Thursday, September 27, 2007

Jon Cryer Reviews Navy Seals

We're starting a new feature this week. Every Thursday a B-List celebrity (is there really any other kind?) will do a movie review of a classic movie that was severely under-appreciated in its own time. Through our experience with Wilford Brimley and Gary Coleman, we've learned that the best way to treat a B-List celebrity is just to give him/her free reign to write whatever they want. And with that, we present Jon Cryer's review of "Navy Seals".

Good Afternoon,

As too many of you know, I am co-star with Charlie Sheen in a little TV show called "Three Men and a Little Lady," or something similar to that. In that show we play a gay couple who have adopted an orphan black child and are raising him to be a successful chiropractor. Or something similar to that concept. Over the past few years, I've gotten to know Charlie Sheen pretty darn well. We're almost on a first name basis at this point! With great and long-lasting friendship comes idol worship, of course, and I am in full-out Charlie Sheen worshipping mode. Let me tell you: the man can act and that's a fact, Jack. I know this from working with him and from watching his movies - all of them. Yes, I've seen all of them. Allow me to explain.

You see, I have a mild form of autism and really don't enjoy socializing with other human beings. Or at least that's what I tell myself to justify my lack of substantial and meaningful friendships. Anyway, as a result of my "autism" I spend most of my Friday nights alone eating Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream and watching old movies. By old I mean prior to 2005. After signing on to "Three Men and a Baby: The Series" with Charlie Sheen, I figured I'd watch his old movies to see what I was getting myself into. All I have to say is wow. What a career. I could go on and on and on about all of the great films in which he's appeared (e.g. Platoon, Major League II, Good Advice), but for today I want to focus on his best: Navy Seals.

Picture an action movie where the good guys win, the tough guy gets the girl, the young rookie makes a mistake that costs his black friend's life but then learns from his mistake to save the tough guy in the end, and the bad guys speak in a funny language. Throw in a golf montage scene with ridiculously short 1980s shorts, a nerdy Star Wars reference, and a predictable plot with comically simple expositional dialogue that allows a child of 4 to grasp what's going on and you have the makings of a smash hit! Oh yeah, throw in a little Charlie Sheen and you have one of the greatest movies of all time! I have no idea why it only made $800,000 at the box office ($600,000 of which coming from repeated Emilio Estevez viewings). What more can you want in an action movie? I don't want coherence or character development or differentiation from other action movies. When I see an action movie, I want to know exactly what's going to happen before it happens. That way I won't be surprised with any suspense crap!

Take, for example, the scene where they blow things up. Classic! How about the scene where they kill bad guys or make fun of those stodgy boss people? Awesome! Have I mentioned the 80's short-shorts golf montage? Oh yeah, I did. Sorry. The fact that this movie never plays on cable anymore and I saw it on sale at a yard sale for 40 cents amazes me. This should sell for $400 Canadian dollars. That's how good it is. People are totally missing out.

But there's hope. I spoke with Charlie the other day on set and he said that he's putting together a Collector's Edition with DVD extras. Okay, that's a lie. I didn't really speak to him on set as I'm not allowed to talk directly to him (I communicate via the black orphan child on our show). But I imagine that's what he would have said if we did speak. He's great that way. Once I saw him without his shirt on and I totally lost control of my bowels!

It's time for me to go now and work on my preparation for next week's episode. We're doing a special two-part episode where the black orphan child rejects his calling as a chiropractor and decides to go into dentistry. Our show is funny!

Jon Cryer


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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Wednesday, September 19, 2007

President Bush Wants An Emmy

Dear America,

I want an Emmy! C'mon people, I deserve one of them Emmy thangs. After all, I am the only acting President now, right? That has to mean something. I know it'll never happen because it's that damn liberal intelligensia who vote on the award, but I've had some damn fine TV moments where I've acted my Texas ass off. For instance, remember when I talked about Mission Accomplished? That was great acting because none of what I said was true. Some people in America may have accused me of lying or trumping up stuff. No, no, no. It's acting. When I said I would fire anyone involved in the leaking of that Plame woman, and then didn't do anything when Rovey-boy was caught. I didn't go back on my word. I never had a word! You see, I was acting. Acting! That's why I deserve an Emmy type thing.

Don't let that James Spader guy fool you, I'm the best acting man, or whatever they call that award. I wear my shirt with the sleeves rolled up when I'm really trying to act. That's my way of showing you American people that I am acting because I'm so good that you wouldn't know if I didn't tell you. In the middle of some of my speeches, I've thought about turning to the camera and saying, "Ha ha! I'm acting. You didn't know that!" Like when I kept supporting that Attorney General Alberto guy even though everyone hated him. I was acting, but you had no idea. That's how good I am. If that doesn't deserve an Emmy, then I don't know what does. Maybe Jessica Alba for that new movie. No wait, that's an Oscar Meyer.

