Friday, October 26, 2007

Kim Kardashian to Write Children's Book



(Ed. Note: We would much prefer Jennifer Love Hewitt posing for Playboy, but we'll have to settle for this has been and never will be instead. Good to see Playboy isn't lowering their standards...

Dear America,

I know you're all looking forward to seeing my Playboy pictures. I'm excited for you to see them because it will keep me relevant. I'm an important person who needs to be talked about on a regular basis and the only way I can do that is by releasing...er...having someone release my homemade sex tape or posing in Playboy. I'm like that old 1010 WINS commercial - "Give me 20 minutes and I'll show you a nipple." Well, I think I've figured out a new way to bring my talents to the world that doesn't involve an areola. I'm going to write a Children's Book!

Aren't you so excited to read it???? It's going to have words and pictures and other things that go in books, like, I guess carrots and candy and what not. I don't know, I'm not a book expert. But I'm not an expert in anything else either, and yet I'm still super famous! Okay, maybe I'm an expert in nakedness, but that's not really a talent. It's two talents. Ha ha...get it? Three talents if you count my bulbous rump. I like my big butt - it gives me cushion when I'm driving on long road trips to see STD specialists about strange rashes that I get. Yay!

You're probably wondering how I'm going to write this book as I'm barely literate as is. Here's my plan: I'm going to hire some nice and smart Jewish guy who is going to write it and then I'll film myself having sex with him and threaten to release the video to the public which will make him sign over the rights to the book and it will be like I wrote it! Isn't that awesome?? I think so. Fake Daddy Bruce Jenner came up with the idea because he's smart about things like faking success.

I don't really have too many ideas about the book. Maybe it will be about a sex tape. Or my boobs. Or...the fall of the apartheid regime in South Africa. Those all sound like great ideas for a children's book. I can't wait until I release this book and you all see how smart I am! Not smart for what I write, but smart for having thought of the idea to think about something to think about doing for the chidren. Right? Right! So, keep looking at your local Barnes & Noble and you'll see my book soon enough. Buy it! Then look at me naked. Everyone wins.


Love,
Kim Kardashian


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Thursday, October 25, 2007

David Ortiz Linked to Steroid Investigation



Boston, MA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

David Ortiz, star slugger for the World Series contending Boston Red Sox, was recently linked to the ongoing steroid investigation by Major League Baseball. "Big Papi" as he is known to his bookie and legions of fans and hookers, had often hinted at his own steroid use, but evidence had always been lacking. Recent sperm tests by Bud Selig have confirmed that the previously hyper-fertile Ortiz has actually become completely infertile. Additional genital-sizing tests conducted by Erin Andrews have proven that the slugger's testicles - once reknowned for their impressive girth, weight, and command of the English language - have shrunken to the size of small raisins. Ortiz has vehemently denied the veracity of this new report, releasing a statement that said, "nobody has done nothing to none of my body."

Sources close to Major League Baseball indicate that Ortiz had long been a focus of their investigation due to his close association with Red Sox Nation, the most hated fan base in all of professional sports. However, the investigation had not progressed for many years as Bud Selig had lacked a quality sperm sample to test for infertility. The mighty slugger had been sly, depositing his sperm on his preferred prostitutes' backs instead of inside them, which is where Selig typically looks. The key break came when Red Sox third baseman Mike Lowell suddenly showed up at Selig's office with a sperm sample from Ortiz in his hand. At that point the investigation kicked into full gear.

Repeated calls to the Red Sox organization have been ignored, but sources indicate that the team does not expect to be distracted during the World Series as they are too self-absorbed and self-centered to be bothered by a scandal like this. However, no word yet on whether the investigation will affect manager Terry Francona's decision to play or bench the mammoth DH during the games in Denver. It appears he's going to base his decision, as always, on his daily horoscope.


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Thursday, October 18, 2007

Lacey Chabert Responds to the Lindsay Lohan Situation



Dear Lindsay,

We were in Mean Girls together. I want to remind you of that in case the cocaine, alcohol, and Valderrama juice made you forget. I was, like, a very important co-star that really helped move along the character development and plot. And I look good in tight clothing. Yummy to be exact! We clear? Good. Now let me tell you what's wrong with your life.

Nothing. Most people don't know this, but I'm an extreme libertarian. Okay, maybe that's not true. In fact, I don't even know what the word libertarian means. Actually, I don't know what extreme means either, but that's irrelevant (I know what that means!). What I'm trying to, like, say and stuff is that you have every right to destroy your life and throw away your fortune. I just want a piece of the action...and I don't mean on screen. Yes, I want your parts, but not the ones on film. I want your lady parts. Mmmm hmmmm. I want a piece of your booty! Gimmeee some of that redhead ass, bitch! Sorry, that's a little bit extreme (I just looked up the meaning, so now I can use it!). But in reality, I want to visit your nether-regions and drink from your cup of life. So to speak.

I'm not a lesbian, I just like touching women in a sexual way. Often. With no men around. In the vicinity of a crossing guard (either sex will do). Is that freaky? Yeah, tell me it's freaky bitch! Sorry, I got a bit excited there again. Your lovely lady lumps tend to do that to me. I don't know what it is about you and your Lo-parts. They make me go "Awwuuuuga...Awwwuuuuuga," or something neat like that. You feelin' what I'm sayin'? That was my "K-fed dialect" in case you were wondering.

