Thursday, October 25, 2007

David Ortiz Linked to Steroid Investigation

Boston, MA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

David Ortiz, star slugger for the World Series contending Boston Red Sox, was recently linked to the ongoing steroid investigation by Major League Baseball. "Big Papi" as he is known to his bookie and legions of fans and hookers, had often hinted at his own steroid use, but evidence had always been lacking. Recent sperm tests by Bud Selig have confirmed that the previously hyper-fertile Ortiz has actually become completely infertile. Additional genital-sizing tests conducted by Erin Andrews have proven that the slugger's testicles - once reknowned for their impressive girth, weight, and command of the English language - have shrunken to the size of small raisins. Ortiz has vehemently denied the veracity of this new report, releasing a statement that said, "nobody has done nothing to none of my body."

Sources close to Major League Baseball indicate that Ortiz had long been a focus of their investigation due to his close association with Red Sox Nation, the most hated fan base in all of professional sports. However, the investigation had not progressed for many years as Bud Selig had lacked a quality sperm sample to test for infertility. The mighty slugger had been sly, depositing his sperm on his preferred prostitutes' backs instead of inside them, which is where Selig typically looks. The key break came when Red Sox third baseman Mike Lowell suddenly showed up at Selig's office with a sperm sample from Ortiz in his hand. At that point the investigation kicked into full gear.

Repeated calls to the Red Sox organization have been ignored, but sources indicate that the team does not expect to be distracted during the World Series as they are too self-absorbed and self-centered to be bothered by a scandal like this. However, no word yet on whether the investigation will affect manager Terry Francona's decision to play or bench the mammoth DH during the games in Denver. It appears he's going to base his decision, as always, on his daily horoscope.


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