Wednesday, June 27, 2007

CIA Admits Plot To Put Paris Hilton In Jail



Washington, D.C. (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Recently declassified documents proved for the first time the long-held suspician that the CIA was behind the recent jailing of Paris Hilton. The CIA, which was found to be linked through its own internal documents to an attempted assassination of Fidel Castro in 1960, has denied its role in the Hilton incarceration, but internal memos show that all levels of the organization were involved, from mailroom employee Tim Walewander who spiked her drink, to Director General Michael V. Hayden who instigated the feud with Nicole Richie which ultimately sent Paris down this destructive path. Hayden denies his involvement, but IMs linked to his IP address show Hayden IMing as a disguised Richie talking trash with Hilton, the self-proclaimed Goddess of Gash.

While it may appear odd for the CIA to involve itself with a talentless celebrity like Hilton, it falls within its initial charter. Paragraph 24 of bylaw 14 states that the Agency has "explicit power to fuck up the lives of celebrities, particularly stupid ones with a sense of self-entitlement." Sources have indicated that past Agency actions have targeted Belinda Carlisle, Tiffany, and the popular band Los Lobos. Los Lobos actually have been targeted for destruction on 17 different occassions, most notably after the release of La Bamba.

While many angry citizens are calling for an investigation, others are less outraged. Orrin Hatch, US Senator from Utah and noted dog raper, supports the CIA's actions and has publicly stated that he hopes "the CIA cooks up some more magic for that damn Hilton girl. And I hope they get Los Lobos again." When asked for further comment, the honorable Mr. Hatch held up a poster for the Simple Life, then let his pet dog rip it apart.

No word yet from Ms. Hilton, although sources close to the embattled slut indicate that she's happy to put the instance behind her and is looking forward to dropping the soap again outside of jail.




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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Have You Wikipedia'd Me?


Dear Mary Hart,

How's it going? It's been a while since we shared the desk over at ET. I'm sure things have been going well for you. I really don't care, but I'm sure that it's all good for you. What I'm really concerned about is me. Have you been keeping up with my goings on? Have you been reading about my life? Have you been studying all things Tesh? In other words, have you Wikipedia'd me recently? You should because I've been up to a lot.

For example, it's my birthday soon. I turn 55. That's a palindrome, in case you were wondering. You'll have to wait 11 years for my next palindromic birthday, so you better get me a card. Or a gift. I'm not picky, but I'd prefer cash. No coins please, even though I know you're quite cheap. Or is it easy? Probably both.

Let's see, I also composed the theme for NBA on NBC in the 1990s. Did you know that? I didn't even know until I Wikipedia'd myself. That sounds dirty, doesn't it? Mmmmm, I just Wikipedia'd myself. Then I'm going to Tesh myself. And then I'll Tesh you! Heh heh heh, snort. Okay, what else about me. I used to play music with Yanni. Hmmm...let's forget about that. Alright...what else...oh yeah, I'm a born-again Christian, so, uh, you're going to hell. No offense.

All and all, it's been quite a great life for me since ET, and it's all on my Wikipedia page. Check it out! At your peril. Heh, heh, heh, snort.

Hopefully we'll see each other soon. Until then, you can go fuck yourself.

Love,
John Tesh


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Monday, June 18, 2007

I Am A Baby Machine



Hiya!

I would like to formally introduce myself. My name is Julia Roberts and I am a certified baby machine. I churn them out like nobody's bidness. I was put on this earth for one reason - get inseminated and pop out children. Britney Spears and Katie Holmes are amateurs compared to me. I'm all uterus. I was born on the planet utero and speak uteran. And I love to procreate.

My children - Hazel, Phinnaeus, and now Henry - understand that they are simply 3 of many grown-up zygotes to come. I'm so fertile that I just conceived while writing this. In fact, one time I ate at KFC and got fertilized by the fried chicken skin when it fell on my lap. Most people get a grease stain. I get morning sickness.

Soon my kin will overrun the world, and I will control you all! Wait, sorry, didn't mean to ramble there. What I meant to say was, I love having children! And you all love me for my child-bearing ability. And long legs. And red hair. And girl-next-door quality. And my unassuming, but ever-present lust for power. Um...I meant my smile.

