Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Wilford Brimley Speaks Out in Support of Jennifer Love Hewitt



Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt,

It's about God damn time that you spoke up and defended yourself from all of those crazy folks on the God damn Internets. You have every God damn right to look as you please and shame on all those folks who were makin' all those accusations about you. Hell, I'm a fan of a healthy lookin' woman. My wife can throw back an entire bag of brown sugar in one sitting, and I think that's sexy. It's gets my lil' Wilford all aggressive and what not. That's when the sex begins. So, I think it's great that you put on a few extra pounds recently. You sure as hell don't look bad, although not as good as my wife. Good thing too, or else you'd have ole Wilford knockin' on your God damn door demanding some lovin'. And I don't take no for answer (nor do I need to cuz I'm so God damn desirable).

The only reason that I'm writing to you is to warn you about The Diabetes. You still are thin by most standards. Hell, my left thigh weighs more than you. But if you keep moving up in size, you may end up getting The Diabetes. That would be a God damn terrible thing to happen as The Diabetes is a dangerous disease. Killed my grandpappy back in 19 aught 6. That's why you should start checking your blood sugar. Check it often. And the next time you reach for a Milky Way, replace it with a healthy bowl of Quaker Oats oatmeal. That's what I do and I'm as healthy as a God damn mule. Sure, I don't got no chiseled body. But I got a heart stronger than Kim Kardashian's God damn butt muscle, and I ain't afraid to brag about it.

Aside from checking your blood sugar, and checking it often, I don't think you need to do a God damn thing. Just ignore those God damn "web surfers" who think it's fun to make fun of someone else's physical condition. Or if you want, tell me who they are and I'll give em' some schoolin' in the ole Wilford hole. I ain't afraid of a God damn "web surfer." I once got angry at a web page that made fun of me, and the web page cried. Right on my God damn computer. So don't worry about me. Just tell me who they are and I'll get 'em good. I already took care of that God damn Concerned Fan for his God damn awful post yesterday. I'll learn him some manners soon enough.

That's about all I have to say about that. Keep eating, keep wearing those bikinis, and for all of our God damn sakes, please star in another one of those "I Know What You Did" movies. My God damn wife and I enjoy popping those movies into our VCR and curling up in front of the fire with a bowl or two of Müeslix. It's a hell of a way to spend an evening.


Pissed Off,
Wilford Brimley


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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3 Comments:

Anonymous thatdanachick said...

I'm sticking it to the Man today by surfing blogs while I'm on the clock (that's what he gets for making me work on Christmas Eve). I came across yours and was reduced to tears of laughter by this entry, in particular.

Good stuff.

5:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wilford also does radio voiceovers.

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/4726

3:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Freaking brilliant! I just found out I have type 2 and have been doing my own impressions of Sir Wilford Brimley. This was laugh out loud funny to me-thanks for posting!

3:58 PM  

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