CIA Admits Plot To Put Paris Hilton In Jail
Washington, D.C. (ABSP) - Associated BS Press
Recently declassified documents proved for the first time the long-held suspician that the CIA was behind the recent jailing of Paris Hilton. The CIA, which was found to be linked through its own internal documents to an attempted assassination of Fidel Castro in 1960, has denied its role in the Hilton incarceration, but internal memos show that all levels of the organization were involved, from mailroom employee Tim Walewander who spiked her drink, to Director General Michael V. Hayden who instigated the feud with Nicole Richie which ultimately sent Paris down this destructive path. Hayden denies his involvement, but IMs linked to his IP address show Hayden IMing as a disguised Richie talking trash with Hilton, the self-proclaimed Goddess of Gash.
While it may appear odd for the CIA to involve itself with a talentless celebrity like Hilton, it falls within its initial charter. Paragraph 24 of bylaw 14 states that the Agency has "explicit power to fuck up the lives of celebrities, particularly stupid ones with a sense of self-entitlement." Sources have indicated that past Agency actions have targeted Belinda Carlisle, Tiffany, and the popular band Los Lobos. Los Lobos actually have been targeted for destruction on 17 different occassions, most notably after the release of La Bamba.
While many angry citizens are calling for an investigation, others are less outraged. Orrin Hatch, US Senator from Utah and noted dog raper, supports the CIA's actions and has publicly stated that he hopes "the CIA cooks up some more magic for that damn Hilton girl. And I hope they get Los Lobos again." When asked for further comment, the honorable Mr. Hatch held up a poster for the Simple Life, then let his pet dog rip it apart.
No word yet from Ms. Hilton, although sources close to the embattled slut indicate that she's happy to put the instance behind her and is looking forward to dropping the soap again outside of jail.
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Tags: Paris Hilton, CIA, Los Lobos