Wednesday, December 19, 2007

A Message From Jamie Lynn Spears to Britney Spears: I'm More White Trash Than You!

Hey Sis,

Guess what...I'm preggars! That's right, Britney, as a 16-year-old pregnant with my boyfriend's child, I officially become the White Trash champion of the family. Woooo hooo!!! Praise the Lord and pass the chicken wings! You kept stealin' all the family attention with your pregnancies and trashy behavior. Well that didn't sit right with me, sis. You can bet your fried grits it didn't. But now I take the family crown with my teenage unwed pregnancy. There ain't no beatin' this one.

You'd think with a hit show like Zoey 101, I wouldn't need to go and get myself preggars. But when do White Trash ever do anythin' that made sense? Exactly! That's why and I had to go and get myself knocked up. It was the only way I could show the world that I had true White Trash bonafides. I am the White Trash champion! I mean, what can be more White Trash than getting knocked up at 16? Nothin'. That's why I declare myself champion of the family.

See you at my shotgun wedding. Remember, Brit, no drinking. Ha ha...just kiddin'! That wouldn't be very White Trash of me to say that, now would it! Drink all you want. I know I will!

Jamie Lynn Spears


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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Tuesday, December 18, 2007

A Message From Pamela Anderson's Liver

Dear Pamela,

Can you stop with all this marriage and divorce madness? First you're with Tommy Lee, then you're not. Then you are again. Then you're not. Then you give me Hepatitis C. Then you're with Kid Rock. Then you're not. Then you're with the guy who boned Paris Hilton. Then you're not. Then you are again. Would you pick a guy and stick with him? Jesus H. Christ!!! No, I don't mean you should marry him. I was just uttering an exclamation of frustration.

Sorry for being so angry, but I'm getting so tired of you starting out anew with each man. You see, each time you celebrate. Each time you marry celebrate. And that hurts me. For Christ's sake, I have Hepatitis C!! Any alcohol hurts me. Badly. And each of those guys has a long-ass dong, and that ends up poking into me when he bangs you. I finally get acclimated, and boom, you're finished. Would you just pick one man and stick with him!

C'mon, I don't want to beg you here, but I'm dying. Literally. We livers are not very proud organs and will beg for certain things from time to time. And this time I'm begging you to "ride it out" with that Rick guy. Just make it through the end of the year, okay? My life is going to be tough enough with all the holiday drinking. Don't make it worse by celebrating a new divorce.

Although if you do divorce him, I hear that Elijah Wood is available.

I hear he's got a small wang, so that's good. Look him up!

With Love,
Your Liver


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Wilford Brimley Speaks Out in Support of Jennifer Love Hewitt

Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt,

It's about God damn time that you spoke up and defended yourself from all of those crazy folks on the God damn Internets. You have every God damn right to look as you please and shame on all those folks who were makin' all those accusations about you. Hell, I'm a fan of a healthy lookin' woman. My wife can throw back an entire bag of brown sugar in one sitting, and I think that's sexy. It's gets my lil' Wilford all aggressive and what not. That's when the sex begins. So, I think it's great that you put on a few extra pounds recently. You sure as hell don't look bad, although not as good as my wife. Good thing too, or else you'd have ole Wilford knockin' on your God damn door demanding some lovin'. And I don't take no for answer (nor do I need to cuz I'm so God damn desirable).

The only reason that I'm writing to you is to warn you about The Diabetes. You still are thin by most standards. Hell, my left thigh weighs more than you. But if you keep moving up in size, you may end up getting The Diabetes. That would be a God damn terrible thing to happen as The Diabetes is a dangerous disease. Killed my grandpappy back in 19 aught 6. That's why you should start checking your blood sugar. Check it often. And the next time you reach for a Milky Way, replace it with a healthy bowl of Quaker Oats oatmeal. That's what I do and I'm as healthy as a God damn mule. Sure, I don't got no chiseled body. But I got a heart stronger than Kim Kardashian's God damn butt muscle, and I ain't afraid to brag about it.

Aside from checking your blood sugar, and checking it often, I don't think you need to do a God damn thing. Just ignore those God damn "web surfers" who think it's fun to make fun of someone else's physical condition. Or if you want, tell me who they are and I'll give em' some schoolin' in the ole Wilford hole. I ain't afraid of a God damn "web surfer." I once got angry at a web page that made fun of me, and the web page cried. Right on my God damn computer. So don't worry about me. Just tell me who they are and I'll get 'em good. I already took care of that God damn Concerned Fan for his God damn awful post yesterday. I'll learn him some manners soon enough.

That's about all I have to say about that. Keep eating, keep wearing those bikinis, and for all of our God damn sakes, please star in another one of those "I Know What You Did" movies. My God damn wife and I enjoy popping those movies into our VCR and curling up in front of the fire with a bowl or two of Müeslix. It's a hell of a way to spend an evening.

Pissed Off,
Wilford Brimley


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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