear America,

In my first act as President, I'm going to kill 19 kittens and 47 bunnies. And one water buffalo with dingleberries on its ass. Just shoot them with my hand cannon. Argggh!! That should make those liberals squirm like the dogs they are. I am the President of the World and you can't stop me, you liberal terrorists. I'm going to simulcast the killings on TV and then loop it over and over until that idiot takes over as President again when he's finished with his bi-decade Katie Couric. But just before he takes over, I'm going to sign an Executive Order requiring that this kitten-and-bunny-cide occurs at least twice year, on both my birthdays. Yes, I have two birthdays. And they come whenever I want. Because I'm Dick Cheney and you're not, you little bitches!

You ever see a bunny die up close? I have. Every week I see it when I kill them on my birthday. That's right, I have a birthday every week. Every day is Dick Cheney day! I just had a birthday five minutes ago, and as President, I'm going to make it a national holiday. Every day of the year will be Dick Cheney Day where you can torture inmates, keep things secret from the American public, and headbutt 5 year olds. I'm President right now and I can do what I want, which includes eating bran muffins in bed. I need the fiber.

Now all of you bow to me. Bow to my bald skull and palsey-shaped mouth! I grimace in your general direction. I am Dick Cheney and I'm celebrating my 90th birthday in the last 10 minutes. And I'm going to kill a bunny right now. Watch it die!!! Oh, and if you get a chance, can you win the Iraq war for me? Thanks.

Love and Cuddles,
Dick Cheney


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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