Monday, February 26, 2007

Eddie Murphy Fails To Win Oscar; Sets Sights On Norbit Victory Next Year


Los Angeles, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Eddie Murphy - comedian, actor, and legendary fan of trannies - was upset at last night's Academy Awards show by Alan Arkin in the Best Supporting Actor category. Murphy was considered the frontrunner for the award after recycling his old SNL James Brown character for the movie Dreamgirls. The performance was praised as truly original, despite being completely borrowed from previous works, a unique mixture that was deemed Oscar-worthy. However, victory was not in the cards for Mr. Pluto Nash, as Alan Arkin stole the victory with his turn as an angry, drug-addicted malcontent (i.e., a self-portrait) in Little Miss Sunshine.

Sources close to the Metro star indicated that he was devastated, but is very optimistic about his chances next year when Norbit is eligible. Norbit is, of course, the story of a young man who battles to avoid the desperate clutches of a fat-suit-wearing man dressed in women's clothing. It's a heart wrenching tale of identity confusion, alienation, eating disorders, and fat-suits. Mr. Murphy, playing multiple roles in the movie, drew on his extensive personal history of fat-suit wearing to anchor the characters in reality. When reached for comment, his publicist said that Mr. Murphy is "very proud" of his work and wants "everyone to see the movie" or he will "kill a seven-year-old Mexican girl in his garage."

No word yet from Academy voters on whether or not Mr. Murphy's convincing fat-suit performance in Norbit will catapult him to next year's Best Actor Oscar, but sources close to a homeless man living near a movie theater indicate that Murphy "has no chance in hell. I'm hungry do you have any food?"


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Thursday, February 22, 2007

Happy Belated Birthday Jennifer Love Hewitt



Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt,

Happy Belated Birthday! I know you think I forgot your birthday yesterday, but I didn't. In fact, I was trying to get you the best present you could ever want, a high-priced offer to pose for Playboy, but unfortunately my connections fell through. I ended up getting you a simple card, but it's heartfelt and creepy (always a fun combination) so I know you'll love it. Hopefully someone else got you that special birthday posing present, but I'm doubtful they did. You probably just got the normal set of gifts like jewelry and Skoal. That's too bad, because time is running out for you to pose.

Look, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you're not getting any younger. Yesterday's special day puts you one step closer to death. And by death I mean sagging boobs. There are rumors that your boobs have already begun to sag. As the British would say, I think that is bollocks. But it will happen eventually, and each birthday puts you one step closer to that inevitability. You must pose now to avoid that fate. If you don't pose, it will be too late, and your career will permanently suffer and the ogling men of the world will forever suffer.

So I urge you, Ms. Hewitt to make the right choice and pose for Playboy. It is the right choice and the only logical way to celebrate your birthday. Thank you.





Best Regards,
A Concerned Fan



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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Fat Tuesday To Be Renamed "Jessica Biel Ass Day"



Los Angeles, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Thousands of revelers have descended upon New Orleans to celebrate the drunken event known to the outside world simply as Fat Tuesday. The event has been a staple of New Orleans party life for many, many years, just as Brad Garrett has been a staple at Gigantism conferences for decades. However, in a stunning move, organizers have decided to rename the event "Jessica Biel Ass Day" in honor of the young star's large posterior.

The mammoth-rumped actress, known for her role in something or other, is honored by the name change and has even offered to sponsor the event in exchange for a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts and a bowl of pure lard. Sources close to the event organizers indicate that the original name was going to be Kirstie Alley Day, but then the washed-up actress magically lost weight (i.e., she began vomiting obsessively), and could no longer accurately represent a true "Fat" Tuesday.

No word yet from Nicole Richie's camp, but sources close to the actress indicate that she's boycotting the event on principle.


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Boston Drivers Can Suck My Ass



Dear Fans and Friends,

Apologies for not posting for the last week or so. This is what's left of my car after some Masshole ran a red light and we collided in the middle of an intersection. Here's another view:



More funny soon. Some potential headlines in the meantime:

"Britney Spears Gives Up Hair, Sanity For Lent."
"Tim Hardaway Apologizes To All Of WNBA For Anti-Gay Comments"
"Nicole Richie Going To Jail; Special Bars Needed To Prevent Her From Sliding Out."
"Carlos Mencia Steals Joe Rogan's Material; Still Unfunny, But Louder."


