Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Jennifer Love Hewitt, What Have You Done To Yourself?????

Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt,

I am a man who has reached a crossroad in his life. We're coming up on the 2 year anniversary of this website, and it seems that my noble quest is starting to lose its luster. For two years you have ignored my urgent, pleading, but always respectful call for you to shed your clothing and pose for that beloved magazine, Playboy. Now? I'm not so sure that's a worthy cause anymore.

Look at yourself!! I said look at yourself!!

You've let yourself go, woman! You are a shell of your former self. A much bigger shell to be exact. This is so disappointing to me because I had such high hopes for you and your breasts. Now I'm on the verge of shutting down this site and entering a treatment facility for clinical depression. Does that sound obsessive and borderline creepy? Maybe. But we're not here to talk about my faults. Today, you and your cellulite-infused rump, are the target of my discussion.

Normally, I'm not a man concerned with such superficial matters as looks. If someone wants to gain weight, so be it. Who am I to judge what constitutes the "perfect body?" Who am I to judge how someone views her own self image? Who am I to judge whether a D cup is better than a C cup if the new size causes massive droopage? I have no right...except in this instance. You, Jennifer Love Hewitt, are duty bound to remain in shape. Your breasts serve as the moral compass for our great society, and any actions you take that may impact their attractiveness must be scrutinized, and if necessary castigated. And that's what I'm doing here. It's no surprise that the economy is struggling, the Iraq war is worsening, and Britney Spears is becoming part of the Manson Clan. It's all due to the degradation of your boobs.

Frankly, I'm sick to my stomach. My once proud cause is now the laughing stock of the internet. I am currently the #3 site in Google for "Jennifer Love Hewitt pussy" and the number 1 non-YouTube site for "Jennifer Love Hewitt vagina." I'm also number 1 for Bea Arthur's Vagina, but that's beside the point. The point is, my traffic will now go down because people will no longer be searching for your pussy. Maybe your fiance will search for it when he is seeking some weekly "maritals," but that's about it. And that makes me remorseful. But, such is life.

So in conclusion, I urge you, Jennifer Love Hewitt, to make the right choice. Lose a few and then pose for Playboy. You may not gain any self-esteem, but you will be leading our country back to the promised land. And you'll be making your number 1 creepy internet fan happy. Really, is there anything else important in life?

Best Regards,
Concerned Fan


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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Thursday, November 22, 2007

We'll Be Back In A Jiffy

Loyal Readers,

If you check here daily for updates, fret not, we will be back. Lots of stuff going on here that prevented posting the last two weeks. But we'll be back with a vengeance today, tomorrow, or Saturday. Keep coming back!

Happy gorging, except to you Canadians, who had their "Thanksgiving" in October. Dumbasses.

-Concerned Fan

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Sleeping In Separate Beds Shouldn't Concern You, Katie

Dear Katie,

Katie, sweet, Katie. You are my loving and caring and freakishly-tall-compared-to-me-then-again-most-people-are wife. Don't be concerned that we're sleeping in separate beds. Don't be angry. Most of all, don't be jealous. Sleeping in separate beds does not mean our "honest" and "heartfelt" marriage is in trouble. I'm not tiring of you and certainly don't want to cheat on you with other women. Far from it. Sleeping in separate beds really shouldn't be that surprising to you. I mean, isn't that what you'd expect from someone who's gay?

It's not that I don't love you. I do!! Remember Oprah? It's just I love you in that totally platonic kind of way where I get violent bouts of indigestion, nausea, and gingivitis when I see you naked. From what I hear, that's not much different than how Portia de Rossi feels every day, and she's in a healthy monogamous relationship. Okay, bad example. But it's certainly how Kevin Federline felt in his relationship with Britney...okay, another bad example. But I think you get my point, which is that I love you and want to stay married, but I can't sleep in the same bed as you because female genitalia gives me hives.

Please ignore the gossip magazines and just listen to me when I tell you that you mean the world to me. Although I'm a nihilist so interpret that as you will. I don't want to break-up our marriage for another woman. I just want you and female parts. Yum! Okay, I have to go throw up into my new Prada bag now. See you later tonight at our dinner with Corey Feldman. Isn't he so funny? I love his work. So rich.

Tom "Your Baby's Daddy via a Sperm Bank" Cruise


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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