Thursday, October 18, 2007

Lacey Chabert Responds to the Lindsay Lohan Situation



Dear Lindsay,

We were in Mean Girls together. I want to remind you of that in case the cocaine, alcohol, and Valderrama juice made you forget. I was, like, a very important co-star that really helped move along the character development and plot. And I look good in tight clothing. Yummy to be exact! We clear? Good. Now let me tell you what's wrong with your life.

Nothing. Most people don't know this, but I'm an extreme libertarian. Okay, maybe that's not true. In fact, I don't even know what the word libertarian means. Actually, I don't know what extreme means either, but that's irrelevant (I know what that means!). What I'm trying to, like, say and stuff is that you have every right to destroy your life and throw away your fortune. I just want a piece of the action...and I don't mean on screen. Yes, I want your parts, but not the ones on film. I want your lady parts. Mmmm hmmmm. I want a piece of your booty! Gimmeee some of that redhead ass, bitch! Sorry, that's a little bit extreme (I just looked up the meaning, so now I can use it!). But in reality, I want to visit your nether-regions and drink from your cup of life. So to speak.

I'm not a lesbian, I just like touching women in a sexual way. Often. With no men around. In the vicinity of a crossing guard (either sex will do). Is that freaky? Yeah, tell me it's freaky bitch! Sorry, I got a bit excited there again. Your lovely lady lumps tend to do that to me. I don't know what it is about you and your Lo-parts. They make me go "Awwuuuuga...Awwwuuuuuga," or something neat like that. You feelin' what I'm sayin'? That was my "K-fed dialect" in case you were wondering.

You turned on yet, Lindsay? You should be! I'll let you do lots of cocaine on my ass. I'll even let you snort some lines off of my superfluous fifth nipple (don't ask about 3 and 4! hee hee). Hell, I'd let you do anything to me...I just want to be part of the equation. 7 million...10 million...100 million...you can blow any fortune on me, my little honey bunches of oats. I'm your girl 4ever. But I'm not a lesbian. I'm a Lo-handsbian. You said it! No, I guess I did. Either way, it's been said. Do me baby!

Love and Lumps,
Lacey Chabert


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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