Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Barbaro Euthanized; David Caruso Next



Kennett Square, PA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Barbaro - the horse that captured America's hopes, dreams, and occasional night terrors - has been euthanized after suffering yet another setback in its prolonged recovery from a broken leg. Barbaro burst onto the scene as a young horse, trying to make a difference in this crazy world. He didn't just win the Kentucky Derby; he won all of our hearts. His dramatic win at the Derby and terrible injury at the Preakness thrust him into the national spotlight, proving once and for all that Americans care more about injured horses than genocide in Darfur or famine and totalitarianism in North Korea. Sadly, though, his journey ended on Monday as he was put down and then sent off to the Elmer's company for safekeeping.

With the death of Barbaro, David Caruso, star of the popular CSI:Miami show on the geezer network, has now become the most likely next candidate for euthanasia. Doctors around the world are already lining up for the opportunity to euthanize the famed firecrotched thesbian. Caruso, noted for his lack of any discernible talent, charisma, or value-add to the world at large(see also: Britney Spears), has long been a target of the euthanizing community. Said one doctor, "It's not a moral, ethical, or racial thing. It's just...fucking David Caruso."

Sources close to the doctors indicate that Caruso had steadily been climbing the euthanizing list in recent years due to his performance on CSI:Miami. He briefly peaked at number 1, but then was surpassed when Barbaro suddenly became the national hero for some inane reason. He had been holding at 2 for quite some time, slightly ahead of all of the actors in the "So Long, Farewell" commercial for Kia. Now, with the horse's death, he has moved into the top spot and will be euthanized early next week.

No word yet from the Caruso camp, although sources close to the stone-faced actor indicate that he understands what must happen and accepts full responsibility. He even wondered what took everyone so damn long.


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Friday, January 26, 2007

Advice For Paris Hilton From a 1980's Movie Japanese Tourist



Konichiwa Paris Hilton!

Many best wishes on your new exposure. Hi five, man! In Japan we are very big fan of your first sex tape with the guy with the big south of the border thing. He was a cool dude, man. You are great celebrity and we do the dirty, disrespectful thing to ourselves many times to you. Very much like a typical American! We are cool Joe Americans!

As you learn from many 1980s movies, we Japanese love to take pictures and videos. You are like the Japanese, only we stay clothed and do not snort as much of the illegal drugs. Cowabunga! Where's the beef? But these new dirty movies with the sex show your love for the camera. You are honorary Japanese tourist! If you had slightest bit of acting talent, you could play one on the tv screen. Big Mac and fries please! Right on!

Please, keep making more movies and not paying for storage so we Japanese can continue to enjoy your movie making ability. Big fans of you we are. Go America!! Coke is it!


Best Regards,
1980s Movie Japanese Tourist



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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Thursday, January 18, 2007

Scott Bakula To Run For President


My Fellow Americans,

It is time for action. Our country is in desperate straits. We suffer from a lack of true leadership and in the absence of such, we have been spiraling down a course of despair and treachery. Our future is dark and our prospects are bleak. If we do not do something now, we will forever be burdened by the consequences of our inaction. We need a true leader to rise up above the smoke and ash and lead our country to victory. I am that true leader. And that is why, I, Scott Bakula, am officially running for President of the United States of America in 2008.

My leadership skills are unquestioned. In the movie Necessary Roughness, I led a rough and tumble group of termagant lowlifes to the Texas state championship. Yes, I was a 38-year-old college freshman who hadn't played competitive athletics in 20 years and smoked 2 packs a day, but I never let that affect my leadership style. I persevered through the hardship, and even got to fuck my teacher. As President I promise to lead our country to success and then fuck all of the women in this country. This is the type of leadership our country needs.

As you know, I also starred in a little show called Quantum Leap. As President, I will use the skills I learned as Sam to right things that once went wrong. For example, I will "leap" back in time and stop our country from invading Iraq. Furthermore, I will prevent Bill Clinton from getting a blow job from Monica Lewinsky and I will prevent Jimmy Carter from being born. Can Obama, Kerry, Edwards, Huckabee, or Hillary do this? I don't think so.

Many of you also will remember me as the captain of one of the Enterprise ships on the aptly named Enterprise. My participation with this show displays my love of science and nerds who live in their parents' basements. As President, I will enact nerd-based tax cuts that will allow these valued members of society to leave their parents' basements and enter the workforce where they surely will invent space travel and warp engines. With this great new technology at our disposal, we can explore the galaxy and kill things. Other Presidents may want to kill terrorists or French people or Brad Garrett. Only I can guarantee intergalactic killing.

Finally, I am qualified to be President because I can handle the Baby Boomer situation. I was a regular on Murphy Brown, and all that time around Candice Bergen taught me how to deal with aging people who reeked of death. My experience on this show provided valuable insight that will be essential when all the Baby Boomers start bleeding the country dry (i.e., retiring).

