Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Sleeping In Separate Beds Shouldn't Concern You, Katie

Dear Katie,

Katie, sweet, Katie. You are my loving and caring and freakishly-tall-compared-to-me-then-again-most-people-are wife. Don't be concerned that we're sleeping in separate beds. Don't be angry. Most of all, don't be jealous. Sleeping in separate beds does not mean our "honest" and "heartfelt" marriage is in trouble. I'm not tiring of you and certainly don't want to cheat on you with other women. Far from it. Sleeping in separate beds really shouldn't be that surprising to you. I mean, isn't that what you'd expect from someone who's gay?

It's not that I don't love you. I do!! Remember Oprah? It's just I love you in that totally platonic kind of way where I get violent bouts of indigestion, nausea, and gingivitis when I see you naked. From what I hear, that's not much different than how Portia de Rossi feels every day, and she's in a healthy monogamous relationship. Okay, bad example. But it's certainly how Kevin Federline felt in his relationship with Britney...okay, another bad example. But I think you get my point, which is that I love you and want to stay married, but I can't sleep in the same bed as you because female genitalia gives me hives.

Please ignore the gossip magazines and just listen to me when I tell you that you mean the world to me. Although I'm a nihilist so interpret that as you will. I don't want to break-up our marriage for another woman. I just want you and female parts. Yum! Okay, I have to go throw up into my new Prada bag now. See you later tonight at our dinner with Corey Feldman. Isn't he so funny? I love his work. So rich.

Tom "Your Baby's Daddy via a Sperm Bank" Cruise


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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Anonymous sir jorge said...

she should of stayed with Dawson

10:51 PM  

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