-CF



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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Friday, February 09, 2007

Wilford Brimley Speaks Out About Anna Nicole Smith



Dear America and Sometimes God Damn Canada,

Another day, another God damn dead starlet. As you all know by now, that big-boned and big boobed hussy Anna Nicole Smith died for as-of-yet undetermined reasons. Am I sad? You bet your God damn Diabetes-riddled ass I am. Like any person over 70 years old, I once had sex with Anna Nicole Smith. She was the best damn lover I ever had, and I sure as God damn hell will miss her. You should too, and I'll tell you why.

For starters, she didn't have The Diabetes, but she still checked her blood sugar and checked it often. Hell, I know many people with The Diabetes who don't check their blood sugar, and that's just wrong as a paraplegic marathon runner practicing on a treadmill. The fact that she proactively checked her blood sugar levels tells me that she had class. Now you're gonna hear many of those God damn news shows say she was a drug user and crazy woman. Don't trust em'. Hell, I never trust a man whose first name is Wolf. What kind of God damn name is Wolf? I once had a dog named Wolf, but we shot him cuz he went crazy and bit my wife near her Wilford Hole. Somebody should shoot that God damn Wolf Blitzer too for spreading lies about my love, Anna Nicole Smith. You'd think he'd have more important things to worry about, like the Iraq war or North Korea or Bea Arthur's Vagina, but instead he spends his God damn time on Anna Nicole Smith. It's a real shame.

I'll also miss Anna Nicole Smith because she loved her Quaker Oats oatmeal. Sure, it dribbled out of her mouth when she was drunk (I said she didn't do drugs, but I ain't ever said anything about her boozing), but that's okay. One time, I was drunk and I rubbed Quaker Oats oatmeal all over my nekkid ass, so I ain't one to talk. The point is, she was a loyal customer. You should be too.

I'll also miss Anna Nicole Smith because she had a reality show on the television. I've been a big God damn fan of reality shows ever since that damn Real World show debuted on the God damn video network. At one point there was a Wilford Brimley reality show in the works where I went around from town to town and yelled at young people to stop being so God damn stupid. It was called, "Shut The Fuck Up, Young Fellow: A Day In The Life Of Wilford Brimley." Unfortunately, HBO shelved the product after they caught me having sex with my wife on set one day. I ain't ashamed of it but I ain't proud either. Sometimes my woman needs some pleasurin' and I can't wait to get to my God damn home to do it. Nowadays if I got caught Having a Wilford on set with my wife, I'd get higher ratings, but back then they weren't ready for my mustache and bare ass. Damn shame.

Finally, I'll miss Anna Nicole Smith because she was tall. That's as good a reason as any, and you'll best agree with me before I come over to your God damn house and explain it to you in person. Tall women are special people and you better understand that or you'll never get any action in this world. Trust me, I'm Wilford Brimley and I know better than you ever God damn could.

So please mourn this great woman, and check your blood sugar if you have The Diabetes. Anna Nicole would have wanted you to.


Pissed Off,
Wilford Brimley


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Dakota Fanning Implicated In Global Porn Ring



Dear World,

I must confess, I, Dakota Fanning, am the ringleader of the international porn ring that was recently discovered by Austrian police. You may think that I am an innocent child actor known for her strong acting ability, precociousness, and tendency to do creepy, underage rape scenes in independent movies. But that is where you'd be mistaken. I am actually a disguised 47-year-old midget named John Lee McGillicutty, known the world over for his sickening devotion to child pornography. Fear me!

The Austrian police will never catch me, for I am a master of disguise. Sure, I'm revealing my identity now, but that is only because I have grown tired of this "Dakota Fanning" character that I have created and will soon take on the appearance of another up-and-coming child actor in Hollywood. Several years ago I created a different fool-proof identity that you may know as Haley Joel Osment. I soon grew tired of him and passed on the role to one of my cronies. Don't you remember when Haley Joel fell off the map? That's when I left him to become this new Dakota Fanning character. Suddenly her career picked up. Coincidence? I think not.

So try as you might world to capture me, but I assure you of one thing: failure. Dakota Fanning fears nobody. I will avoid capture and continue to run my global child pornography ring until such time as I deem it necessary to assume a new identity and disappear underground. Until then, rent War of the Worlds and keep viewing child pornography. Yes, I'm talking to you, Tom Cruise. Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!