In conclusion, I promise you, the American people, that I will bring integrity, showmanship, and a history of being on shows that have been canceled (five to be exact). Can anyone else boast of these things? I doubt it. So when it comes time to vote, vote for Bakula on the Fascist Party ticket. I promise to be a benevolent ruler...a benevolent ruler who loves you.


Yours,
Scott Bakula



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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Thursday, January 11, 2007

A Reference Guide to The Holiest of Holies



Dear Readers,

It has been brought to my attention that many of the recent posts on this site have focused on vaginas, Lacey Chabert, or Lacey Chabert's vagina. While those are all inherently funny topics, it has not been our goal to skew the content so heavily in one direction. Although vaginas are always funny, and I mean ALWAYS funny, we here at Please Do It Ms. Hewitt pride ourselves on the variety of subject matters we discuss. So we pledge to branch out beyond our vagina-limiting confines and skewer new topics like fallopian tubes, the WNBA, or the lack of any physical genitalia on Ewoks.

However, in one final solute to our oft-furry friends, here is a link to Muffy's World of Vagina Euphemisms. It's a source of endless enjoyment for friends, family, and even Lacey Chabert.

Good luck and have fun diving in to Muffy's world.


Best Regards,
Concerned Fan

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Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Parker Posey's Vagina Identified As Source Of NYC Odor



New York, NY (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

The source of the foul-smelling odor that permeated Manhattan yesterday has finally been identified as stemming from the vagina of famed actress Parker Posey. Earlier today, city officials pinpointed the origins of the unknown smell in New Jersey. While that seemed a very logical choice given New Jersey's history of being a barren wasteland filled with nothingness, emptiness, and Parsippany, it turned out to be wrong. Ms. Posey's noxious woo-woo was fingered by several sources in the East Village as the root cause of the smell.

Known as "Queen of the Indies" for her prolific work in independent movies, Posey has long been rumored to have foul-smelling woman parts. Sources deep within the movie industry have indicated that her stinky poo-poo has kept her out of many leading roles, despite her obvious acting talents. Recently, however, she had been making a name for herself with large roles in Superman Returns and Blade:Trinity (or its alternate title How I Learned To Cheat The IRS: By Wesley Snipes).

Doctors cannot explain how one woman's private parts were able to disseminate such a widespread wretched aroma, but they are investigating Courtney Love and Lacey Chabert for more clues on this rare phenomena. Initial hypotheses center around a midnight skinny dip in the East River. No word yet from Ms. Posey, but several witnesses recently saw her exiting CVS with a bag of cotton balls and multiple bottles of oil and vinegar dressing.


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Hey Jennifer Love Hewitt, Are You Even Listening To Me?



Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt,

We meet again. And once again our meeting is precipitated not by a long-awaiting posing in the forever-acclaimed cultural icon that is Playboy, but instead by a posing in a sub par magazine reserved for the Lacey Chaberts and Amanda Bynes of the world. Once again, you have disregarded my wise words and posed for a shit-tay magazine. In this situation it was CVS, but it easily could have been Wal-Mart or K-Mart or Target (pronounced Tar-zhay). Sadly, you continue to ignore my advice and further tarnish both your respectability, overall hotness, and general "street cred." Word?

The first occasion that you stooped below your anointed status as code blue hottie and posed for an inferior magazine, was when you graced the cover of American Way magazine, an inflight magazine for an airline!! While I was angry, I was willing to forgive you. This time, your sin is cardinal. I cannot understand why on earth you posed for a CVS magazine. CV-fucking-S??? You used to be a paragon of hotness, whacked upon by a generation of adolescents coming of age. Now...you adorn the cover of a magazine given away free to people buying Preparation H?. What the hell? Sure, some say that all publicity is good publicity. However, some also say that you can "catch pregnancy" by sitting on a toilet seat. The lesson, as always, is that "some" people are usually wrong.

Ms. Hewitt, oh my dear Ms. Hewitt, this cover idea was a grand mistake. Your beauteous face should be reserved only for magazines which will also show your beauteous bosoms. In short - Playboy. We are now approaching the one year anniversary of my initial plea to you to pose for this great publication, and it appears I must renew my call to arms.

Pose now for the sake of the children in our society. Pose now for the sake of the poor homeless men starving in the streets. Pose now for the sake of all of the battered husbands whom Tawny Kitaen has tossed aside. Pose now for all the esoteric and obscure references I've made in my pleas to you, such as the last one about Tawny Kitaen. Pose now for Bea Arthur's Vagina. Most of all, pose now for your own self-respect and dignity. You are a proud woman with a great rack, and that rack must be displayed for all to gaze upon in wonder.

Once again, I urge you to make the right choice. Happy New Year to you and your breasts.


Best Regards,
A Concerned Fan



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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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