Thursday, August 23, 2007

A Hearty Congrats from Jiminy Cricket

We just received this letter from a fan of the site, and we thought we'd post it as recent blogging has been at a standstill. Apologies, as the chief editor has been off in a strange land getting married to a girl who is way out of his league so he's doing everything he can not to screw it up.

Dear Concerned Fan,

Congrats on your upcoming marriage on Saturday. That really doesn't explain why you've been posting at such an absurdly slow rate in the past few weeks, but we'll give you the benefit of the doubt this time. This time. Next time I'll tell you to bend over while Pinocchio tells a lie, if you know what I mean. If you don't know what I mean, I'm talking about shoving a wooden nose up your caboose. Capisce? No, I'm not Italian, I just like talking like one. Why do you think I'm Italian? I'm a fucking cricket - I don't have a nationality. Ah...forget about it.

Anyway, I know things have been crazy for you, but I wanted to give you some advice as you plunge headlong into a life of just one pussy. For starters, don't ever tell your wife she's fat. I had a buddy who did that, and his wife bit his head off. Granted, she's a cricket and that's what crickets tend to do, but that's beside the point. Yes, I know you're thinking I'm confusing crickets with grasshoppers, but you don't know the fucking crickets that I run with. They'd make you want to bite off your own head, if you know what I'm fucking talking about. Capisce?

As I was saying, I wish you the best of luck with your nuptials. My wife, well, she's a fucking piece of work. You know that song I sing? The one about wishing on a fucking star, and all that jazz? Well, the star is actually a metaphor for my wife's pussy. I'm wishing that I can have another one. Man oh man did I regret ever getting married. Wait, scratch that. I'm supposed to be wishing you luck. Much luck, my friend, in this crazy thing called marriage. Don't cheat, make lots of money, and don't name your kid Gepetto, and you'll be okay. Capisce? Capisce. You fuckin' crazy kid.

Yours in Life,
Jiminy Cricket


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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