Wednesday, March 21, 2007

I, Carlos Mencia, Am A Gigantic Douche



Dear America,

I, Carlos Mencia, officially declare myself to be a gigantic douche. Yes, I have officially surpassed John Edwards as the biggest douche in the universe. My constant unfunny standup combined with my blatant stealing of material has all contributed to my doucheyness. The most recent example of my douchery was my stealing of Bill Cosby's material. That's right, I blatantly stole material from one of the most famous comedians of all time, from one of his most recognizable bits of all time. If that isn't supreme doucheness, I don't know what is.

This shouldn't really come as a surprise to you. I've been called a douche before. I've also admitted to my lack of comedic ability. But now, with this official declaration (along with an affidavit signed by every comedian in the world except Dane Cook, who isn't really an original comedian anyway) I clear up any misgivings and admit to my douchery. So it is written, so it shall be done.

Please, I urge you to boycott my comedy shows and abstain from watching my tv programs. Also, if you see me on the street, kick me in the nuts or throw used douches at me. I certainly deserve it. Only then, will I be able to fully repent in my utter doucheness. Thank you and godspeed.


With all my love,
Carlos "The Douchemeister" Mencia

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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Dick Cheney Not Descended From Monkeys



Thanks to AT for the tip. Check out the source story here

Washington, DC (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

A recent book by renowned primatoligist Dr. Frans de Waal claims that the roots of morality can be seen in the social behavior of monkeys and apes. The renowned scientist claims that "human morality would be impossible without certain emotional building blocks that are clearly at work in chimp and monkey societies." In related news, DNA evidence proves that Dick Cheney is not descended from monkeys.

Skeptics rushed to point out that if monkeys had morals, then this video or this video would never be possible. Other critics, including the Bush administration argued that monkeys never existed and the earth is only 5000 years old and dinosaurs walked with humans and The Flintstones are based on reality and therefore humans couldn't be descended from monkeys so nanny nanny poo poo. Supporters of Dr. de Waal, including Dr. Philip Kitcher are smart and say lots of philosophical things like "there are patterns of behavior we share with our primate relatives that are relevant to our ethical decisions." Nobody really knows what that means, but it sounds really scientific.

No word yet from the Cheney camp, but sources close to the Bleeping Veep indicate that he's proud not to be a monkey and wants to celebrate by shooting someone in the face and invading a sovereign nation (i.e., perform his regular Wednesday activity).



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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Sunday, March 18, 2007

Annual NAMBLA Touch Football Game Gets Out Of Hand



San Francisco, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

What started out as a simple game of touch football, escalated into something far more sinister this weekend at the NAMBLA headquarters in San Francisco. NAMBLA, the North American Man Boy Love Association known for its strident support of sex with minors, had been holding an annual game of touch football for 15 years. While the game was known for putting the "touch" in touch football, it had always remained a friendly affair. That is, until this year's debacle when friendly rivalry turned into an all-out ball-grabbing and crotch-sniffing event.

Luke Schenscher, VP of tween recruitment, was the designated quarterback for this year's event and the focus of most of the violence. Less than 1 minute into play, his balls had been grabbed ten times by the opposing team, at least twice as much as normal. At first the semi-overweight, balding, and intensely sweating QB shrugged off the assaults as just part of the fun. But when they persisted into the game, he got physical and lashed back...and not in the good way.

Said the burly redhead, "You know, a man can only have his sac grabbed so much before he snaps. Look, I like it as much as the next pedophile, but only when a young boy is doing it. When it's other pedophiles, then it's just wrong, man, you know? I can't be disrespected. Sometimes a homosexual pedophile's gotta do what a homosexual pedophile's gotta do."

After the 32nd ball sniffing, Schenscher began throwing haymakers. Sources indicate that he landed punch after punch, cold-cocking at least 10 other NAMBLA freaks before he finally was brought down by the ravenous teen-hungry horde. Apparently, the group had not made out with an underage boy in at least a week and had immense sexual aggression pent up. Schenscher, with his shiny bald head and pouty lips, had always been a target, but things just boiled over at the game.

One player, who preferred to remain anonymous, said that Schenscher was "a dick, and not in the good way," while another said, "I've always wanted to beat that freak, and not in the good way." While there were multiple injuries, nobody was seriously injured and the hospital was able to discharge everyone...and not in the good way.



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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Monday, March 12, 2007

Billy Crystal Announces Tentative, Maybe, Partial, Sorta, Kinda, Dipping A Toe In, Perhaps, Unconfirmed, Speculative Entry in 2008 Presidential Race



Dear America,

I, Billy Crystal, do officially announce my probationary entry into the 2008 Presidential race. Long have I stood on the sidelines and watched others run this country into the ground. Well, not anymore. With the exception of Scott Bakula, I am the most qualified man (and I stress the word man) for the job. I urge you to vote for me, if indeed I do run, which is uncertain because I don't want to committ to running until I know I can win, even though nothing is ever certain and I am 100% determined to run, but it sounds better to say I'm exploring the options.

While I don't have any "platform" or "campaign ideas" or more than a "fifth grade education," it shouldn't matter. What should matter is that I starred in When Harry Met Sally and saw Meg Ryan fake an orgasm in a restaurant. That is much more important than an Iraq policy or a stance on the genocide in Darfur. What's more, I can do voices really well, so instead of faking a Southern accent, I can do an outdated Howard Cosell impersonation or a Fernando Lamas "You look Mahvelous" comment. That's the power of Billy Crystal. You see, I can even speak in the 3rd person. Nobody else brings that to the table.

Whereas other candidates will bore you with "ideas" and "rational thought," I'm running on the "you want to have a beer with me" concept, even though most of you don't actually want to have a beer with me and would rather step on my toe and kick me in the shins. But regardless, the point is that I'm famous and you recognize my name, so therefore you should vote for me. And I used to be funny 15 years ago, so that should count for something too.

Anyway, a vote for Billy Crystal is a vote for sanity and male perms, so vote for me! That is, if I decide to run. Which is still up in the air, you know, because I have to explore the idea a bit before I decide anything for sure. Yeah.


All My Best,
Billy Crystal




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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Scooter Libby Claims He Is Father Of Anna Nicole Smith's Child




Dear America,

First off, let me apologize for lying to a grand jury, perjuring myself, and all that other crap that I did to get Dicky-boy off the hook. My bad. With that out of the way, I want to address the real crisis affecting America - the paternity battle for Anna Nicole Smith's little baby.

As you may or may not know, OJ Simpson has recently entered the fray claiming that he is the father of little Dannielynn. The self-proclaimed "king of slow moving sperm" (or KOSMS for short) has joined the likes of numerous other celebrity nitwits in falsely claiming fatherhood. They are all liars? I know because I'm the real father.

Some of you may think that I'm doing this to distract you from my conviction. That couldn't be farther from the truth, even if it is actually true. I worked in politics, and as you know, politicians never lie except when they lie. Right now, I'm not lying, I'm just restating a fact incorrectly. I am the father of Anna Nicole Smith's child. My fast-moving sperm were victorious in conquering her yielding ovum. I am entitled to all property rights bequeathed to that child, and the first chance I get, I will improperly leak important information about her to the press. I assure you, this is the truth.

So let it be known, America, that I am not a crook. I am a father with powerful sperm and a strong inclination for a former drug-using stripper who had a reality show. And I don't mean any of the people on The Real World.

Thank You,
Scooter Libby



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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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