An Open Letter from Luke Wilson to Owen Wilson
Wow, man. I mean, wow. Why you gotta try to off yourself like that? Life is good, Broseph. The world is your oyster. You're my boy, Blue! Wait, that was Will Ferrell's line. Your my brother, and I'm deeply hurt that you would try to kill yourself. That means you hate me and don't want to be my brother anymore. Yes, it's all about me. I play this selfless everyman character in a ton of movies, but in reality I'm as selfish as the most selfishist selfish lord the world has ever seen. You should know that as I never used to share anything. Even my kidney when you needed it growing up. It's all about me, and that's why I'm offended that you tried to kill yourself.
Why don't you like me anymore? We used to be the tightest of tight brothers. But then I went and had a taste of Bea Arthur's Vagina and you stopped talking to me. Maybe that's what caused you to be jealous of me. You wanted a taste too. Not having a taste of the almighty BAV would cause any man to go crazy, but suicide? That's a bit harsh, bro. You may want to explore other options in the future. Homicide. Genicide. Oinkicide (the killing of pigs). Just not suicide.
I'd like to help you out, but I don't know how. Not because I don't know you, but because I don't know how to help anyone but myself. Although I'm not too good at helping myself either. Have you seen My Super Ex-Girlfriend? I kind of considered suicide after that one, as well. But I didn't do it? Why? I don't know. But I just didn't. And neither should you. So, take some time off and get yourself better and then reevaluate your life. If at that point you still don't want to live, call Britney Spears and she'll take care of you. I don't mean "take care of you" in a Mafia way. I mean she can become your mother and then kill you by bad parenting. Funny, huh? Yup, I still got it. I'm a laugh a minute.
Take it easy bro, and avoid those knives. They're a bitch on the wrists.
Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition
Tags: Owen Wilson, Luke Wilson, Bea Arthur's Vagina, Britney Spears