Barbaro Euthanized; David Caruso Next
Kennett Square, PA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press
Barbaro - the horse that captured America's hopes, dreams, and occasional night terrors - has been euthanized after suffering yet another setback in its prolonged recovery from a broken leg. Barbaro burst onto the scene as a young horse, trying to make a difference in this crazy world. He didn't just win the Kentucky Derby; he won all of our hearts. His dramatic win at the Derby and terrible injury at the Preakness thrust him into the national spotlight, proving once and for all that Americans care more about injured horses than genocide in Darfur or famine and totalitarianism in North Korea. Sadly, though, his journey ended on Monday as he was put down and then sent off to the Elmer's company for safekeeping.
With the death of Barbaro, David Caruso, star of the popular CSI:Miami show on the geezer network, has now become the most likely next candidate for euthanasia. Doctors around the world are already lining up for the opportunity to euthanize the famed firecrotched thesbian. Caruso, noted for his lack of any discernible talent, charisma, or value-add to the world at large(see also: Britney Spears), has long been a target of the euthanizing community. Said one doctor, "It's not a moral, ethical, or racial thing. It's just...fucking David Caruso."
Sources close to the doctors indicate that Caruso had steadily been climbing the euthanizing list in recent years due to his performance on CSI:Miami. He briefly peaked at number 1, but then was surpassed when Barbaro suddenly became the national hero for some inane reason. He had been holding at 2 for quite some time, slightly ahead of all of the actors in the "So Long, Farewell" commercial for Kia. Now, with the horse's death, he has moved into the top spot and will be euthanized early next week.
No word yet from the Caruso camp, although sources close to the stone-faced actor indicate that he understands what must happen and accepts full responsibility. He even wondered what took everyone so damn long.
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Tags: David Caruso, Barbaro Euthanize, Barbaro, CSI:Miami