Porn,
Dakota Fanning


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Sunday, February 04, 2007

Mr. Holland's Opus Was The Defining Movie Of Our Generation



There is a legend whispered amongst the Hollywood elite that Marlon Brando, Jack Nicholson, and Richard Gere were all offered the role of Glenn Holland in Mr. Holland's Opus, and turned it down because they could not do the magnificent role justice. I believe that rumor. Richard Dreyfuss is the only actor with the gravitas needed to portray the inimitable Glenn Holland in what many esteemed film critics consider the defining movie of the past 30 years. Mr. Holland's Opus is a landmark achievement in cinema history, and it must be recognized as such in due haste.

While this movie is filled with memorable scenes, memorable characters, and memorable Hallmark phrases, there is one scene in the movie which defies all convention and stands out as singular accomplishment in writing ingenuity. In this scene, Richard Dreyfuss teaches an African American teenager how to have rhythm in order to help keep him on the wrestling team. That's right, a white mustache-wearing 5'6" piano-playing music teacher is instructing an African American student, who wrestles, mind you, on how to clap to the beat of a song sung, no less, by an African American singer. Let's break that down.

1. A white music teacher who cut his chops playing weddings and Bar Mitzvahs is trying to teach someone how to clap to the beat. This alone is fantastical, defying all common sense. Add in a mustache and you're talking genius.
2. The fact that the student in need of rhythm help comes from a culture known to possess tremendous rhythmic ability (and huge penises)? Score another one for the writers.
3. But wait, there's more. When was the last time you saw an African American wrestler (no, A.C. Slater was not black)? Can't think of one? Neither can I. Truly an inspired choice by the writers.
4. The final touch? The man teaching the student to dance was Richard Dreyfuss. Yes, THE Richard Dreyfuss. This is what pushes this scene into the pantheon of scenes in movie history.

That one scene alone would have elevated this wonderful movie into the rarefied category of classic. Yet that is not the only scene worthy of greatness. Consider these orgasmic displays of acting talent and writing magnificence:


* Mr. Holland's heart-wrenching comparison of his love for music and his newfound love for his unborn child. If I had a wife, and I wanted her to have an abortion, that scene, and that scene only, would have made me leave the alley and put the coat hanger down.

* Mr. Holland's lovely song to his son, Cole, in which changed John Lennon's "beautiful boy" to "beautiful Cole." That, my friends, was inspired and damn near tear-inducing.

* Mr. Holland's near-affair with an 18-year-old high school senior. Don't be a simpleton and think that it was exceptionally creepy for any attractive young woman to fall for Richard Dreyfuss. No, that wasn't the point of the scene. The point was to show that Mr. Holland would not physically cheat on his wife. Sure, he was emotionally fucking Rowena, but that's not real cheating. Richard Dreyfuss gave Mr. Holland a complicated emotional compass and that, dear friends, and that is what acting is all about. And how about that name Rowena? Marvelous choice by the writers. Funky, sexy, and somewhat freaky all wrapped up in a nice bow. Who wouldn't want a Rowena?

* Finally, that powerful final scene where Mr. Holland conducts his great American Symphony. That goodbye party was so sentimental and, dare I say it again, heart-wrenching, that I almost forgot that the whole reason they were having the party was to celebrate Mr. Holland being dumped on his ass due to cutbacks. How was he going to make enough money to eat or pay his bills? Who cares because he finally conducted his symphony. I never would have thought to end with that dichotomy, but after seeing it unfold onscreen, I understand why it was done. The sympathy for his symphony in the assembly made me wistfully and blissfully smile. The real world melted away because Mr. Holland finally heard his opus. What an amazing day.


Clearly, this movie has not received its due praise. I for one, will make it my second mission in life (after getting Jennifer Love Hewitt to pose for Playboy), to trumpet this movie's merits across all the hilltops and treetops and blacktops in the US of A. People must learn that this is no mere movie - it is the defining movie of my generation. Mr. Holland, I thank you for your opus. Richard Dreyfuss, I thank you for your opus, in the form of Glenn Holland. My life would not be the same without it. Thank you.


Best Regards,
A Concerned Fan



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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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