Kim Kardashian to Write Children's Book
(Ed. Note: We would much prefer Jennifer Love Hewitt posing for Playboy, but we'll have to settle for this has been and never will be instead. Good to see Playboy isn't lowering their standards...
I know you're all looking forward to seeing my Playboy pictures. I'm excited for you to see them because it will keep me relevant. I'm an important person who needs to be talked about on a regular basis and the only way I can do that is by releasing...er...having someone release my homemade sex tape or posing in Playboy. I'm like that old 1010 WINS commercial - "Give me 20 minutes and I'll show you a nipple." Well, I think I've figured out a new way to bring my talents to the world that doesn't involve an areola. I'm going to write a Children's Book!
Aren't you so excited to read it???? It's going to have words and pictures and other things that go in books, like, I guess carrots and candy and what not. I don't know, I'm not a book expert. But I'm not an expert in anything else either, and yet I'm still super famous! Okay, maybe I'm an expert in nakedness, but that's not really a talent. It's two talents. Ha ha...get it? Three talents if you count my bulbous rump. I like my big butt - it gives me cushion when I'm driving on long road trips to see STD specialists about strange rashes that I get. Yay!
You're probably wondering how I'm going to write this book as I'm barely literate as is. Here's my plan: I'm going to hire some nice and smart Jewish guy who is going to write it and then I'll film myself having sex with him and threaten to release the video to the public which will make him sign over the rights to the book and it will be like I wrote it! Isn't that awesome?? I think so. Fake Daddy Bruce Jenner came up with the idea because he's smart about things like faking success.
I don't really have too many ideas about the book. Maybe it will be about a sex tape. Or my boobs. Or...the fall of the apartheid regime in South Africa. Those all sound like great ideas for a children's book. I can't wait until I release this book and you all see how smart I am! Not smart for what I write, but smart for having thought of the idea to think about something to think about doing for the chidren. Right? Right! So, keep looking at your local Barnes & Noble and you'll see my book soon enough. Buy it! Then look at me naked. Everyone wins.
Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition
Tags: Kim Kardashian, Playboy, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Children's Book