Thursday, September 27, 2007

Jon Cryer Reviews Navy Seals

We're starting a new feature this week. Every Thursday a B-List celebrity (is there really any other kind?) will do a movie review of a classic movie that was severely under-appreciated in its own time. Through our experience with Wilford Brimley and Gary Coleman, we've learned that the best way to treat a B-List celebrity is just to give him/her free reign to write whatever they want. And with that, we present Jon Cryer's review of "Navy Seals".

Good Afternoon,

As too many of you know, I am co-star with Charlie Sheen in a little TV show called "Three Men and a Little Lady," or something similar to that. In that show we play a gay couple who have adopted an orphan black child and are raising him to be a successful chiropractor. Or something similar to that concept. Over the past few years, I've gotten to know Charlie Sheen pretty darn well. We're almost on a first name basis at this point! With great and long-lasting friendship comes idol worship, of course, and I am in full-out Charlie Sheen worshipping mode. Let me tell you: the man can act and that's a fact, Jack. I know this from working with him and from watching his movies - all of them. Yes, I've seen all of them. Allow me to explain.

You see, I have a mild form of autism and really don't enjoy socializing with other human beings. Or at least that's what I tell myself to justify my lack of substantial and meaningful friendships. Anyway, as a result of my "autism" I spend most of my Friday nights alone eating Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream and watching old movies. By old I mean prior to 2005. After signing on to "Three Men and a Baby: The Series" with Charlie Sheen, I figured I'd watch his old movies to see what I was getting myself into. All I have to say is wow. What a career. I could go on and on and on about all of the great films in which he's appeared (e.g. Platoon, Major League II, Good Advice), but for today I want to focus on his best: Navy Seals.

Picture an action movie where the good guys win, the tough guy gets the girl, the young rookie makes a mistake that costs his black friend's life but then learns from his mistake to save the tough guy in the end, and the bad guys speak in a funny language. Throw in a golf montage scene with ridiculously short 1980s shorts, a nerdy Star Wars reference, and a predictable plot with comically simple expositional dialogue that allows a child of 4 to grasp what's going on and you have the makings of a smash hit! Oh yeah, throw in a little Charlie Sheen and you have one of the greatest movies of all time! I have no idea why it only made $800,000 at the box office ($600,000 of which coming from repeated Emilio Estevez viewings). What more can you want in an action movie? I don't want coherence or character development or differentiation from other action movies. When I see an action movie, I want to know exactly what's going to happen before it happens. That way I won't be surprised with any suspense crap!

Take, for example, the scene where they blow things up. Classic! How about the scene where they kill bad guys or make fun of those stodgy boss people? Awesome! Have I mentioned the 80's short-shorts golf montage? Oh yeah, I did. Sorry. The fact that this movie never plays on cable anymore and I saw it on sale at a yard sale for 40 cents amazes me. This should sell for $400 Canadian dollars. That's how good it is. People are totally missing out.

But there's hope. I spoke with Charlie the other day on set and he said that he's putting together a Collector's Edition with DVD extras. Okay, that's a lie. I didn't really speak to him on set as I'm not allowed to talk directly to him (I communicate via the black orphan child on our show). But I imagine that's what he would have said if we did speak. He's great that way. Once I saw him without his shirt on and I totally lost control of my bowels!

It's time for me to go now and work on my preparation for next week's episode. We're doing a special two-part episode where the black orphan child rejects his calling as a chiropractor and decides to go into dentistry. Our show is funny!

Jon Cryer


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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10:34 PM  

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