Thursday, September 06, 2007

The Evolution of Creationism


(We now take a brief respite from celebrity gossip for an offbeat editorial. With thanks to C. Cruz and E Gangnath for the illustration and Life Regurgitated for editorial assistance...)

Creationists are full of shit. There, I said it. Too blunt for you? Sorry, but there’s no subtle way to state the glaringly obvious. The world was not created in seven days and 24 hours, and that’s final. No ifs, ands or J-Lo butts. The world was created over billions of years through the natural processes of mutation, sex, and…well…sex. G-d did not create Adam early one day from dust and Eve later that day from Adam’s rib. Adam and Eve did not live in the Garden of Eden. A snake did not advise Eve to eat a forbidden apple filled with knowledge. Those are all lies. In reality, monkeys had sex with each other, monkeys had sex with gardens, monkeys had sex with dust, monkeys had sex with snakes, and then monkeys ate apples when they were too tired to have more sex. Somewhere along the line this produced humans. And that is evolution in a nutshell; you have sex with enough things and sooner or later you’ll evolve. It’s really quite simple.

But what do I know? I’m not a scientist or a priest or a rabbi or a Unitarian. I’m just a simple Jewish man, and not even really that Jewish to boot. I’m a JINO, or Jew In Name Only, so maybe I can’t be considered an authority on such a deep religious matter. I mean, the closest I’ve come to actually embracing my own Judaism was when I hooked up with a Jewish girl during Passover one year. But I don’t care. I’m an American, and being uninformed has never stopped Americans from voicing their opinions. As a good jingoistic American it’s my G-d given right – nay, my duty – to make my opinion known and then attempt to stifle dissent.

Getting back to it, I’m not saying that the actual act of Creation never happened. Who can say that for certain? I’m just saying that the whole darn process didn’t happen 6000 years ago in seven distinct 24 hour days. Some form of Creation may have occurred, but the whole process began a lot earlier and took a lot longer. You just can’t argue with that fact. It is a bona-fide truth that can be backed up with piles upon piles of scientific evidence. And if you can’t trust science, then who can you trust? Science has brought us light bulbs and computers and space ships and the android commonly known as Dick Clark. Clearly we should give them the benefit of the doubt in this instance.

Supporting the theory of evolution does not require a full abandonment of religion. I don’t think anyone wants Creationists to give up their respective religions. Okay, that’s a lie – Communists do. Then again, Communism in its purest form abolishes all eternal truths such as religion and morality…but that’s a conversation for another day. My point is that rational religious people (what a wonderful oxymoron) can and do interweave faith and science. It doesn’t have to be the way of strict Creationists, who don’t mix the two. Strict Creationists believe that faith and science go together like oil and water, Iraq and Iran, and my ex-girlfriend and monogamy. For these wackos, Creation as written in the bible is absolute truth, and all other theories are 100% invalid. According to strict Creationists, the Big Bang is what happens on your wedding night and survival of the fittest is what occurs when plates are scarce at the salad bar at Sizzler’s. What a sad, bullshit-filled world in which they live.

As many, many, many, many, many commentators have already stated (i.e., I won’t belabor this point), the Bible should be read as a combination of detailed instructions, lessons, allegories, and odd ritualistic goat sacrifices. Every story, lesson, and proclamation should not be translated as literal truth, otherwise contradictions would abound. For example, if all humans are supposed to be crafted in the Lord’s image, then does G-d have both male and female qualities? In other words, is G-d a transvestite or a transsexual? If so, does that mean the long-flowing robes we’ve seen G-d wearing in drawings are actually dresses? These are the types of questions that arise if you take the Bible too seriously.

Another important thing to note is that believing in evolution does not diminish the perceived magnitude of an Almighty’s existence. On the contrary, it gives G-d more credit for His work. Seriously, the 7-24 Creation story does not cast the omnipotent Yahweh in the best of lights. First of all, He needed a full day of rest after finishing his work. If He’s so great and powerful, why does he need to take a break? Is He part of a union or something? If that’s the case, maybe John 3:16 is actually the name of the local teamster organization. Regardless, any way you look at it the strict Creationist version of Earth’s beginnings casts G-d as a lazy underachiever. Suck it up, G-d, and get back to work.

The other part of the 7-24 Creation story that positions G-d in a negative light is the famous apple-eating incident. How infallible can G-d be if His first great creation fucks up so badly in such a short time period? Barely a week goes by before Adam and Eve blatantly disobey their creator by chowing down on that Granny Smith apple. That’s not free will. That’s not G-d’s plan. That’s nothing more than shoddy workmanship! If G-d lived in Detroit and manufactured cars for a living, this crappy type of work would put Him out of business in less than a year. Think about all the recalls He’d have to handle!

On the other hand, evolution (by way of some form of Creation), makes G-d look ingenious. Assuming G-d had humans in mind when he created this whole shebang, an assumption you have to make to be Christian or Jewish, then He must have had an immense amount of foresight. Only a true genius could plan out what we’d look like after billions and billions of years of gradual evolution. Any idiot can make a man in a week. Great geniuses can see beyond the now and look the past the when to see the then.

In conclusion, Creationists are full of shit. They hide behind a web of deceit, denying what’s painfully obvious to all that choose to look. Sadly, their message of ignorance has been spreading, infecting America faster than a drug resistant strain of syphilis. Only we, the great and powerful liberal intelligentsia, can put a stop to their madness. We must band together and fight for our right to evolve. Otherwise, my Darwin-loving friends, the sickness will grow too strong to stop, and we may find ourselves cast out of the great Garden of Eden we call America.

Can I get an Amen? Hallelujah.


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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2 Comments:

Blogger Not Chosen said...

I take full credit for reminding you of this masterpiece.

9:08 PM  
Blogger Gigi said...

And I take full credit for what you already gave me credit for... Err, is it, I take credit for that which you already gave me credit?

Hmmm...prepositions, get ya every time.

9:12 PM  

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