Friday, April 11, 2008

Lindsay Lohan to Play Self In Upcoming Futuristic Autobiography

Hollywood, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Source: Here

Lindsay Lohan is set to play a “nymphomaniac waitress” in the upcoming autobiographical movie Florence. The movie takes place 10 years in the future when Lohan has been run out of Hollywood and is now scrounging for tips at a seedy diner in West Compton. Lohan has co-authored the script, which has been called "an uncanny representation of what she will eventually become." One source close to the film called her depiction of a nymphomaniac waitress as "straight from the heart" and "more authentic than a Paris Hilton STD."

Rumors around the set indicate that Lohan will perform an explicit sex scene with full frontal nudity. Producers originally asked her to do a topless scene, but she reportedly countered with a "full frontal" offer. According to one source, Lohan kept upping the ante. "First she said she'd go topless, then she offered to fully strip down, then she offered to spread her ass cheeks. At one point she even offered to whip out her wang, but the producers called her bluff. They reminded her that she's a woman and doesn't have a wang."

Lohan reportedly wants to show that she's still "got it" as both an actress and a naked slut. No word yet from the Hilton or Kardashian camps on this new challenge to their "slut authority." The former bulimic teen queen's salary has not been disclosed, but sources close to the set indicate that she's being paid in methadone as mandated by a court order.


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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Thursday, April 10, 2008

Hey American Airlines, Why Did You Cancel My Flight?

Howdy American Airlines,

I don't respect you much. Why did you get all crazy and cancel my flight yesterday? Can't you see how hot I am? Look at me all sexed up in my purple outfit. I'm so hot that I have to have a mirror reflection of myself so you can see my hotness twice. And yet you cancel my flight? That don't make a heckuva lotta sense. I'm too hot to be grounded. I should be flying high like the beautiful Canadian that I am. Canadians love to fly. Heck we invented flying back in the 1970s. Aw shucks, I'm just kidding, but I'm really quite serious about being grounded. It peeves me. Peeves peeves peeves peeves me that you'd ground me, Shania Twain.

Others have a right to be grounded, but others don't have a sexy purple outfit either. No response to that one, right? Right. Then it's settled, you'll reschedule my flight ASAP so I can get to the important places that I need to be. For example, I'm opening a mall in Tulsa. Yeah, my career is HOT right now! Hot like my purple ass. A purple ass that should always be flying high in the friendly skies. I know that ain't your slogan, but it should be. Cuz when you've got a hot patootie like me on your plane, your skies are much friendlier. By the way, I give great head.

Shania Twain


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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