Monday, October 08, 2007

Patricia Heaton Reviews Mannequin 2

It's a little late, but as we promised last week, every week a B-List celebrity (is there really any other kind?) will do a movie review of a classic movie that was severely under-appreciated in its own time. Through our experience with Wilford Brimley and Gary Coleman, we've learned that the best way to treat a B-List celebrity is just to give him/her free reign to write whatever they want. And with that, we present Patricia Heaton's review of "Mannequin 2".




Good Evening,

I'm Patricia Heaton and I've had a boob lift. That has absolutely nothing to do with my review, but I just wanted to remind everyone of that fact. Big fan of the plastic surgery. Big fan. Mighty big fan. I want to get a face lift so I can one day be attractive. There, it's been said. Sue me.

Getting back to my review, which is the essence of this piece, not my boob lift, which I've had, and I'm proud of, I'd like to rave about the beauty of Mannequin 2 (a.k.a. Mannequin on the Move). What a great movie! I loved this movie more than I love my boob lift, which I love dearly. Consider the plot...um...consider it...uh...okay, I haven't seen the movie, but I know it's really good because Ray Romano told me it was good when he forced me to have sex with him. Ha ha, just kidding. I didn't actually have sex with Ray!! It was just a blow job.

Sorry about the digression. Back to the point. I just looked up Mannequin 2 on the internet and realized that it's not really a great movie. It stars Bernie from Weekend at Bernie's, the guy from Herman's Head, and Kristy Swanson. You know, the original Buffy from Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Hmmm...the reviewers don't seem to be too kind to it. Hold on, let me go out and rent it. I'll be right back.

Okay, I'm back. And I'm sick to my stomach. What a horrendous movie! I thought Brad Garrett's TV show was awful, but this puts that one to shame. Or rather, this movie makes that show look like a rarefied piece of art that should be hung in a museum or in Ray Romano's gilded mansion. I keep referring to him because he was my TV husband on that juggernaut known as Everybody Loves Raymond. Ever seen it? You should. Every time you watch it I make money. No, not from royalties. From blow jobs. Yeah, I don't understand either.

Anyway, the gist of the movie is that a Mannequin comes to life, makes out with some guy, and then something about a foreign country and...well...I'm sorry, it's just too awful. Who the hell greenlights this stuff? I'm relegated to doing TV shows with Kelsey fucking Grammer and this gets made into a movie? Who the hell do I have to sleep with to get a movie deal? Please tell me because I'd do it. Really, I would. Momma needs another boob lift.

In conclusion...don't ever rent this movie. You may want to throw up. Although that will certainly keep you thin, which is good. Then you don't need tummy tucks, like I had. But I'm proud of it. Like my boob lift. So...then I guess you should rent this movie. Then you'll be like me! Woo hoo!


Love,
Patricia Heaton


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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2 Comments:

Blogger Attila The Mom said...

Now see, you know that the person who wrote this was impersonating Patricia Heaton.

First of all, it wasn't pompous enough. Second of all, there weren't any references to the fact that she thinks every woman should be forced to give birth under every circumstance, no matter what the outcome.

And third, if was really Patricia Heaton, I think she'd reference Charlton Heston or Bill O'Reilly more than she would reference her fake boobs. ;-)

3:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what a fuck

10:07 AM  

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