I'll let you go now, cuz you have important things to do. I have to go run a country. Unfortunately, I don't have an Emmy to help me run the country, but you can't have everything. If I could have one thing in this world, it would be an Emmy. And then maybe world peace and prosperity. But first my Emmy, cuz then I could use it to beat up silly Democrats. Ha ha! Acting again. Or was I?

Actingly Yours,
George W. Bush


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Britney Explains Her Meltdown

Hey Y'all,

I'd like to officially apologize for my awful VMA performance. Although I take NO responsibility for my actions and blame my lackluster performance on lots of stuff, that, you know, was distracting and stuff. I mean, can you believe that Sarah Silverman asshole? She totally made fun of my shaved pussy! The only thing allowed to comment on my shaved pussy is another shaved pussy. Isn't that right, Mr. Shaved Pussy?

That's right. So, shut your damn trap you unfunny person and stuff. I'm talking to you Sarah Silverman! Don't make me start telling Jewish jokes. No really, don't make me tell them. I don't know any and I'll look even more stupider.

Look, y'all, I don't want to keep apologizing for everything I do. Clearly it's going to be wrong to you people (by you people I mean the civilized world), but I don't care about being wrong. I just care about going out there and giving it my all, or at least 30%, and hoping for the best. Sometimes, like at the VMAs, I'm a bit distracted and only give 15%, while holding back the other 105%, or whatever the numbers work out to be and stuff. That's cuz I was distracted, y'all. Distracted by Sarah Silverman. Distracted by the two things I quefed out of my shaved pussy (I'm talking 'bout my kids, y'all). Distracted by the rampant rise of the global military-industrial complex and stuff. I'm just very distracted, y'all, and that's why I looked like I was hopped up on goofballs onstage the other day. It ain't my fault, so don't blame me! But I still wanted to apologize. Understand?

So I hope you'll go out and buy my album, because I need the money, y'all. K-Fed and Brad Garrett have been occupying all of my time, but all 20 minutes of the preparation that I put into the album have been worth it. It's gonna be a rocking good time, y'all. Why? Cuz it's Britney, bitch! Yeah, that sounds adult!

Love and Grits,
Britney Spears


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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Thursday, September 06, 2007

The Evolution of Creationism

(We now take a brief respite from celebrity gossip for an offbeat editorial. With thanks to C. Cruz and E Gangnath for the illustration and Life Regurgitated for editorial assistance...)

Creationists are full of shit. There, I said it. Too blunt for you? Sorry, but there’s no subtle way to state the glaringly obvious. The world was not created in seven days and 24 hours, and that’s final. No ifs, ands or J-Lo butts. The world was created over billions of years through the natural processes of mutation, sex, and…well…sex. G-d did not create Adam early one day from dust and Eve later that day from Adam’s rib. Adam and Eve did not live in the Garden of Eden. A snake did not advise Eve to eat a forbidden apple filled with knowledge. Those are all lies. In reality, monkeys had sex with each other, monkeys had sex with gardens, monkeys had sex with dust, monkeys had sex with snakes, and then monkeys ate apples when they were too tired to have more sex. Somewhere along the line this produced humans. And that is evolution in a nutshell; you have sex with enough things and sooner or later you’ll evolve. It’s really quite simple.

But what do I know? I’m not a scientist or a priest or a rabbi or a Unitarian. I’m just a simple Jewish man, and not even really that Jewish to boot. I’m a JINO, or Jew In Name Only, so maybe I can’t be considered an authority on such a deep religious matter. I mean, the closest I’ve come to actually embracing my own Judaism was when I hooked up with a Jewish girl during Passover one year. But I don’t care. I’m an American, and being uninformed has never stopped Americans from voicing their opinions. As a good jingoistic American it’s my G-d given right – nay, my duty – to make my opinion known and then attempt to stifle dissent.

Getting back to it, I’m not saying that the actual act of Creation never happened. Who can say that for certain? I’m just saying that the whole darn process didn’t happen 6000 years ago in seven distinct 24 hour days. Some form of Creation may have occurred, but the whole process began a lot earlier and took a lot longer. You just can’t argue with that fact. It is a bona-fide truth that can be backed up with piles upon piles of scientific evidence. And if you can’t trust science, then who can you trust? Science has brought us light bulbs and computers and space ships and the android commonly known as Dick Clark. Clearly we should give them the benefit of the doubt in this instance.

Supporting the theory of evolution does not require a full abandonment of religion. I don’t think anyone wants Creationists to give up their respective religions. Okay, that’s a lie – Communists do. Then again, Communism in its purest form abolishes all eternal truths such as religion and morality…but that’s a conversation for another day. My point is that rational religious people (what a wonderful oxymoron) can and do interweave faith and science. It doesn’t have to be the way of strict Creationists, who don’t mix the two. Strict Creationists believe that faith and science go together like oil and water, Iraq and Iran, and my ex-girlfriend and monogamy. For these wackos, Creation as written in the bible is absolute truth, and all other theories are 100% invalid. According to strict Creationists, the Big Bang is what happens on your wedding night and survival of the fittest is what occurs when plates are scarce at the salad bar at Sizzler’s. What a sad, bullshit-filled world in which they live.

