Thursday, August 30, 2007

An Open Letter from Luke Wilson to Owen Wilson

Dear Bro,

Wow, man. I mean, wow. Why you gotta try to off yourself like that? Life is good, Broseph. The world is your oyster. You're my boy, Blue! Wait, that was Will Ferrell's line. Your my brother, and I'm deeply hurt that you would try to kill yourself. That means you hate me and don't want to be my brother anymore. Yes, it's all about me. I play this selfless everyman character in a ton of movies, but in reality I'm as selfish as the most selfishist selfish lord the world has ever seen. You should know that as I never used to share anything. Even my kidney when you needed it growing up. It's all about me, and that's why I'm offended that you tried to kill yourself.

Why don't you like me anymore? We used to be the tightest of tight brothers. But then I went and had a taste of Bea Arthur's Vagina and you stopped talking to me. Maybe that's what caused you to be jealous of me. You wanted a taste too. Not having a taste of the almighty BAV would cause any man to go crazy, but suicide? That's a bit harsh, bro. You may want to explore other options in the future. Homicide. Genicide. Oinkicide (the killing of pigs). Just not suicide.

I'd like to help you out, but I don't know how. Not because I don't know you, but because I don't know how to help anyone but myself. Although I'm not too good at helping myself either. Have you seen My Super Ex-Girlfriend? I kind of considered suicide after that one, as well. But I didn't do it? Why? I don't know. But I just didn't. And neither should you. So, take some time off and get yourself better and then reevaluate your life. If at that point you still don't want to live, call Britney Spears and she'll take care of you. I don't mean "take care of you" in a Mafia way. I mean she can become your mother and then kill you by bad parenting. Funny, huh? Yup, I still got it. I'm a laugh a minute.

Take it easy bro, and avoid those knives. They're a bitch on the wrists.

Luke Wilson


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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Thursday, August 23, 2007

A Hearty Congrats from Jiminy Cricket

We just received this letter from a fan of the site, and we thought we'd post it as recent blogging has been at a standstill. Apologies, as the chief editor has been off in a strange land getting married to a girl who is way out of his league so he's doing everything he can not to screw it up.

Dear Concerned Fan,

Congrats on your upcoming marriage on Saturday. That really doesn't explain why you've been posting at such an absurdly slow rate in the past few weeks, but we'll give you the benefit of the doubt this time. This time. Next time I'll tell you to bend over while Pinocchio tells a lie, if you know what I mean. If you don't know what I mean, I'm talking about shoving a wooden nose up your caboose. Capisce? No, I'm not Italian, I just like talking like one. Why do you think I'm Italian? I'm a fucking cricket - I don't have a nationality. Ah...forget about it.

Anyway, I know things have been crazy for you, but I wanted to give you some advice as you plunge headlong into a life of just one pussy. For starters, don't ever tell your wife she's fat. I had a buddy who did that, and his wife bit his head off. Granted, she's a cricket and that's what crickets tend to do, but that's beside the point. Yes, I know you're thinking I'm confusing crickets with grasshoppers, but you don't know the fucking crickets that I run with. They'd make you want to bite off your own head, if you know what I'm fucking talking about. Capisce?

As I was saying, I wish you the best of luck with your nuptials. My wife, well, she's a fucking piece of work. You know that song I sing? The one about wishing on a fucking star, and all that jazz? Well, the star is actually a metaphor for my wife's pussy. I'm wishing that I can have another one. Man oh man did I regret ever getting married. Wait, scratch that. I'm supposed to be wishing you luck. Much luck, my friend, in this crazy thing called marriage. Don't cheat, make lots of money, and don't name your kid Gepetto, and you'll be okay. Capisce? Capisce. You fuckin' crazy kid.

Yours in Life,
Jiminy Cricket


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Monday, August 13, 2007

Rove to Join Lindsay Lohan on Party Circuit

Washington, D.C. (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Karl Rove, long-time servant of George W. Bush and Mephistopheles has announced his resignation from the White House staff in order to pursue new opportunities on the young celebrity party circuit with the likes of Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, and Patton Oswalt. Rove has always been known for his legendary White House keggers, and now he has a chance to live up to his nickname as the White House Chief of Beer when he starts clubbing with the panty-less duo.

It's not unprecedented for a White House staffer to resign and then join the ranks of the Hollywood "young and washed up" crew. When Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney left the Ford White House, they immediately joined Leif Garrett on the party circuit, introducing him to cocaine and ultimately hastening his ruination. Rove, always a fan of Dick, has wanted to follow in his footsteps for a long time and now will have a chance. The timing of the move is unsurprising, as Rove is facing 657 different federal investigations for potential crimes committed.

Sources close to Lohan indicate that she's excited to see the legendary Maestro of Malevolence in action. Sources close to Britney Spears don't indicate anything as they were too busy cleaning up her most recent vomit. No official word yet from the Rove camp, as they were performing their daily goat sacrifice to the Dark Lord, but White House Press Secretary Tony Snow indicated that Rove is looking forward to the new challenge of further corrupting a segment of the population that appears to have little room for further corruption. He followed his comment with a sinister laugh.


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