Friday, October 31, 2008

Beverly D'Angelo to Endorse Barack Obama

I, Beverly D'Angelo, star of the stage and screen, officially endorse Barack Obama for President of the United States of America. You may know me as Clark's wife from the National Lampoon movies. Others may know me from my role in the hippi classic Hair. Still, others may know me as someone who has received the stigmata (both me and Sarah Palin!). Most of you, though, know me because I have been tirelessly knocking on doors, making phone calls, sleeping with citizens, and stabbing the opposition in my singular quest to get Barack Obama elected as President of the United States of America.

I'm not even a Democrat. To be honest, I don't even know who Barack Obama is. But I know he's running for President and that gives me an excuse to whore myself around town, which is fine by me. Those phone calls and door knockings? It's not to endorse Mr. Obama - it's to offer up my body for sex. I just use the "Obama thing" as an excuse to get people to open their doors. Then I strip down to nothing but my Obama pin (don't ask what it's pinned to!) and then let them poll my electorate.

I'm not a slut, I just need sex in a pathological manner, particularly during a Presidential election when I'm feeling particularly needy. You know what else makes me feel needy? Grey's Anatomy. I really dislike that show because it makes me feel so emotionally fragile and angry, and that always leads to unprotected sex with strangers. You can put that in the next ABC advertisement - "Grey's Anatomy, it'll make you fuck people and regret it. Thursdays at 9." Would you watch a show with that type of promo? Let me know if you would, because I'll come knock on your door and "stump" for Obama (as long as I can then see your stump).

It's only a few more days to the election, so I better be on my way now. After all, I only have a few more opportunities to sell my body for sex and get away with it. I mean, after the election, that will just be wrong. Right? Yeah, then I'd be a slut. But now, it's okay. Yeah, that's what I tell myself when I cry for hours at night and rock back and forth with my hands around my legs.

Barack in '08,


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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Friday, October 24, 2008

Paula Abdul to Endorse Walter Mondale

Hi Everyone!!!

I, Paula Abdul, officially endorse Walter Mondale for President of the United States of America. Yay!!! What? Wait. Oh yeah, I got it. Walter Mondale is my choice. He's the man to...wait. What? Ok. Yeah. I'm going to vote for Walter Mondale on election day in December. He's the man to help America through this...what's the word I'm looking for...I don't know. He's righteous. He's cool. And he's...what? Oh. He's not running? Oh. But I thought there was an old white guy running. Hmmm...that may change things.

Nah, it doesn't change things. I'm still voting for Mr. Mondale because he's dreamy. Speaking of dreamy, I saw Grey's Anatomy last night and that McDreamy is so McSteamy! Wait. No, that McDreamy is McDreamy. Yeah. I'd let him give me an enema. I don't mean that in a sexual way! I just need an enema right now. And he's a doctor, so I'd let him do it. I won't go into the details for why I need an enema, but let's just say that I've been eating a lot of cheese. Take that Simon! Yeah. What? Oh. Um. Okay, I lost my train of thought. I know what you're thinking, it's amazing that I even had a train of thought to lose, but...lost it again.

So in conclusion, on election day in December, I plan to cast my vote for Walter "the Mon" Mondale as he's the white man to save our country. I don't mean that as a racist thing. I love you Randy Jackson! It just happens to be that my candidate is white so I'm stating a fact. Yay, facts!! I've never used those things before. They can be cool. Cool like Mondale? You betcha! Ha ha, I just made a political joke because I made fun of...what am I talking about? Yeah. I love Grey's Anatomy.

See you soon, America.

Love and Vicodin,
Paula Abdul


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Sean Astin to Endorse Barack Obama

Fans and Friends,

I, Sean Astin, officially endorse Barack Obama for President of the United States of America. Wheh, I finally said it! I was having anal sex with a prostitute on Saturday, and I explained to her my position on each of the candidates, but I didn't think I had the fortitude to explain myself to the American people. It's one thing to reveal your innermost political secrets while riding bareback with a whore, and it's a totally different thing to share your thoughts to the people of this world, while sitting alone (but naked) in a cold motel room in Akron, Ohio. Why am I in Akron? No, I'm not stumping for Senator Obama. I've just heard that the prostitutes are hot and heavy here. Well, mostly heavy (it is Ohio), but so am I, so that's okay!

Do I honestly think my endorsement matters? Yes! Look at my impressive resume. I've represented all walks of life and members of society. I spoke on behalf of the weak and picked upon when I played Mikey Walsh in The Goonies. I spoke on behalf of the weak and picked upon when I played Rudy in Rudy. I spoke on behalf of the weak and picked upon hobbits when I played Sam in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. So you see, I represented all walks of life and have the authority to speak out on behalf of one of the candidates. Besides, I think McCain is old and scary and I'm sure he'd tell my wife if he caught me having anal sex with a prostitute named Louise. Not that I know one named that. Just sayin', you know? Yeah, you know.

So go out and vote! Vote smart, vote sensible, vote Astin! Um...I mean Vote Obama.

Sean Astin


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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Sunday, October 19, 2008

Brad Garrett to Endorse Barack Obama

Ladies and Gentlemen of America,

I, Brad Garrett, officially endorse Barack Obama for President of the United States of America. For months and months, I ignored the campaign. I don't follow the news much as I spend all my time reading reviews of my horrific television series. It takes an awful lot of time to find a good one, so that pretty much takes up most of my free time. That and eating. Because I have gigantism. But I was broken out of my review-hunting-obsessive-eating cycle by some stunning news today. If you haven't heard yet, Lindsay Lohan officially endorsed Barack Obama for President. Sorry, I mean Colin Powell endorsed Senator Obama. Same thing.

This news was momentous for several reasons, although I can only think of one. And that one escapes my mind right now. But the point is, I like food and so does Colin Powell (he's getting a bit chubby, don't you think?), and he endorsed Obama. Therefore, I will throw my gigantism-fueled weight behind the junior Senator from Ill-annoys. You all should too.

After hearing about this endorsement, I went and read about Mr. Obama's proposals. Did you know he believes in tax cuts for the middle-class? I hadn't heard that. I'm not in the middle class anymore, but I used to be, so therefore...I lost my train of thought. My wife is cooking a pot roast and I'm thinking about that. Sorry. Where was I? Oh yeah, vote Obama. I will because my show is going to get canceled soon and then I'll be in the middle class again.

I don't have much else to add, but hopefully my thoughts helped sway a swing voter or two. Good luck and roast beef.

Brad Garrett


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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