Jennifer Love Hewitt, What Have You Done To Yourself?????
Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt,
I am a man who has reached a crossroad in his life. We're coming up on the 2 year anniversary of this website, and it seems that my noble quest is starting to lose its luster. For two years you have ignored my urgent, pleading, but always respectful call for you to shed your clothing and pose for that beloved magazine, Playboy. Now? I'm not so sure that's a worthy cause anymore.
Look at yourself!! I said look at yourself!!
You've let yourself go, woman! You are a shell of your former self. A much bigger shell to be exact. This is so disappointing to me because I had such high hopes for you and your breasts. Now I'm on the verge of shutting down this site and entering a treatment facility for clinical depression. Does that sound obsessive and borderline creepy? Maybe. But we're not here to talk about my faults. Today, you and your cellulite-infused rump, are the target of my discussion.
Normally, I'm not a man concerned with such superficial matters as looks. If someone wants to gain weight, so be it. Who am I to judge what constitutes the "perfect body?" Who am I to judge how someone views her own self image? Who am I to judge whether a D cup is better than a C cup if the new size causes massive droopage? I have no right...except in this instance. You, Jennifer Love Hewitt, are duty bound to remain in shape. Your breasts serve as the moral compass for our great society, and any actions you take that may impact their attractiveness must be scrutinized, and if necessary castigated. And that's what I'm doing here. It's no surprise that the economy is struggling, the Iraq war is worsening, and Britney Spears is becoming part of the Manson Clan. It's all due to the degradation of your boobs.
Frankly, I'm sick to my stomach. My once proud cause is now the laughing stock of the internet. I am currently the #3 site in Google for "Jennifer Love Hewitt pussy" and the number 1 non-YouTube site for "Jennifer Love Hewitt vagina." I'm also number 1 for Bea Arthur's Vagina, but that's beside the point. The point is, my traffic will now go down because people will no longer be searching for your pussy. Maybe your fiance will search for it when he is seeking some weekly "maritals," but that's about it. And that makes me remorseful. But, such is life.
So in conclusion, I urge you, Jennifer Love Hewitt, to make the right choice. Lose a few and then pose for Playboy. You may not gain any self-esteem, but you will be leading our country back to the promised land. And you'll be making your number 1 creepy internet fan happy. Really, is there anything else important in life?
Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition
Tags: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Playboy, Pose For Playboy, Jennifer Love Hewitt Playboy, pussy, Bea Arthur's Vagina, Britney Spears