As many, many, many, many, many commentators have already stated (i.e., I won’t belabor this point), the Bible should be read as a combination of detailed instructions, lessons, allegories, and odd ritualistic goat sacrifices. Every story, lesson, and proclamation should not be translated as literal truth, otherwise contradictions would abound. For example, if all humans are supposed to be crafted in the Lord’s image, then does G-d have both male and female qualities? In other words, is G-d a transvestite or a transsexual? If so, does that mean the long-flowing robes we’ve seen G-d wearing in drawings are actually dresses? These are the types of questions that arise if you take the Bible too seriously.

Another important thing to note is that believing in evolution does not diminish the perceived magnitude of an Almighty’s existence. On the contrary, it gives G-d more credit for His work. Seriously, the 7-24 Creation story does not cast the omnipotent Yahweh in the best of lights. First of all, He needed a full day of rest after finishing his work. If He’s so great and powerful, why does he need to take a break? Is He part of a union or something? If that’s the case, maybe John 3:16 is actually the name of the local teamster organization. Regardless, any way you look at it the strict Creationist version of Earth’s beginnings casts G-d as a lazy underachiever. Suck it up, G-d, and get back to work.

The other part of the 7-24 Creation story that positions G-d in a negative light is the famous apple-eating incident. How infallible can G-d be if His first great creation fucks up so badly in such a short time period? Barely a week goes by before Adam and Eve blatantly disobey their creator by chowing down on that Granny Smith apple. That’s not free will. That’s not G-d’s plan. That’s nothing more than shoddy workmanship! If G-d lived in Detroit and manufactured cars for a living, this crappy type of work would put Him out of business in less than a year. Think about all the recalls He’d have to handle!

On the other hand, evolution (by way of some form of Creation), makes G-d look ingenious. Assuming G-d had humans in mind when he created this whole shebang, an assumption you have to make to be Christian or Jewish, then He must have had an immense amount of foresight. Only a true genius could plan out what we’d look like after billions and billions of years of gradual evolution. Any idiot can make a man in a week. Great geniuses can see beyond the now and look the past the when to see the then.

In conclusion, Creationists are full of shit. They hide behind a web of deceit, denying what’s painfully obvious to all that choose to look. Sadly, their message of ignorance has been spreading, infecting America faster than a drug resistant strain of syphilis. Only we, the great and powerful liberal intelligentsia, can put a stop to their madness. We must band together and fight for our right to evolve. Otherwise, my Darwin-loving friends, the sickness will grow too strong to stop, and we may find ourselves cast out of the great Garden of Eden we call America.

Can I get an Amen? Hallelujah.


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Tom Brady Misses Charmed

Dear TNT,

I miss Charmed. I just watched a couple of episodes this morning and now I have to wait a whole 2 hours for the next 9 episodes to run. And then I'll have to wait another 1 hour for the next 8 episodes. That's a long time to wait for a Charmed episode! I'm used to getting what I want, and I don't like this "delay" that's happening. You know what that must mean? You're not running enough Charmed episodes each day. It's time to up the daily Charmed quotient from 14 episodes to 22. I want almost a full day of Charmed every day. I don't care if you eliminate every other program. It'll be worth it not to have that empty feeling in between episodes. Who needs NBA basketball or The Closer or 789th viewing of Shawshank Redemption? Not me. I just want me some witches, some cleavage, and...well...that's about all I need to get through the day.

You see, I just brought a child into the world. Well, technically, I just created it, but that's not my point. My point is that the fruit of my manseed needs to be raised in world where he doesn't have to miss Charmed at all. If he wants Charmed, he should be able to get Charmed, without using that newfangled Tivo contraption. He should just look at his TV and say, "Give me Alyssa Milano in a non-soft-core-porn role other than Who's the Boss?," and Charmed should pop on the screen. On a side note, have you ever seen an episode of Who's the Boss? recently? Definitely does NOT hold up the same as some of those 80's sitcom hits (e.g., Cheers). Tony Danza is just dreadful. But I digress.

Look, I don't want to cause trouble for anyone over at TNT. Don't fire anyone or bury them in some subordinate role like opening fan mail for Dr. John Carter on ER. Just heed my advice and play Charmed more times a day. You don't play it nearly enough right now and I miss it when it's not on. A lot. Almost as much as I'll miss Rodney Harrison for the first few weeks. Who am I kidding, I miss it more. Please stop the pain, TNT. Give me the crack that I crave. More Charmed!!

Yours in Football,
Tom Brady


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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