You turned on yet, Lindsay? You should be! I'll let you do lots of cocaine on my ass. I'll even let you snort some lines off of my superfluous fifth nipple (don't ask about 3 and 4! hee hee). Hell, I'd let you do anything to me...I just want to be part of the equation. 7 million...10 million...100 million...you can blow any fortune on me, my little honey bunches of oats. I'm your girl 4ever. But I'm not a lesbian. I'm a Lo-handsbian. You said it! No, I guess I did. Either way, it's been said. Do me baby!

Love and Lumps,
Lacey Chabert


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Monday, October 08, 2007

Patricia Heaton Reviews Mannequin 2

It's a little late, but as we promised last week, every week a B-List celebrity (is there really any other kind?) will do a movie review of a classic movie that was severely under-appreciated in its own time. Through our experience with Wilford Brimley and Gary Coleman, we've learned that the best way to treat a B-List celebrity is just to give him/her free reign to write whatever they want. And with that, we present Patricia Heaton's review of "Mannequin 2".




Good Evening,

I'm Patricia Heaton and I've had a boob lift. That has absolutely nothing to do with my review, but I just wanted to remind everyone of that fact. Big fan of the plastic surgery. Big fan. Mighty big fan. I want to get a face lift so I can one day be attractive. There, it's been said. Sue me.

Getting back to my review, which is the essence of this piece, not my boob lift, which I've had, and I'm proud of, I'd like to rave about the beauty of Mannequin 2 (a.k.a. Mannequin on the Move). What a great movie! I loved this movie more than I love my boob lift, which I love dearly. Consider the plot...um...consider it...uh...okay, I haven't seen the movie, but I know it's really good because Ray Romano told me it was good when he forced me to have sex with him. Ha ha, just kidding. I didn't actually have sex with Ray!! It was just a blow job.

Sorry about the digression. Back to the point. I just looked up Mannequin 2 on the internet and realized that it's not really a great movie. It stars Bernie from Weekend at Bernie's, the guy from Herman's Head, and Kristy Swanson. You know, the original Buffy from Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Hmmm...the reviewers don't seem to be too kind to it. Hold on, let me go out and rent it. I'll be right back.

Okay, I'm back. And I'm sick to my stomach. What a horrendous movie! I thought Brad Garrett's TV show was awful, but this puts that one to shame. Or rather, this movie makes that show look like a rarefied piece of art that should be hung in a museum or in Ray Romano's gilded mansion. I keep referring to him because he was my TV husband on that juggernaut known as Everybody Loves Raymond. Ever seen it? You should. Every time you watch it I make money. No, not from royalties. From blow jobs. Yeah, I don't understand either.

Anyway, the gist of the movie is that a Mannequin comes to life, makes out with some guy, and then something about a foreign country and...well...I'm sorry, it's just too awful. Who the hell greenlights this stuff? I'm relegated to doing TV shows with Kelsey fucking Grammer and this gets made into a movie? Who the hell do I have to sleep with to get a movie deal? Please tell me because I'd do it. Really, I would. Momma needs another boob lift.

In conclusion...don't ever rent this movie. You may want to throw up. Although that will certainly keep you thin, which is good. Then you don't need tummy tucks, like I had. But I'm proud of it. Like my boob lift. So...then I guess you should rent this movie. Then you'll be like me! Woo hoo!


Love,
Patricia Heaton


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Wednesday, October 03, 2007

K-Fed To Donate Children To Charity



What up my bitches!!!

Yo, I am psyched that I got my kids back from that shaved pussy showing crazy girl! You know, my wife Britney Spears? Yeah, she done and lost our kids in that custody battle thing we just did in court. It was fuckin' awesome, man! I mean, I love those lil' sonofabitches so much. I totally wouldn't trade them for a rap career. No way. I may consider it a bit, but there ain't no way I'm tradin' them. Okay, maybe one of them, but that's it. Imagine that, yo, me a rap star. That would be the fuckin' bizzomb! That's right, I said bizzomb. I'm bringing back 2002, baby!

I don't even have to tell you that I'm a good parent, because I'm sure you know it already. Although it don't take much to look like a good parent compared to my ex-wife. I totally don't get drunk and naked around my kids like that wizzoman does. Sure, I smoke crack, but that's totally different, yo. Crack is like my medicine, man. It keeps me focused on life and stuff. But my kids never try my crack. The only crack they see is Britney's shaved pussy. Booooooo yahhhhhh!! That's a funny joke, yo. Funny in that my-kids-are-going-be-in-serious-therapy type of way, you know? It's alright, cuz the Brit will pay for the sessions. She's "rich y'all" as she would say. That's why I loved her.

Now, some of you may say that this whole thing is kind of depressing and that those poor children are the ones who will suffer in the end. You'd probably be right, but this is not about being right. It's about winning. And I won!!! I gots me those kids now! And I'm going to raise them to be famous rap stars so they can one day give me a job. Speaking of which, if you know anyone who's looking to hire a rap star, or male dancer, or waiter at Denny's, I'm your man. I'm alllll man, as Phil Collins would say.

Just remember, you can't spell father without K-Fed. Uh, huh. That's right. Kick it. Old school style bizzzznitch. Long live 2002!!!


Fresh and Def,
K-Fed



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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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