Monday, December 15, 2008

We are The World - Where Are They Now?

We here at Please Do It Ms. Hewitt love the song "We are the World." Okay, love is a strong word. Maybe we just like it. Alright, let's be clear - when we hear it we don't want to commit suicide, and...well..that's a plus. Right? Regardless of how one feels about the song, the immense star power that came together for that fateful evening of tuneful expression was something to behold. Springsteen, Charles, Lauper, Loggins, Turner, Joel, Wonder, and Aykroyd (Yes, Dan Aykroyd was there. Google it. Someone must have owed him money. A lot of money. Great sums of money. The song's producer killed a hooker and Aykroyd saw it. Google it.). It's been almost 25 years since the song debuted at the top of the charts and took the country, nay, the world, by storm. Many of the singers have gone on to greater successes. Many have seen their pan flash out. Others have died. And then there's Dan Aykroyd. Today, we honor the memory of those famed singers with a little segment that we like to call, "We are the World - Where are They Now." It's not that creative a title, but it's honest. And accurate. Even Dan Aykroyd an understand it, and that's saying a lot. Without further ado, here it is. Enjoy, and try not to Aykroyd all over yourself.

Lionel Richie

After this song, which Richie co-authored with Michael Jackson, Richie went on to release the landmark album "Dancing on the Ceiling," which unlike "We are the World," did result in many people dying from self-inflicted wounds. Oddly enough, it wasn't from people falling off of the aforementioned ceilings and cracking their necks. No, it was from listening to "Say You, Say Me" over and over and over and over again until a neighbor stopped by with a shotgun and...well...stopped the record from playing (so to speak). Richie also raised a beautiful daughter named Nicole who is not an embarrassment. Other than that, not much, other than that mustache. Today, he can be seen playing at local establishments in the Middle East. Seriously, people, this is not a joke. Look it up. Life is fucked up.

Stevie Wonder

"Blind as a fucking bat, but damn could this motherfucker play music." That's what Stevie Wonder's gravestone says. You didn't know he's dead? He is. A bi-racial couple got angry that he wrote Jungle Fever and shot him. That's why you haven't seen a good new album from him in years. A doppelganger replaced him. Ever wonder why Stevie got so fat and his music started to suck? Now you know.

Paul Simon

Paul Simon wrote The Capeman. Let's all observe a moment of silence and pretend that never happened.

Kenny Rogers

Never before has an "o-face" in the middle of a song meant so much (50 seconds in...KR creams his jeans during his intro). The man cooks up a mean drumstick, but he also prematurely ejaculates to stop world hunger. That, friends, is a true American Patriot. Do not begrudge him, even if he does have a douche-y beard.

Some Light-Skinned Black Guy

Does anyone know who this guy is? Seriously, does anyone know who he is? Did they just find him off the street and ask him to sing a few bars? Do any of you care what happened to him? Good, then we're moving on.

Tina Turner

Tina Turner is an American icon. She's pushing 100, and yet she doesn't look a day over 90. Just look at those perky breasts. They're so perky that they wake up in the morning before her and say, "Hey, Tina, wake up!" Now that's perky! Life after We are the World was a blur for Ms. Turner. She fell out of the public's good graces, had a comeback, fell out, came back, fell out, and came back again. It all culminated with her landmark album, "I'm Tina Turner, Bitch." She's now dating Samantha Ronson and spends her time avoiding paparazzi like an Ike Turner left hook. Rimshot, please.

Billy Joel

We hear the man likes cars. Too bad they don't like him. At least not when he's on the road. Quite an eventful life since 1985. Eventful...indeed.

Michael Jackson


Wilford Brimley

While not a technical participant in the song, or a credited member of the writing, producing, directing, or editing team, Mr. Brimley was largely considered to be the visionary force behind the juggernaut that became USA for Africa. Brimley allegedly penned the original draft of the song, calling it "We are the God damn World." The version was deemed inappropriate as he repeatedly called on the Ethiopians to check their blood sugar and check it often, even though the risk of getting "the diabetes" in a famine-stricken area is quite remote. Also, the Brimley-penned version had frequent and quite unnecessary profanities, including a particularly virulent section about Mexican immigrants "doing his wife in the Wilford hole." While Brimley's draft version of the now cult-classic song was rejected, his concept was thoroughly embraced, and Jackson and Richie re-wrote the song to make it what it is today. The emotional scars of being rejected still haunt Brimley to this day as he denies any involvement in the effort. All members of the USA for Africa group also continue to deny Brimley's involvement, showing just how deep the scars truly run.

Diana Ross

After "We are the World," Ross had a lot of success in England. Yay!!!!

That is all for today. We hope you're more informed than you were an hour ago. Tune in tomorrow for more We are the World - Where Are They Now?


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