Lindsay Lohan Moving To Rome
Did you hear the news? Scientists recently found that particles of cocaine and marijuana were found suspended in the air in Rome. Isn’t that, like, totally awesome? Now I can get my “high on” without paying for a thing. I just have to fly to Rome and inhale the air harder than I inhaled Wilmer Valderrama’s….ego. Heh heh.
You wanna know what’s even better? Alcohol is free on international flights. Yeppers. As some of you may have heard, I have a bit of a drinking problem. Well, the media calls it a problem, but the media also bought into the myth of WMDs, so we see how reliable they are. Ha! Bet you didn’t think I knew what a WMD was! I read Seventeen just like the rest of you and am well aware that we invaded Israel over the Weapons of…weapons of…weapons of MD thing. We showed those Israelis! Where was I? Oh yeah, my repeated DUI infractions and what not. Just because I like to drink heavily every night and then drive doesn’t mean I’m an alcoholic. It just means I’m from Boston. Think about it, how many guys named Sully or Murph do you know who drink every night and then drive home half the time drunk as a damn skunk. Throw in a Pizzi, a Wally, a Crowley, and even a Dempsey and you’re talking DUI infractions all day and every day. If you think about it that way, I’m not a Hollywood diva-in-training who has serious substance abuse problems – I’ve just been hanging around the North End too long.
Regardless, I’m so looking forward to living in another country. Besides being able to inhale drugs all the time, I’ll finally have a break from those damn paparazzi photographers who are always trying to take a picture of my boobies or my panties or my axe wound. Why are they of such interest? Don’t these people have wives or girlfriends or…wait…they’re paparazzi, so of course they don’t. They probably sit home all day and masturbate to Oscar Meyer commercials because the site of cold cuts gives them a sexual rush. Yeah, they probably cry themselves to sleep at night after a very fulfilling day of hiding in the bushes, climbing fences, and knitting. Hell, I’m surprised they aren’t getting DUI infractions every day. Oh, that’s right – they probably can’t even afford a car. Maybe that’s why they’re always hiding in the bushes waiting to take my picture; they don’t have a home and are using my shrubs as shelter. You know, Wilmer used to use my shrubs for other things. Oh!!! Zinger!!!
So…I guess then I’ll see all y’all later. I’m off to the ancient city of Rome where the women are loose and the men have herpes. And, most importantly, the cocaine flows more than Betty White’s menstrual fluid before she hit menopause. Oh!!! Zinger!!!
Hugs and Snorts,
Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition
Tags: Lindsay Lohan, Drugs, Wilmer Valderrama, Cocaine