Gotta go. I think I just got pregnant again.

Love,
Julia Roberts


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Friday, June 08, 2007

Please Send Me Back To Jail



Dear Mr. Jail Warden-Type-Person or Judge or Policeman or Nun or Whatever,

Don't send me home from jail. Please, I beg you from the bottom of my well-fucked heart. I really don't want to go home. Sure, I may be on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but that's true pretty much all of the time, so why should my time in jail be any different. I mean, like, would someone who was sane continue to videotape herself having sex over and over and over again even though it keeps getting stolen and uploaded to the internet. Okay, maybe that was a bad question because that describes half the women in Hollywood. Then again, most of Hollywood is crazy. Well, except Tom Sizemore. He's hot. Anyway, my point is...I don't know. Just don't send me home. I'll tell you why.

You see, I want to learn my lesson. Ha ha...just kidding. I actually just want to be prison raped. Like, don't misunderstand me, I don't want to be raped in the Kobe Bryant or Joe Francis type of way. I want to be prison raped in the Showtime Saturday night after dark type of way. You know, where I'm going to take a shower, and I stay in the shower for 20 minutes lathering myself up with soap even though a prison shouldn't really have soap that lathers that much, and then a short-haired and somewhat weary-on-the-eyes but still strangely attractive convict approaches me and softly offers to help. I'm sure you know the rest. Prison rape-a-palooza! That's what I really want to happen, but unfortunately it won't happen if you send me home. So please send me back to jail.

I guess that's all for now. I'm going to go watch some Showtime and...uh...get ready for jail again! :) :) :) :) :) :) That's a lot of smiley faces.


Love,
Paris Hilton


[Ed Note: Although we write about it frequently, we don't condone prison rape. Well, unless Joe Francis or Paris Hilton are involved.]


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Friday, June 01, 2007

I’m Not Sure You Understand Who I Am



Dear World,

Do you know who I am? I’m Wil Wheaton. That’s right, I am THE Wil Wheaton, star of TV, movies, the Internet and any other forum for projecting moving images with sound in a cohesive story. Wil fucking Wheaton, do you need me to say it louder? Wait, do you want me to say it again? Watch out, because I’ve been known to get women pregnant just by saying Wil Wheaton. Ah…there it is. You pregnant yet? I am. And I just gave birth. It was a beautiful thing, but you knew that already because I’m Wil Wheaton.

Do you want to arm wrestle? I dare you. Seriously, try me and see how you’ll do against my bulging biceps and piercing stare. My gaze will strike fear in you and immediately cause your wrist to go limp. Not that it will matter for I’m strong enough to beat you on my own, but I like adding insult to injury. I invented that phrase. I invented a lot of things because I’m Wil Fucking wheaton, with a capital Fucking, a capital Wil, and a lowercase wheaton. I am the greatest thing to ever inhabit Earth or Mars. Poems have been written about me, stories have been told in honor of me, and cats have been spayed to praise me. And I will beat you in arm wrestling.

Let’s go over my credits one by one. No, let’s not do that, but let’s think about what it would have been like to do that. Amazing, right? That’s what I thought. I will mention one of my roles because it stands out among the rest. Star Trek the Next Generation is the role I’m talking about, of course. The part of Wesley Crusher was written specifically for me, Wil Fucking Wheaton, even before the show was conceived. You may laugh (although you shouldn’t), but I’m being dead serious. The original working title was Wesley Crusher the Lothario Extraordinaire and the Adventures of the Starship Enterprise. An anti-Wheaton person (amazing that such a person exists, but he does) recommended a few changes and the show that you saw for 7 years was created. Appalling, I know, but the impact I had on the show was still apparent and my legacy still lives on for hundreds of generations to see.

In conclusion, I want to remind you that I am, of course, Wil Fucking Wheaton, man about town and dominator of your mind, body, and soul. I’m not asking you to worship me, I’m telling you to do so. Do you know who I am? Look it up. And then commit it to memory because there’ll be a quiz later, and I’m a tough grader. I mean, why wouldn’t I be? After all, I am Wil Fucking Wheaton.


I Piss On Your Graves,
Wil Wheaton



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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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